get arcimboldozed!

To my dismay, I still can't get the horrible time I had at the anachronistic shambles that was the Maryland Renaissance Festival out of my mind. Really, it was the human version of a hoarder's garage sale there. Pirates, gimps, silk leisure-suited creepers, lingerie-clad not-Victoria's Secret models, vikings, furries, devils, and the list goes on. The only thing missing was something actually from the Renaissance...whoops.

It's as if the organizers and attendants had no idea when the Renaissance occurred, what it was, or why. The Renaissance was a rebirth, a time of great human curiosity. It was an epoch when people got their heads out of the pope's ass (I don't think I mean that literally), and started drawing it instead.

Oops... I did mean that literally!

Alas, what I'm getting at is that the Renaissance was the tits (also literally), at least where art was concerned. Enter Giuseppe Arcimboldo, a Milanese painter who later worked for the Habsburg Empire. Not only was his sh*t anatomically tight, but so was his imagination. Ages ahead of his time (maybe he's even still ahead), Arcimboldo combined tromp l'oeil, surrealism, still life and portraiture to make some of the most fascinating paintings that I think ever existed.


The fauna is entirely flora! Really, to dissect every fruit, vegetable and plant that went into creating this portrait Rudolf II, otherwise known as Vertumnus, would take hours, or a least some dozens of minutes because the detail is amazing, the proportions are impeccable and the idea? Well, I think Arcimboldo puts some of his contemporaries to shame with his genius. Seriously, given the choice to stare at the Mona Lisa or one of Arcimboldo's works, I'd easily opt for the latter. Sorry, Ms. Lisa, but your self-satisfied smirk just doesn't do it for me.

However, what does it for me even less is the fact that most of us have never even heard of Arcimboldo. Why? Because people are generally stupid. Although society was smart enough to recognize his talent while he was alive in the 16th century, after his death in 1593 he blipped off the proverbial radar. Idiots... And it wasn't until the early 1900s when more modern surrealists like Salvador Dali started to find value again in Arcimboldo's work. Today, the National Gallery's East Wing is doing the job of making people less blind to genius via a pretty solid exhibit of Arcimboldo's work. The New York Times wrote a pretty good review of it. And as for me? Put simply, this is the real Renaissance Festival. No pirates, no gimps, no teenage anime characters looking to pick up vampires or werewolves. Just pure, fun, interesting, relevant art.

space, freedom and a Ray-J off

Sorry I'm posting so late today. I had something ready to go about theoretical physics, but then Al and Tipper announced their separation and the single tears began to flow so hard from my and my bevy of helper animals' eyes that our technology melted down. No, really. We were using a computer made entirely out of cotton candy.

But just because no one will ever know how I solved the unsolvable problem of chronology projection conjecture, doesn't mean we can't still at least scratch the time-warped surface of multi-dimensional space. In short, I love NASA. It is probably the only federally funded organization that I can get behind without feeling the urge to stick a Post-it note on it that says "KICK ME."

In fact, just thinking about the accomplishments of the American space program makes me fall in love with freedom all over again. *sigh* And so it was a no-brainer (the only kind of decision I'm capable of making) to go see Hubble 3D at the IMAX at the Air & Space Museum this weekend, despite the fact that it's narrated by Leonardo "I peaked playing Arnie Grape" DiCaprio...

First of all, I learned that all astonauts have sweet nicknames. There's Scott "Scooter" Altman, Gregory "Ray-J" Johnson, Michael "Bueno" Good, Michael "Mass" Massimino, Andrew "Drew" Feustal...wait, that's not that cool...John Grunsfeld...uh...and Katherine McArthur. OK, so some astronauts have sweet nicknames. For the record, if I ever take to space, I will go by the call name of "Frijole."

Secondly, it's about this:



But shown on a screen that's six stories high and in 3D!

Oh man. I'm lucky it's really hot today because all I'm cloaked in is a tattered Old Glory. Seriously, just thinking about Hubble 3D is more than enough to make me forget about Al and Tipper. Then again, so does thinking about a McDonald's cheeseburger. Yes, unless it has to do with former Minnesota senator Norm Coleman and his beautiful DaVinci veneers, I officially don't care about the downfall of political marriages.

Going back to nicknames, I think the biggest news in this post was learning that a VH1 reality "star" and an astronaut have the same one.


Which means it's time for a Ray-J off, where our Ray-Js will compete in three categories to see who is the superior Ray-J.

Category 1 -- Facial Expression

I think we gotta give a point to Astronaut Ray-J and those Coleman-esque choppers. *purrrrr* VH1 Ray-J just looks like he doesn't like the way I'm looking at him. Point to Astronaut Ray-J.

Category 2 -- Accessories

This is a tough one. On our left, we see astronaut Ray-J decked out like an intergalactic boyscout. However, on the right, VH1 Ray-J is sporting at least threes sets of lady hands. Hmm. Lady hands are pretty unique. Point to VH1 Ray-J.

Category 3 -- Background

Finally, we reach the tie-breaker round, and sadly for reality TV stars everywhere, it doesn't look good for VH1 Ray-J. While the several sets of lady hands made him the big winner in the accessories round, the actual ladies do little to get him ahead of his competition now, especially when that competition is perched in front of my outfit du jour. Freedom always wins. Point to Astronaut Ray-J.

And with a score of 2-1, it's safe to call Astronaut Ray-J the winner of this Ray-J off. My work here is done.