greetings and solicitations

You know what DC needs more of? Food trucks. And I'm not even being ironic. I mean it. There are definitely not enough mobile meal options in the area, which is why I'm coming up with a plan: Affordable Smoothie Solutions.

Now, since I don't know sh*t about obtaining a license to serve meals on wheels to those who can afford to pay a few dollars for a delicious and healthful smoothie/juice beverage, I'm on the hunt for those who do. In other words, would you like to be the Hugh Honey to my Vic Vinegar and help me spread the delicious taste of A.S.S. all around town this summer? If so, contact me here, here or here, as I am quite serious about capitalizing on this trend and making all kinds of money when the disgustingly hot swamp summer rolls around.

In other business-related news (although certainly not the A.S.S. juice business), an artistic friend of mine is selling a book of flowery photos over here. Although too late for the December gift-giving holidays, it's arrived just in time for National Bean Day. YOU ONLY HAVE ONE DAY LEFT TO PREPARE! Luckily, there's no better way to show that special garbanzo how much you care than by purchasing a book full of photos of his or her distant cousins.

Speaking of special garbanzos, I have to give a nod to new Mayor Vince Gray, who proved yesterday that next to Baby Preacher, he's the No. 1 motivational speaker in the Free World for DC voting rights.



YES! I want to go leave a flaming bag of dog excrement on the stoop of the Capitol! Who's with me??? Vince?

*crickets*

Uh, Vince? Mr. Gray?

*crickets*

Where the f*ck did Big Baby Preacher go?

"After the speeches, Gray, at the last second, declined to join the activists, who were going to lobby the office of incoming House Speaker John Boehner," reports WAMU 88.5 FM. "The mayor says he talked it over with [DC's fake representative/all-around baller Eleanor Holmes] Norton and the two will instead call and make an appointment to speak with Boehner in person."

Exquisite! Because there's no better way to "fight" the powers that be than by calling their receptionist and scheduling an appointment for two weeks from never. Ugh.

But let's not get ourselves feeling too hopeless already. Along with our extensive preparations for the A.S.S. truck, National Bean Day, and listening to rousing speeches about fighting the powers that be before deciding instead to do lunch with the powers that be, we must also make time to have fun during the last 715 days we have left before the Dec. 21, 2012 fake apocolypse sets in. (Are you really ready for nothing to happen?)

Anyway, I think I'll start off my fun day by drawing a full-size bath for my bear, if you know what I mean. In case you don't know what I mean, allow me to tell you: I'm going to procure a tub, fill it full with refreshing water, then wait for a baby mini bear to look cute in it. Alternatively, I can piss a bear off by giving it a tiny bucket of water, laugh at its struggle to fit in, then threaten to put it on YouTube.



Yeah. What a bunch of assholes. And let's be honest, I'm not sure this was the best plan... If this grizzly remembers this time of frustration, these people better be prepared to live without faces because this bear will rip into it like Daniel Day Lewis did a milkshake. DO NOT PLAY WITH A BEAR'S EMOTIONS!

*Photo "Archimboldo's Kindergarten" unknowingly provided by Flickr user erix. Thanks!