Monday, July 27, 2009

that's not funny

Waking up in the morning (or afternoon...or evening) when you're funemployed is pretty awesome. Mainly, because you don't have to go to some job you don't care about. At the same time, however, without the income generated by a so-called "job," you also can't afford the luxuries you dream about.

For instance, I can't afford to buy a diamond-encrusted chalice from which I'd like to eat my daily bean rations. This means my pimp cup, or as I prefer to call it, my legume cup, will remain a simple ceramic bowl if I'm feeling fancy, the pot in which I warmed the beans if I'm feeling normal, or the can in which they came if I'm feeling especially hobo-ish. These are called sacrifices, I believe.

At the same time, these are sacrifices that I can live with. In short, I'd rather eat my beans like a peasant instead of a queen (despite that "bean queen" has a lovely ring to it) if it means I have the dollars and cents to purchase things that really matter to me. Like plane tickets.

Indeed, I am going on my beanteenth summer vacation today. Unlike my other trips, though, I might still blog (or vlog!) a few times while away depending on how retarded and/or drunk I am. So, I suppose this isn't a hiatus announcement, but a slight change of material announcement because if I do post something up, it won't be about DC. Although, really, do I even write about DC anymore?

I believe I've gotten very off-track subject-wise with all my talk about David Hasselhoff's junk touching innocent puppies as of late. So today, I'm going to focus on DC. To be more exact, I'm going to focus on John Kelly, WaPo columnist and millinery enthusiast. Is it just me, or do all of you want to punch him in the face? Metaphorically, I mean, of course.

I really can't stand his sense of humor...or lack thereof. First of all, he has no problem coming up with comedic material about which to write. For instance, in his latest column he tracks down a dude with a 6-inch long eyebrow hair. How could you go wrong with that? Well, leave it to Kelly, whose best effort leads him to come up with this: "Keep your eyebrow on the prize!"

What the f*ck is that?

First of all, if you're going to do something lame like that, "Apple of my eyebrow," would've been much better. But even that makes me want to vomit. And you know something's up if I -- purveyor of dolphin rape, gang bang and gratuitous David Hasselhoff jokes -- find something offensive.

And by "offensive," I mean his writing is offensively lame. I know 8-year-olds who could come up with better material than Kelly. And it doesn't even take that much work. In just the few seconds it's taken to write these last paragraphs, I thought of this one: "Pilus size matters." I mean, if you're going to make a pun, at least make it about something funny like genitals.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm too harsh a judge. Or maybe, as someone who strives to write for a living, seeing drivel in a major newspaper makes you question the entire publishing industry. Seriously, is that what one needs to do to succeed? String together a bunch of lame puns regarding a non-story and call it a day? If so, that is f*cking depressing. Good thing I've got the eyebrow of the tiger, so I'm ready to take this industry on. (Yeah, John Kelly, you forgot about that one, huh.)

Although first, I have a plane to catch. Hopefully. Ciao!


Ben (The Tiger in DC) said...

I think that much ambition in this world comes from people looking at other people and thinking/saying, "F&%k it, I can do better than that &^&$##@!"

So if you think you can do better than that columnist, perhaps one day... (Well, I think these papers are rapidly spiraling toward bankruptcy, but in their successor publications, perhaps...)

Norman said...

Maybe when he found out Keith was going on tour out west he could have made the obvious "Eyebrow left my heart in San Francisco."

"The Eyebrows have it!"

Legume-based punning is better.

Patty Duke said...

John Kelly is supposed to be funny? Comedy is involved. Either I'm really dense or he's really bad.

Debbi said...

Whatever gave you the idea that the publishing industry makes sense?

Marissa said...


Being better than others motivates me daily...


Legume punning is serious business. You really have to be a skilled punner to understand it. You understand it. Your eyebrow puns are so much better than Kelly's.


You're not dense. Then again, he could be the raunchiest sick bitch in DC. It is the Washington Post we're talking about. You probably can't make a bunch of puns about genitals...

Although, I really think that would help the industry get out of bankruptcy.

Marissa said...


I know. I don't know what I was thinking! All the eyebrow puns got me in daze.

Ben (The Tiger in DC) said...

Did you catch that plane, after all?

taxpayer said...

Hope to read about your twisted ankle soon. Thank you

Marissa said...


Indeed! I'm three time zones out. Yes.


Twisted ankle? Am I missing something or do you just hope I twist my ankle? If so, that's really weird.

taxpayer said...

It wouldn't be that weird to you if you used your brain sometimes.