mob justice prevailed at soccer in the circle

I've never *not* been in love with freedom. In fact, as I sit here on the back deck, my pants 100 percent not on, with the e-world at my fingertips, it feels so natural to lean back in this reclining lawn chair, which was made in China, and simply bask in it. Goddamn, this is a great country.

And if a person can fall in love with freedom just because he or she can engage in a little indecent exposure while spending hours searching the Web to find things like a soundboard dedicated to the best worst movie of all time, The Room, imagine how someone could feel about it when you add a pinch of team sports, a couple of vuvuzelas and a whole lot of making fun of England. Not only do I love freedom then, but I kind of want to give it a rape whistle because, oh my, it's so alluring that I almost want to touch it in its special place.


Did you notice the middle finger displayed just southwest of Old Glory? I'm pretty sure that finger's directed at David Beckham, whose larger-than-life face periodically graced the screens of Soccer in the Circle on Saturday afternoon to show his nonplussed expressions. And while (surprisingly) I didn't *act* like much of an asshole (my middle fingers were too busy helping me grasp onto whatever makeshift hand-fans I could find), I was (unsurprisingly) dressed like one.


Yet, so was everyone else and, really, I'm glad we all did because when England fumbled and we scored to tie, it made this moment all the more sweet.



USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

O! What an amazing moment in DC history! Everyone came together to celebrate a common goal (literally), with nary an obnoxious idiot who sought to ruin everyone's time by climbing up a tree to enhance his own view while blocking those of the hundreds of people behind him in site.



Or maybe that did happen. But you know what else happened? Some freaking mob justice, that's what! And if there's one thing DC does well (that is, besides producing the type of person who would sacrifice the fun of all for the benefit of one), it's mob justice. And the evidence in this aptly titled "dicktree.com" incident is no exception. So, without further ado, mob, I present to you the highly uncoveted Anti DC Bald Eagle of Freedom award!

Congratulations, mob. You've earned it.

***

Also, in case you missed it (because you started waving your flag a early in the morning on Saturday), I did a rare weekend post, in which I (shoddily) recapped the events of the World Cup Opening Party at the South African Embassy on Friday morning. You can witness the shambles by clicking here.

mob justice thrice!

Mob justice is so 2008! For the third time in just over a month, a group of DC residents served up some justice on a khaki platter to a possibly retarded criminal. This time, instead of chasing down a gunman or Bob Novak, however, the criminal was an even sicker freak, who sexually assaulted three women within hours of each other downtown.

According to The Examiner, "Police have charged Edwin K. Wright, 23, with two counts each of sex abuse and assault, following a string of incidents that ended when a group of citizens tackled the man at 15th and K streets."

You go, mob!

Seriously, if the DC police aren't going to protect and serve, at least our neighbors will.

Luckily, though, the police decided to do some work and connected Wright's string of crimes together, which means he'll (hopefully) be locked away longer or given the mental help it seems he so desperately needs.

Anyway, Wright began his spree by punching a woman in the back of the head (uh, seriously?) on Pennsylvania Avenue. He then ventured into the Farragut North metro station, where he tried to go to second base with another woman, before moving out to 1500 K Street, where he really demonstrated how much of sick bastard he really was. While normally I'd conjure up a fine rape joke for the purposes of The Anti DC, I'll refrain from doing so because there's really nothing ironic or funny about this. It's just sick and wrong.

For real, DC's mob of justice, thank you for doing good and stopping this nasty, gnarly, sick freak.

mob justice goes singular

For the second time in under two weeks, DC residents have been forced to take justice into their own hands. Whereas last time some brave fools with sticks chased down a gunman amid live fire and held him for police, yesterday it was a single cyclist who did good -- Mr. David Bono, the true king sh*t, served some fine justice.

See, Bono was just ridin' spiffy (seriously, this guy was in a full three-piece suit without a drop of sweat on his person...how the hell?!) at the intersection of 18th and K Streets when he saw newly crowned King Douche (relations to the Grand Duke of Doucheville and Lil' Lord Doucheington remain unconfirmed), columnist Robert Novak, hit a pedestrian in his black corvette and speed off. But Bono would be damned if he'd let Novak's douchemobile speed away untethered, so he peddled and peddled and peddled some more until he caught up with RoNo at the next intersection. He then used his body and his bicycle to form a one-man barricade until police could come and serve their own brand of justice...well, sort of (we'll get to the 5-oh-hell-no's shambles in a moment...). For now, let's return to the scene. According to a CBS.com news report:

Bono said that the pedestrian, who was crossing the street on a 'walk' signal and was in the crosswalk, rolled off the windshield and that Novak then made a right into the service lane of K Street. "The car is speeding away. What’s going through my mind is, you just can’t hit a pedestrian and drive away," Bono said.

And Bono is right! You can't just do that! Or, well, at least you shouldn't be able to do that...(but again, we'll get to that in a moment). In the meantime, let's explore Novak's apparent blindness:

"I didn’t know I hit him. I feel terrible," a shaken Novak told reporters from Politico and WJLA as he was returning to his car. "He's not dead, that's the main thing."

Well, tip of the hat to you, sir! "He's not dead!" "That is the main thing!" Real f*cking classy, Novak. That's rich.

Oh, but you know what else is rich? Novak is! Which may explain why the King didn't get charged with a hit'n'run, but instead got a $50 citation for "failing to yield the right-of-way."

You know what DC? F*CK THAT! That is some straight bullsh*t. Bitch hit a dude! HE HIT A 66-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO WAS WALKING IN A CROSSWALK WITH THE RIGHT-OF-WAY! Meanwhile, the unnamed "not dead" hexagenarian is now holed up in George Washington University Hospital in a neck brace. Isn't life sweet?

I'll bet my antique monocle that Novak did this on purpose. I mean, he's 77 so he probably saw this 66-year-young whipper-snapper strutting down the street and thought he'd teach him a lesson -- "Damn you, young man, for following the law! Look at me looking spritely and young in my sweet black corvette! Spritely and young, I say! Hey ladies! I'm a cliche!" *BOOM!*

You're the man, Novak! But seriously, how powerful is RoNo? I mean, clearly, he was in a pickle. HE HIT A 66-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO WAS WALKING IN A CROSSWALK WITH THE RIGHT-OF-WAY! (Wait, did I say that? Novak's apparent dementia is rubbing off on me.) So how the hell did he douche himself out of this one? Well, as someone who's dealt with some shady law enforcement employees in the past (albeit not in the United States), I know there's only two ways to get out of a legal snafu that fast: You either offer an attractive monetary bribe or an attractive, um, something else (luckily, I spent my time in Russia before our American dollars and cents became less valuable than the paper and metal on which they're printed...Recession Goulet!).

So, with that knowledge in my left frontal lobe, I'm tempted to believe Novak either bought his way out of this jam, or he made a new special friend, because seriously -- HE HIT A 66-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO WAS WALKING IN A CROSSWALK WITH THE RIGHT-OF-WAY (I know, cut'n'paste is so lazy, kind of like a hit'n'run...). AND ALL HE GOT WAS A $50 FINE? That justice sucks. Where's the mob with sticks at?

UPDATE: Turns out RoNo hit an 88-year-old homeless man. So much for my young whipper-snapper theory. Turns out RoNo is still the carefree hooligan, after all!