For the second time in under two weeks, DC residents have been forced to take justice into their own hands. Whereas last time some brave fools with sticks chased down a gunman amid live fire and held him for police, yesterday it was a single cyclist who did good -- Mr. David Bono, the true king sh*t, served some fine justice.
See, Bono was just ridin' spiffy (seriously, this guy was in a full three-piece suit without a drop of sweat on his person...how the hell?!) at the intersection of 18th and K Streets when he saw newly crowned King Douche (relations to the Grand Duke of Doucheville and Lil' Lord Doucheington remain unconfirmed), columnist Robert Novak, hit a pedestrian in his black corvette and speed off. But Bono would be damned if he'd let Novak's douchemobile speed away untethered, so he peddled and peddled and peddled some more until he caught up with RoNo at the next intersection. He then used his body and his bicycle to form a one-man barricade until police could come and serve their own brand of justice...well, sort of (we'll get to the 5-oh-hell-no's shambles in a moment...). For now, let's return to the scene. According to a CBS.com news report:
Bono said that the pedestrian, who was crossing the street on a 'walk' signal and was in the crosswalk, rolled off the windshield and that Novak then made a right into the service lane of K Street. "The car is speeding away. What’s going through my mind is, you just can’t hit a pedestrian and drive away," Bono said.
And Bono is right! You can't just do that! Or, well, at least you shouldn't be able to do that...(but again, we'll get to that in a moment). In the meantime, let's explore Novak's apparent blindness:
"I didn’t know I hit him. I feel terrible," a shaken Novak told reporters from Politico and WJLA as he was returning to his car. "He's not dead, that's the main thing."
Well, tip of the hat to you, sir! "He's not dead!" "That is the main thing!" Real f*cking classy, Novak. That's rich.
Oh, but you know what else is rich? Novak is! Which may explain why the King didn't get charged with a hit'n'run, but instead got a $50 citation for "failing to yield the right-of-way."
You know what DC? F*CK THAT! That is some straight bullsh*t. Bitch hit a dude! HE HIT A 66-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO WAS WALKING IN A CROSSWALK WITH THE RIGHT-OF-WAY! Meanwhile, the unnamed "not dead" hexagenarian is now holed up in George Washington University Hospital in a neck brace. Isn't life sweet?
I'll bet my antique monocle that Novak did this on purpose. I mean, he's 77 so he probably saw this 66-year-young whipper-snapper strutting down the street and thought he'd teach him a lesson -- "Damn you, young man, for following the law! Look at me looking spritely and young in my sweet black corvette! Spritely and young, I say! Hey ladies! I'm a cliche!" *BOOM!*
You're the man, Novak! But seriously, how powerful is RoNo? I mean, clearly, he was in a pickle. HE HIT A 66-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO WAS WALKING IN A CROSSWALK WITH THE RIGHT-OF-WAY! (Wait, did I say that? Novak's apparent dementia is rubbing off on me.) So how the hell did he douche himself out of this one? Well, as someone who's dealt with some shady law enforcement employees in the past (albeit not in the United States), I know there's only two ways to get out of a legal snafu that fast: You either offer an attractive monetary bribe or an attractive, um, something else (luckily, I spent my time in Russia before our American dollars and cents became less valuable than the paper and metal on which they're printed...Recession Goulet!).
So, with that knowledge in my left frontal lobe, I'm tempted to believe Novak either bought his way out of this jam, or he made a new special friend, because seriously -- HE HIT A 66-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO WAS WALKING IN A CROSSWALK WITH THE RIGHT-OF-WAY (I know, cut'n'paste is so lazy, kind of like a hit'n'run...). AND ALL HE GOT WAS A $50 FINE? That justice sucks. Where's the mob with sticks at?
UPDATE: Turns out RoNo hit an 88-year-old homeless man. So much for my young whipper-snapper theory. Turns out RoNo is still the carefree hooligan, after all!