it's a hax off.

Capping off an incredibly slow week over here on account of lots of people who can read skipping town for "vacation" (assholes), I've decided to take a little vacation of my own. That is, I'm going to add absolutely nothing original to the blogosphere this Friday and, instead, simply do what I've done before (here and here) and just rework Carolyn Hax's weekend advice column into something much more entertaining, albeit far less useful, for your and my reading enjoyment.

Of course, the rest of the day won't be all fun and games (well, until I hit up the Mets Nationals game tonight). Nope. I've got business to give to handle. I've got some B-roll to go shoot today for an upcoming new video feature that will blow your minds like a light breeze. Look out for that next week. But for now, look out for this:

Dear Carolyn The Anti DC:

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We began dating because I asked him out. I was the first to say, "I love you." I was the one, after two years, who brought up moving in together. He had no children and wanted a child, but I am the one who brought up children: My daughters were adults when my boyfriend and I had our child. In seven years, I seem to have been the only one making decisions about our future.

So I refuse to bring up marriage. I wanted it to come from him, I needed him to want it, and I waited very patiently. I find myself becoming bitter that this man obviously does not want to marry me. I know he would if it became an issue.

I do not want to break up my family. I want to be in a relationship knowing the other intends to spend the rest of his life with me. We split expenses. He has a financial cushion, I struggle paycheck to paycheck. I was a single young mother and struggled all my life. He lived with his mother for the majority of his life and has managed to invest and save.

It is not about the money, though I do feel as if we are two separate islands. I feel so very lonely. I feel like I would be happier without him, but what cost would my child pay for my happiness? My boyfriend and I rarely argue and get along quite well. Our child is happy and content. Only I seem to be miserable.

T.

First of all, that was WAY too in-depth. You really could've just written, "He lived with his mother the majority of his life," because that's the only thing that's really relevant here -- THE DUDE LIVED WITH HIS MOTHER THE MAJORITY OF HIS LIFE! The fact that you expect him to be anything less than really f*cking weird is your fault. Leave him; get a Brownie Husband.

And because that advice was so damn obvious and boring, I'm going to take a look at last weekend's column, as well. Let's hope it's something more exciting than, "I want marry to a middle-aged child..."

Dear Carolyn The Anti DC:

If a woman's husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive toward her throughout the course of their marriage, and the wife finally becomes fed up and wants to leave, what do you see as her obligation toward him and the marriage, if he says he -- now -- wants to change his behavior?

Is she obligated to give it a shot, go for counseling, give him another chance because he says he needs her help and feedback in order to change? I don't want to give it a shot, but he has me thinking I should. I feel as if I've given him many chances over the years and he ignored me until faced with the prospect of losing me.

Not a hypothetical question

Well, your husband's clearly not a hypothetical DFL (Dick for Life), he's a real one and possibly the DFL spokesman of the decade because he's obviously still trying to manipulate you by guilting you into "helping" him change. And if The Anti DC knows anything about helping a DFL, it's that it should never be done unless you're a prostitute and your "help" is being reciprocated with cash. (Get it, girl!)

So, there's that: You can become a hooker. However, if you're not into that (although I cannot understand why you wouldn't be), you only owe this born-a-dick, grew-up-a-dick, and-shall-remain-a-dick-forever one thing -- a junk-punch telegram telling him you're leaving. It's just like a singing telegram, but instead of a song with the message, he'll receive a swift punch in the junk instead. That will be the entire message. If we learn nothing else today, remember abuse can only be solved with more abuse, as long as that abuse is amusing.

Dear Carolyn The Anti DC:

My husband is angry that I won't see a marriage counselor. I have asked him for a divorce. I have been unhappy a long time, and have been in individual therapy. I am not in love with him anymore, and the reasons I want out are not external, but those internal things that add up to a strong distaste as an intimate emotional partner. I still enjoy his friendship. I don't want hum to hold a grudge as we move forward, but I think counseling together would give him false hopes.

D.C.

This is Lisa from The Room, right? Are you sure you want to talk about it? I know you don't love Johnny anymore and Mark's your "lover boy" and all, but he's also Johnny's best friend. I'm pretty sure he told you that. I don't understand you Lisa, Johnny treats you like a princess and you stab him in the back. I don't like all these stupid comments that are coming out of your pocket right now, Lisa. In fact, I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb, waiting for it to go off. And while that may be because of the scotchka or that weird, gigantic loaf of bread you passed off as food at Johnny's birthday party or maybe even "me underwears," I think more likely it's because you're TEARING ME APART, LISA! You're a chicken -- cheep cheep cheeeeep. Don't you know lahv eez blind? I fed up with this world! Oh, hi Mark! Anyway, how's your sex life?

i will unleash my own fury

Sorry for not getting a post up of earlier. I'm sure I've ruined all your days. And if I haven't yet (we all know I haven't), I probably will later (now, that's a definite possibility). But first, I want to ruin the day of the Washington Post's very own advice columnist, Carolyn Hax.

As regular reader(s <--- wishful thinking) know by now, I'm vying for her job by taking the questions she publishes in her column and rewriting her answers, so that they're actually useful. Wait, I mean useless. And because my answers are so useless, I probably should be going for an opinion columnist position, however, I'm afraid @buttscratcher69 has already got dibs on that.

Anyway, back to Ms. Hax and her half-assed, yet regretfully useful advice. Today, she did a live advice column, during which desperate fools get to ask questions in real-time regarding their proverbial skeletons in their closet. Or, in the case of Washington, DC, the proverbial horrible outfits in their closet. Wait. That's all too real. If you don't believe me check out Carolyn's introduction: "I was wearing a Caps shirt, since I'm on to next year in spirit, but it got drooly at the dog park and I had to change." TOO SOON, HAX! TOO SOON!

OK. I took five minutes to sop up the tears and I'm ready to revisit some of the more poignant questions from this afternoon's live session. Oh, indeed! Welcome to another edition of The Anti DC's Advice Column (NOT!). (Speaking of, I'm pretty sure I need advice about renaming this weekly-ish feature. That name is terrible. But I digress...)

Minneapolis, MN: I hope you can find time to answer this. My fiance's father and stepmother (SM) are coming to visit us in a few weeks. The SM likes to drink a few beers every night and then becomes a little nasty to her husband and my fiance. My fiance and I drink rarely and don't keep beer in the house, so my question is whether we need to have beer ready for the SM or if we can politely ask her to not drink while she stays with us. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

I hope you can find time to answer this: What is your problem? Your SM sounds awesome! That said, Minneapolis, MN, I think you need to shut the f*ck up and let a bitch have her nightly brews. Nothing's worse than being a little nasty after some drinks than being a lot nasty because you can't get your drinks. Case in point, clearly, I haven't had my drinks yet today. Dick.

Undisclosed location.: Ugh. Cheated on my wife for the first time last week.

Fabulous!

Wait. How is that a question? Jesus. This live session sucks more than the regular column. And so does this blog post! Funny how things always come full circle around here, even if that circle is as long as a tapeworm and shaped like a giant middle finger.

*sigh*

Yep. I feel good about this one. And I feel good about it being Friday. Enjoy the weekend. :)

good, healthy advice

Well, it's that time of week again, where I spend so much time outside of DC that I have once again come up empty on actual material.

"But, Marissa, even when you're in DC, you still don't have actual material."

"Yeah? Well...um...buttscratcher!"

And by "buttscratcher!" I mean, I'm going to once again take the Washington Post's advice column, written by Carolyn Hax, and make it more fun to read, but far less applicable in everyday life. So, listen up!

Dear Carolyn Anti DC:

I have been dating someone for a year. We are very close and 95 percent of the time have a wonderful relationship, lots of fun, lots of cooking, lots of joint "projects" and plans, and we both get along very very well with each other's families.

I am interested in different kinds of politics than he is. He is a debater and can get really aggressive with me when discussing politics. He wants to move in and I want that, too, but I really am scared that the political arguments will strain our relationship. How do you know when someone is the one, or when the tides are just pulling you together?

--202

Dear 202,

Dating a master debater (oldie but goodie!) can be difficult. Well, unless of course, you recognize that violence could solve all your problems. Seriously, you're boyfriend sounds like a cliché, annoying DC douche, who is convinced he knows everything there is to know about the world and, therefore, how it should be governed. You know the type: The kind that only seeks out friends in his own political party so he can master debate in front of this friends, who cheer him on until he finishes. (Ew.) In short, he needs to be punched in the face. Several times. With the brass knuckles on.

But as far as knowing if he's "the one," well, I suggest that if you are so desperate for positive reinforcement that you have to write me (via "Two-Bit" Hax, of course) for advice, then you should probably cut this douche loose and stop letting him master debate in front of you. (Huzzah!)

Hi, Carolyn Anti DC:

How long should one wait for a commitment? I've been dating "Bill" for a year and a half. Bill knows I am apprehensive about marriage because, several years ago, my ex-fiance was pushing marriage and I had reluctantly said yes.

Bill's ex cheated on him, so he is having a hard time trusting that it won't happen again (regardless of who the girl is). I don't like bringing up the M-word. I do not want to pressure him, but it's not like I'm going to be there forever without some sort of commitment.

Signed, Fish or cut bait

First of all, FoCB, that acronym blows and I advise you to think up a new one immediately. Like maybe, Fish or Crap Killer Erudite Rats, which, sure, has no logical meaning, but your acronym would be FoCKER, which is much funnier. I'll give you this one for free this time, FoCKER, but next time, I expect more from you.

And while I'm critiquing what you did (or didn't do) properly in your question for Carolyn me, why did you say you're dating "Bill." Clearly, using the quotation marks around the name means you chose a fake name to protect your boyfriend's identity. But why did you choose such a boring one? I mean, "Bill," really? That's the best you can do? I can think of, like, a million cooler names than Bill to use if your goal is to use a pseudonym: "Seymour Butts," "Harry Assinfeis," "Dick Cole," "Frazzles," or my personal favorite, "Stanky Too-Tight." Seriously, FoCKER, get with the program.

And now for the long-awaited advice. I think you should find the real Stanky Too-Tight and marry him. You're welcome.

***

Do you have any advice you want answered in a non-helpful way? If so, feel free to write Carolyn Hax. However, if you want some truly, good and healthy advice that will improve your life, then write The Anti DC at theantidc at gmail dot com. My helper animal trainees look forward to helping you.

questions you never wanted me to answer

Blogging has never been hard for me until now. Maybe it's because I just ate the helper animal I've been relying on lately. But can you blame me? Llama meat is delicious! (R.I.P. Eugene the Helper Llama).

And so I'm going at it alone over here at The Anti DC Headquarters, until I can lure one of my previous two helper animals (Sven, my helper horse, or Vladimir, my helper tortoise) back by bribing them with a delicious meal of, um, llama meat and a fresh bottle of Hendrick's (only the best!). But I promise I won't dine on you guys!

Ahem. Anyways, as I was saying, I'm having a bit of a rough time getting back into the daily swing of things over here after being in retirement so dang long. I don't know how Jay-Z has done this so many times...and clearly this blog is comparable to his music career.

Luckily, however, I've got the e-Washington Post nearby and I have no qualms about bogarting an old gimmick made famous by Gawker, which means I'm going to introduce a new feature! I'm going to take Carolyn Hax's advice column questions and write totally ludicrous responses!

So, while I sit and wonder why creatures without opposable thumbs aren't texting me back, I invite you to read the first edition of The Anti DC's Advice Column (NOT!) <--- Do you see? That's the cleverest title I could think of without the help of an animal who doesn't possess the ability to speak or understand human language. And with that in mind, let's get to the advice.

Dear Carolyn Anti DC:

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years now, and we've been living together most of that time. He moved across the country to be with me, and a year ago I returned the favor. I realized I had been taking some frustrations out on him lately, so I wrote him a letter apologizing and telling him I'd be more supportive.

This led to a conversation that surprised me: He feels like at our age (25) he should know if he wants to marry me, and he's still not sure. Also he wants to live independently, which he feels he hasn't done yet because we've been sharing responsibilities.

He's not ready to break up, but he's pessimistic about our long-term chances. But he loves me and wants to give it a chance because I'm willing to work on things. We are thinking about having him move out but continuing to date. Is this a good idea, or am I kidding myself that this relationship has a chance?>

S.

Dear "S.,"

First of all, I understand why you only used an initial. That sh*tty situation you described above is totally embarrassing. I mean, one of the first things you said you did was "return a favor" by moving across the country to be with your boyfriend. First of all, the idea of reciprocating something nice that someone does for you is already absurd in my book on my blog. Hell, that's almost as absurd as doing a good deed in the first place!

"Hi Marissa, can I help you carry your groceries?"

"Oh really, you want to 'help'?" I'd ask. "SO YOU CAN STEAL MY BEANS?!"

"YES!" this would-be assailant would say. "YOU SAW THROUGH MY ACT! I WAS GOING TO STEAL YOUR BEANS!"

"AHA! I KNEW IT!" I'd say. "NOW, SCRAM, YOU DIRTY RAT BASTARD, SCRAM!"

Oh, if I had a nominal amount paid to me in metal monetary units for every time I've had to ward off a bean burglar...

But where was I. Oh yes, back to "S." You're 25 and you've been with this guy for 5 1/2 years? If my calculations are correct, that means you've been with him since you were 12 1/2 and, I'll tell ya, as someone older and wiser, I think that is much too young to jump into a serious relationship. I think you should dump this man (that is, um, if he hasn't dumped you first by the time I get done writing this) and go at the world by yourself for a while, because in just 5 1/2 years you'll be 103, according to the calculator in my mind, and you don't want to let life pass you by while you spend all your time worrying about some dude who's about to break up with you in slow motion. NEXT!

Dear Carolyn Anti DC:

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, and I am pleased and honored. The problem is that I have been out of work for four months and barely have enough money to pay my bills and buy food. I don't know how I will pay for the plane ticket, hotel room, dress, etc. My friend knows I have not been working but doesn't seem to realize just how critical my financial situation is. I'm afraid I will have to tell her that I just can't afford to be her bridesmaid, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?

Broke Bridesmaid

Dear Broke Bridesmaid,

I gotta admit, even though I'm also a hobo (the first step is admitting it to yourself, BB -- say it with me: I'm a hobo...), I can't really relate to your "problem." Mainly because I don't have overindulgent, asshole friends who would demand that I throw hundreds or even thousands of dollars of my own money toward a generic taffeta dress and a room at the Ramada in Toad Suck, Arkansas. Nope, I'm lucky. See, my friends simply wouldn't invite me to their wedding! So, clearly, what you need to do here is get rid of all your friends and voila! Problem solved! But don't worry, you can still be my friend! We'll do fun things like light fires in garbage cans and fashion bindles out of plungers and tablecloths! Hooray! (I'll just be waiting here for you to email me as soon as you read this. TTYL, BB! You're in my club now!)