Thursday, July 17, 2008

attention all douchebaguettes!

Are you a fan of the Mystic tan? Are you a blond that still favors the "Rachel from Friends" haircut? Are you a giant female douchebag, a douchebaguette,* if you will? If you answered, "yah," "like, totally" and "you know it, bitches!" to any or all of those questions then you, my douchey e-friend, could end up on teh teevee like these fine ladiezzz! Holla!

"I think I just impregnated myself!"

These classy might-as-well-be-bebe-clad females (seriously, is that a lavender fur bolero vest on the right?) are Katherine Kennedy, Krista Johnson and Sophie Pyle (possibly pictured above in that order, possibly not, but does it honestly really matter?), the three Georgetown "DC socialites," who have signed on to do a Hills-esque reality show here in the Capital of the Free World. (Apparently, we're letting the terrorists win now...)

To give you a bit more perspective about the shambles that will compose this yet-to-be-named show (although, may I suggest calling it "So You Think You Can Douche?" -- wait, on second thought, scratch that), these three girls apparently have dubbed themselves the (and I am not joking) "Blond Charity Mafia." And, not surprisingly, they were found via DC's one and only "members only" social network for douchebags, Late Night Shots, where hungover assholes discuss who got whom pregnant and where they can "take care of it" (again, I am not joking).

Now, whether or not the majority of this show will take place in offshore abortion clinics, I have my doubts, but one thing is for sure -- this show is guaranteed to be even more irritating than the actual version of The Hills. At least The Hills has Justin Bobby! What the hell does DC have? Oh yeah. This guy:

Lil' Lord Doucheington has nothing on the Grand Duke of Doucheville, pictured above courtesy of Project Beltway.

Honestly, I have no idea how they're going to keep this show interesting. I mean, you can only film bitches barfing outside of Smith's Point so many times before that sh*t gets old. And word on the proverbial street Valtrex prescription says several popular Georgetown establishments have already refused to allow the show to film on their property, including the Gryphon Room, whatever the hell that is.

Now, before you get jealous that you're not on the show (because I know you're all dying to be portrayed as vapid, spoiled attention whores), let me give you a reason to live: They're apparently still casting two or three more douchebaguettes! Tip top!

Unfortunately, save for impregnating yourself in Georgetown and writing about it the next day on LNS, I'm not sure what the best route is for you to get on the show. I know it seems to help, though, if you have really rich parents, are from the South and are completely delusional. What do I mean by delusional? I mean this:
"It's all going to be about our real lives," said Johnson, who is a partner at the Georgetown boutique We One You Two. "It's going to be in the same vein of MTV's The Hills but ours is going to be more realistic."
More realistic? Really?! So there will be scenes filmed at offshore abortion clinics! (SCORE! Another abortion joke in this post and it's not even noon! Shouldn't I get a medal or something?)

But alas, as much as I love mocking this uniquely DC type of douchebag(uette), I must admit I really am a bit jealous, as I know for a fact that a reality show based on my life would not only entertain the nation, but I'm pretty sure it would save our economy, end the war in Iraq and allow for the second coming of Jesus. However, it will not save me from getting capped (handgun ban officially lifted today!) by some douche in madras if I dare show my face in Georgetown ever again after implying that everyone there is a badly dressed whore. Whoops! Well, at least I'm right about one thing. (I'll let you guess.) Hey, if you can't laugh at rich people, you can't laugh at anything.

Anyway, here's to not getting [late night] shot! And yes, production company, if you want to cast me as the much-need reality show arch-nemesis, I will do it! Clearly, I too am an attention whore, who is extremely easy to typecast. Come on, the cynical, antisocial, blogger, who thinks she's smarter than everyone else, often to her own detriment? It's so easy... E-mail me! ♥

*A special thanks to BAD for coming up with "douchebaguette." You are truly a brilliant man.

25 comments:

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

:wiping iced coffee off my screen: oh this is hilarious -- we must find out where they do filming of this show - because I want to show up and make fun of them. What is with that tacky ass purple dress and fur accessory - oh too funny

I hate mystic tan - makes ya too orange -- awesome post as always

Lemmonex said...

Yes, I find that Georgetown really IS the real DC. Oye.

Anonymous said...

Oh my god. These bitches need to fucking go away. I hate georgetown. I hate tan bitches who have shit jobs and maxxed out credit cards just so they can wear shit clothes and think they're fucking celebs. Fuck fuck fuck. This is a goddamn sign of the apocalypse. FUCK.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

omg anons comment is cracking me up -- can post the link to this story, the one didn't work - I need to email this hot mess out

Mary said...

I will always look @Bebe storefronts and think "douchebaguette uniforms". Thanks for reminding me why I got rid of my cable - funny shit.

I think the show's nemesis should be some cranky old government worker who is a year away from retirement and wears pantyhose w/sandals.

Dave B. said...

My condolences to DC residents for having to endure this travesty on a relatively firsthand basis.

And pity for the rest of us that will have to contend with this wretched pile of yak vomit.

Looks like the list for "Ignorant Douchetards Who Should Be Hurled Into An Industrial Woodchipper" just got longer.

Anonymous said...

and another thing! This is why we NEED meatheads! These little fuckers (Grand Duke of Doucheville) are walking around dangerously unchecked by bullies. They've invented this clubhouse (Smith Point) simply so they can cavort free from the bullies. Some buzz cut, tattooed, assholes from Jersey need to get in there and impregnate these bitches and breed them out just like King Longshanks did in Braveheart. Pre-ter Nocturn! Fuck fuck fuckity fuck!

Proustian said...

This is quite disturbing. First of all, it's only going to confirm in these people's minds that it's okay to be like that, in fact that being like that is GOOD.

Even more scary, what if it serves as a beacon for other douchebaugettes in other cities that DC is the place for them, and they all swarm?!

Muffy said...

I think you've confused douchebaguettes with turbettes. None of the pictured girls would ever shop at Bebe.

@lemmonex: Perhaps affluent Georgetowners don't represent a cross-section of the city. Would a reality show about DC's poor, in which mass audiences are invited to marvel at the poverty of others, be better?

Marissa said...

Wow. There is some true, hardcore anger up in here...

While my critique is clearly infused with quite a bit of sarcasm, I will comment in all seriousness that shows about rich, pretty, 20-something "socialites" are such a cliche. So cliche, in fact, that I heard MTV is passing on this one...that says something.

But for reals, why are reality shows that are based around women always about girls who drink iced lattes in strapless terry-cloth get-ups (bebe, Juicy Couture, whatever) whose main concerns are whether so-and-so really does have a sex tape (probably) or whether some dumbass guy is into them or not (probably not)?

You can tell me this one will be different, but the fact that the concept arose from the bowels of LNS says otherwise. LNS is a trashy, vapid Web site, ergo, logic says this show is going to be equally trashy and vapid. Aren't we ready for something new yet?

And specifically to Muffy (nice one, btw): While I see your point (it's entertaining to watch rich people act like assholes), I think at this point I would rather "marvel at the poverty of others" than watch a uglied up version of The Hills -- at least people would learn something new from a show based outside of Georgetown. And honestly, the non-NW section of DC, which is oft swept under the proverbial rug, needs to be exposed. DC is f*cked up and it's high time people stopped thinking the whole damn town is white kids in politics (I know, ironically, I do absolutely nothing myself to dispell this myth). DC is probably one of the most racially and economically segregated cities in the United States. Let's air that.

Or, like I said, we can just base this DC reality show around me...I wouldn't mind the paycheck...

Anonymous said...

Some industry people I know were talking about pitching something like this about a year ago. I will break their fucking knees if it was them.

I-66 said...

I will not speak to the trashiness or vapidness of anyone on the show, considering I know personally and happen to like one of its subjects (stars?). However, whether I will actually watch is in little doubt, as I pay less than little mind to The Hills as it is, and the fact that this show will be based in DC doesn't do much to change the fact that I probably won't watch more than a few minutes.

. said...

I hate girls who call themselves "DC Socialites." Or people who refer to said girls as "socialites" Grrrr..... I might really like this city, but come on, who are they kidding, there are no socialites here, not even close. So, Capitol Hill 20210, please call me when you find out about the filming, I'd love to join you in fun making.

sophia said...

DC is white?! OMG, I need to get my ass back to PGC.

LivitLuvit said...

Oh. My. Lord.

The worst part is, I'm going to have to watch at least one episode... my curiosity is going to get the best of me on this one...

And fo shiz you should be cast as the archnemesis! Not the Heidi kind, bc ew, but more like the Kristin Cavallari kind, circa the good old Laguna Beach days.

Shannon said...

Ok, it's official....Highway knows EVERYONE. He's the real DC Socialite!

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

Ten bucks says Highway makes an appearance on the show as a love interest, kind of like Brody or something.

But yeah Marissa should be like Kristin Cavalleri......

I really do want to bust in on the taping big time - oh how fun that would be.

Tippi said...

This is slightly off topic but I felt the need to share:

http://www.projectbeltway.com/?p=708

Methinks this is a case for Shambles P.I. Could these hideous slippers be DC's new Crocs? (There's even a madras pair! The horror!)

Matt Boyd said...

Sixty six, talk some sense into these chicks. The last thing we need is more girls glamorizing binge drinking and sluttery. Someone has to draw the f*cking line.

Muffy said...

@Marissa: Although that'd be a much more enlightening show, it wouldn't sell in documentary format; it'd be more "laugh at the poor for being poor." For example, Rock of Love (my personal favorite) didn't encourage anyone to sympathize with "poor white trash" who continue stripping and binge drinking at age 35; instead it revived a very middle school way of laughing at people.

I don't know any of the girls on the show well, but most of them are heavily involved in charity. If, God forbid, girls assume role models from reality television, they really wouldn't be so bad.

Marissa said...

tippi--

Ooo...I see where you're coming from. Much like Topsiders, if done wrong TOMS look totally douchey. However, knowing my opinion on Topsiders (I do own a pair after all), I must stick up for TOMS in the same kind of way. Again, this is not a shoe that should probably be bedazzled, but the plain canvas kind in any neutral color (um, NOT madras), can really enhance an outfit. My main gay (the one who bought the Helmut Lang windbreaker) has a pair and he turns that sh*t out, believe me.

muffy--

Actually, I think a show that filmed in Anacostia or wherever would sell in documentary format pretty easily. Moreover, it'd probably be incredibly interesting to see how people in real life facing real hardships really live. I don't think it would have to degenerate into some sort of condescending "laugh at them" project. If it did, I think that it'd be high time for us all to just punch ourselves in the collective face as a nation.

However, I think we actually agree here. You're right. The "documentary format" favored by the likes of MTV, et al., and what you see on "Rock of Love," for example (which, I agree is completely retardedly hilarious), would not suit a show that wasn't based on superficialities. The Hills is 100 percent scripted and to think this new show, which is being touted by the production team and the "stars" as "The Hills on The Hill," will be any less scripted is absurd, in my opinion.

And while I think that's admirable that these women do charity work (although I would wonder how much of it is of the "ladies luncheon" variety opposed to the volunteering variety), the likelihood of them being portrayed as do-good charity types is also slim-to-none (even if that's who they really are). Let's take the real proposed title: "Late Night Shots," named after the eponymous Web site, of course. Sure that Web site advertises charity events, but the root of it is about partying, hooking up and bragging about which "frat dog" pulled the most douchey stunts that weekend. Role models, indeed...

I say bring back real shows for kids like Hey Dude! and Salute Your Shorts. Now that was wholesome entertainment! (Holy shit! Did I just pull an Andy Rooney?!)

Marissa said...

Also, apart from all of the above, I think it's just a tired, cliche idea for a show, which will probably just propogate the tired, cliche stereotype of the District, meaning it'll make it even more annoying to live here for those of us who don't subscribe to that scene.

AND HOLY SHIT! Muffy! Nice Rick Astley promotion...touche.

Reg G said...

marissa,

i don't care for lns or this reality show, so honestly, why the hell do you care? Maybe you should get out from behind your computer and volunteer your time if you think DC needs that much help. You would make a much bigger impact that way and DC would be much better served.

Marissa said...

reg g--

You're probably right. I should volunteer more. I used to in college, but moving to Moscow killed the budding philanthropist inside of me. It's probably high time I revived it, actually.

But to ask me to "get out from behind my computer" and stop writing, well that's like asking an artist to never paint again. We all need hobbies. One of mine happens to be writing, and in particular, humor writing. Unfortunately, humor isn't always universal, so if you don't see the value of this blog, then, well, you don't see the value of this blog. It is what it is.

And no, I don't particularly care about LNS or their reality show, but it does make for some amusing subject matter about which to write, so I did. It's really that simple. It honestly takes me about an hour start to finish to write the average blog entry, and often less time if the post revolves around a photo. So, contrary to how it might seem, this blog isn't all that time consuming. I'm just lucky that one of my fortes, stringing sentences together, coincides with one of my interests, I suppose.

Anyway, back to your suggestion. I could spare a few hours of my time to volunteer without sacrificing one of my favorite hobbies. My favorite activities in college involved working with children (strangely enough(, and in particular, teaching them foreign languages. If anyone knows of any programs like that in DC, feel free to E-mail me.

Liz said...

Holy crap. I went to high school with that Katherine Kennedy - she tried friending me a couple months ago on Facebook (denied!). I need to find a new city of residence, for serious.