Tuesday, August 31, 2010

and then i got the death threats...

I'm not sure how many of this blog's daily readers check back every once in a while to read the comments sections of my posts (I'm guessing that depends on several factors, including how bored you are at work and how deficient the other parts of the Internet are that day), but if you don't, you may want to start. Because just when you thought Sarah Palin was the dumbest member of the Tea Party (of course, this is assuming Glenn Beck is the smartest), you get Dick LeBeau (I'm assuming not the football talent), Andy Foote, and Paul, all of whom quite fascinatingly interpreted my comedic critique of a few "Restoring Honor" audience members' clothing choices as a racist tirade. Even more confounding was that when you put all these weirdos' comments together, I'm apparently racist against both the white man and the black man. I guess it just depends on which way you let your imagination stretch.

And while I got a good laugh out of Dick and Andy's demolition of the truth, my favorite krazy komment kame (racist alliteration alert!) from Paul, who wrote:

A truly uppity, judgmental post. Vast generalizations about entire groups (just from wandering around a crowd gawking at people's behinds and snapping photos to rah-rah your marginally superior fashion sense) is a close relative to the racism that inspired MLK to have a dream.

Now, I'm not sure about you, but this is by far the most ridiculous simile I've ever heard in my life. Snarking on a few people's choices to dress like they let their worst enemy do the shopping is like being a racist pissing all over Martin Luther King's dream? Let's just say, it didn't take me long to compose my rebuttal:

Yes, Paul. What a totally appropriate simile! King's fight to end little things like SEGREGATION is EXACTLY like Beck's and the Tea Party's fight to merge Church and State, whilst wearing way too much denim!

How did the speech go again? Oh that's right! King said, "I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed
in Canadian tuxedos: 'We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men -- except for fashion critics -- are created equal."

And King also must have had the dream that one day a demagogue would hijack his memory and exploit it for his own personal gain...

Honestly, this Paul fellow is so detached from common sense and facts that I'm utterly awestruck. It makes me want to go back to school and study abnormal psychology. It's fascinating! But just when you think you can't get any more baffled, someone finally goes full retard (and yes, that was some bait -- I fully expect all the Tea Partiers to fail to realize that's a comedic movie reference from Tropic Thunder and start accusing me of being "racist" against the mentally challenged now). That's right, someone with a poor grasp on grammar and punctuation rules decided to send me a series of death threats over email last night:

And in case you can't see that because your monocle's in the shop (mine is), I'll quickly just write out each cleverly composed subject line and email for your convenience.

Email 1: Ha ha -- Hope you die soon. Your a loser probably gay

Email 2: Get out -- Kill your self please

Email 3: Die -- Kill yourself !!!

Email 4: Ha -- Bet your gay

Email 5: Ha -- Die soon please do not get hit by a train or bus please lesbo

Ah, yes! Pure poetry! What a coincidence that until yesterday when I decided to poke a little fun at the Tea Party, I'd never received a death threat. What a coincidence that kingmill30@gmail.com doesn't seem to recognize the difference between "your" and "you're" or understand why punctuation is important. What a coincidence that this person, who seems to have gotten so riled up by my comedic words, completely loses grasp of common sense by the end of his (or her!) tirade. I mean, what does that last email even mean? You want me to die soon, just not via a fast-moving train or bus please lesbo? What?! But most interesting, however, is the coincidence that a group that supposedly condemns Islamic extremism would attract some members who don't see the irony of embarking on their own mini-Jihads. It's the perfect storm of stupid.

And on that not, I'm gonna stop myself here. Trying to make sense out of this nonsense is like trying to explain to a little kid why he has to eat his vegetables before he gets dessert. The only difference, though, is that the kid usually grows up to finally get it. The Tea Partiers? Well, we can hope. But if by chance one or more of them wants to stop acting like a petulant child, I hope they let me know. I'll be more than happy to set a place for them at the grown-ups table. I must insist, however, that they remember to wash their hands first. Anonymous email death threats are full of germs.


Allison said...

Psht, they weren't even original enough to re-write the e-mails they wrote to Obama last week.

Shannon said...

I like the "invite kingmill30 to chat" line. I know gmail does that for everything, but I have an image of you sitting at your laptop, reading these death threats, and saying, "I declare, there would be nothing more lovely than a cup of tea with kingmill30."

Boomhauer said...

This is what you get when you link to bigger sites like TBD.com. You should pull out of that and shoot your comedy invective all over middle America'a collective bacon-tits from your small corner of the internets.

Adam said...

I liked his use of the word 'uppity' in the same breath that he called you a racist.

"Uppity was a derogatory term applied throughout the South to Black people who climbed the socioeconomic ladder. The implication is: there's a certain racial order to the world and this particular Black man is not adhering to that," Tina Harris, a professor at the University of Georgia who specializes in interracial communication.

Patty Duke said...

"You dare speak the name of Glen Beck in vane? May you be slapped by a six month old baby. Death to the enfadell"

Alex Z said...

I wonder if he (or she?) manually typed in that it was sent from their iPhone.

Brandon E. Windsor said...

First things first, death threats are stupid. Anyone who would resort to death threats over an Internet disagreement is trying to compensate for their lack of intelligence.

Having said that I think your post yesterday was idiotic. You keep going back to the whole "comedic" tone you were supposedly taking, but there is just one problem--it wasn't funny. There was absolutely zero humor. It wasn't satirical. It wasn't anything remotely resembling amusing.

Cook up all the angles to your argument you want. It was a stupid post against people you hate.

Marissa said...


Fair enough...mostly. I agree that death threats are stupid and humor is subjective (well, besides poop jokes -- those are universally hilarious). That said, it's more than OK that you didn't find my fashion criticism funny or even remotely amusing. To each there own, I say.

What's not OK, though, is you saying that my disagreement with an ideology (or lack thereof) held by a group of people (some of whom happened to be dressed rather badly) is equivalent to me hating said individuals. I may hate what they're listening to or what they're wearing, but I'm not going to send actively wish them harm.

Look, I'm a registered independent -- just like you (yes, I took the time to read your blog). I'm friends with everybody if they're able and, more importantly, willing to hold an intelligent and calm conversation. I'm sure there are Tea Partiers out there who are both willing and able, but unfortunately, I haven't met one yet. All the race-baiting comments I received yesterday, as well as the death threats, don't quite cut it. I'm just hoping that if/when I ever do meet one worthy of having an actual conversation with that he or she is not dressed in so much denim. It's distracting.

Marissa said...


Judging from the speed at which I got them (all within three minutes), I'm guessing death threating is this guy's hobby...


I saw that, too. And of course I thought about it. I really feel like I'm in an episode of South Park or something. I'm fascinated with the ridiculousness!


Your way with words always floors me. But I gotta say, I like this partnership with TBD. Although they've sent over a few haters, they've also sent over a fair amount of reasonable people, as well. Bacon tits.


Yeah. I saw that, too. I can forgive that mistake as the word is used more often than not colloquially these days. I've regrettably used it out of ignorance, as well. What I can't forgive is the general ridiculousness of the idea. I mean, really...


A six-year-old "anchor baby!" ZING!

Alex Z--

I doubt it. That was all spelled correctly. :/

Walt said...

You are awesome Marissa. Thanks for your laughs, humor and wit.

Freewheel said...

These teabaggers are some high caliber individuals.

Debbi said...

"Bet your gay" must be the lamest death threat ever.

Kat said...

Wow. Someone's a wee bit over-sensitive about his fashion choices.

James D. said...

If you were a lesbian I'd be even more attracted to you.

(hey, its sophomoric, but most guys would agree...)

wood dash kits said...

I like this partnership with TBD. Although they have sent more than two enemies, they also sent over a lot of reasonable people, as well. Breast Bacon.