Showing posts with label here's to not getting capped. Show all posts
Showing posts with label here's to not getting capped. Show all posts

Friday, November 7, 2008

dc's khakis in bunch again

One of my first impressions of DC was that many of its staunchest supporters have a giant chip on their shoulders; a monkey on their backs, if you will. Or at least a Cheney on their asses. The point is, I often find that when anyone attempts to criticize, generalize or otherwise allude to anything that might suggest DC is chock full of federally employed tools, this group gets unduly defensive.

After living here for a longish bit of time as well as meeting a handful of people that have avoided joining the ranks of the Capitol Hill stereotype, I can see why people find articles like this one, published yesterday in the New York Times (which I'm thinking probably bunches these pro-DCers' khakis even more), annoying.

To save you from reading the entire article (if you haven't already), it's a cutesy, largely throw-away political piece about how the personality of the President influences general trends and the overall feeling of Washington. Just how cutesy and throw-away? Here's the first line:

Bill Clinton brought jazz, Rhodes scholars, a slice of Arkansas and all-night pizza policy sessions. When George W. Bush arrived, Texans took over the town. Blue jeans were out; coats and ties and cowboy boots were in.

Surely, Ms. Sheryl Gay Stolberg, is aiming for satire here (although rather non-sensical, as I'm pretty sure cowboys love jeans), but you get the idea. Apparently Obama, who is "young, hip and multicultural, with a Harvard law degree, a writer’s sensibility and a smooth left-handed jump shot," will oust the Texans and bring back denim. Or whatever. The point is, sh*t just won't change politically on Capitol Hill (although that remains to be seen...), but culturally, as well. Fair enough.

So why are people, particularly over at DCist, so TO'd? For one, I suppose the article fails to send the proverbial full body shot of what DC really looks like. Clearly, with 93 percent of DC's electorate voting in favor of Obama while Bush is in the White House, no less, suggests that the city has not, in fact, been overrun by Texans in cowboy boots and 10-gallon hats. If that were so, wouldn't it seem more likely that McCain would have won 93 percent of the electorate? I ♥ my logic.

But for anyone with a slightly deeper knowledge of DC, we realize most of the city is far removed from what goes down in the White House. Rather than worrying about this policy or that appropriation, we worry about walking home late at night and not getting shot in the face. Or, perhaps more telling, heading to Sunday brunch and not getting capped. Then again, I guess it's not out of the realm of possibility that Cheney is the one wielding the gun...

But who's targeting whom is not the point. The point is, the New York Times article spoke to the image of DC as the Capital of the Free World, not to DC as the city with the highest per capita crime rate. Or to DC, a town that, despite the overwhelming clusterf*ck of government activity, still has a pretty respectable scene if you do some digging. After all, Dan Deacon's playing the Hirshhorn tonight and I'm sure Bush has never even heard of him. And who knows, maybe he'll wear jeans! CRAZY!

Now maybe it's just me, but I don't have a problem with articles, like Ms. Stolberg's, that purport the DC stereotype that everything revolves around politics here, including the city's very identity. Why? Because it's largely true. If your job doesn't involve the government in some way, shape or form, then you, my e-friend (and really, if your job doesn't involve the government, I would like to be your friend), are the exception. If you don't find yourself out networking with an array of tools at least a couple of times per year, then you, again, my hopeful future friend, are the exception. Like it or not, that's life in DC -- Northwest, Northeast, Southwest and Southeast.

This town only exists because of the government. Think about it, DC was never a port city or major business center (save for government contracting). People don't travel here to check out the fabulous fashion or music scene (because it barely exists); instead, they come to see the various monuments, meet their representatives and tour the Capitol. Sure the Smithsonians are must-sees, but judging from firsthand experience of my own, whenever I came to DC as a tourist when I was a kid, it was government first, museums second. And, if I was lucky, hotel swimming pool third, which, obviously, would've been my No. 1 pick.

It's time people in DC just accept the city's fate. As long as the government sits itself on the metaphorical toilet that is Capitol Hill, this town will now and forever be thought of as just that -- a giant government-owned and operated inexhaustible goblet. One that no plumber, not even Joe (one last shout out!), can fix if it breaks. And it breaks a lot. And smells weird.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

attention all douchebaguettes!

Are you a fan of the Mystic tan? Are you a blond that still favors the "Rachel from Friends" haircut? Are you a giant female douchebag, a douchebaguette,* if you will? If you answered, "yah," "like, totally" and "you know it, bitches!" to any or all of those questions then you, my douchey e-friend, could end up on teh teevee like these fine ladiezzz! Holla!

"I think I just impregnated myself!"

These classy might-as-well-be-bebe-clad females (seriously, is that a lavender fur bolero vest on the right?) are Katherine Kennedy, Krista Johnson and Sophie Pyle (possibly pictured above in that order, possibly not, but does it honestly really matter?), the three Georgetown "DC socialites," who have signed on to do a Hills-esque reality show here in the Capital of the Free World. (Apparently, we're letting the terrorists win now...)

To give you a bit more perspective about the shambles that will compose this yet-to-be-named show (although, may I suggest calling it "So You Think You Can Douche?" -- wait, on second thought, scratch that), these three girls apparently have dubbed themselves the (and I am not joking) "Blond Charity Mafia." And, not surprisingly, they were found via DC's one and only "members only" social network for douchebags, Late Night Shots, where hungover assholes discuss who got whom pregnant and where they can "take care of it" (again, I am not joking).

Now, whether or not the majority of this show will take place in offshore abortion clinics, I have my doubts, but one thing is for sure -- this show is guaranteed to be even more irritating than the actual version of The Hills. At least The Hills has Justin Bobby! What the hell does DC have? Oh yeah. This guy:

Lil' Lord Doucheington has nothing on the Grand Duke of Doucheville, pictured above courtesy of Project Beltway.

Honestly, I have no idea how they're going to keep this show interesting. I mean, you can only film bitches barfing outside of Smith's Point so many times before that sh*t gets old. And word on the proverbial street Valtrex prescription says several popular Georgetown establishments have already refused to allow the show to film on their property, including the Gryphon Room, whatever the hell that is.

Now, before you get jealous that you're not on the show (because I know you're all dying to be portrayed as vapid, spoiled attention whores), let me give you a reason to live: They're apparently still casting two or three more douchebaguettes! Tip top!

Unfortunately, save for impregnating yourself in Georgetown and writing about it the next day on LNS, I'm not sure what the best route is for you to get on the show. I know it seems to help, though, if you have really rich parents, are from the South and are completely delusional. What do I mean by delusional? I mean this:
"It's all going to be about our real lives," said Johnson, who is a partner at the Georgetown boutique We One You Two. "It's going to be in the same vein of MTV's The Hills but ours is going to be more realistic."
More realistic? Really?! So there will be scenes filmed at offshore abortion clinics! (SCORE! Another abortion joke in this post and it's not even noon! Shouldn't I get a medal or something?)

But alas, as much as I love mocking this uniquely DC type of douchebag(uette), I must admit I really am a bit jealous, as I know for a fact that a reality show based on my life would not only entertain the nation, but I'm pretty sure it would save our economy, end the war in Iraq and allow for the second coming of Jesus. However, it will not save me from getting capped (handgun ban officially lifted today!) by some douche in madras if I dare show my face in Georgetown ever again after implying that everyone there is a badly dressed whore. Whoops! Well, at least I'm right about one thing. (I'll let you guess.) Hey, if you can't laugh at rich people, you can't laugh at anything.

Anyway, here's to not getting [late night] shot! And yes, production company, if you want to cast me as the much-need reality show arch-nemesis, I will do it! Clearly, I too am an attention whore, who is extremely easy to typecast. Come on, the cynical, antisocial, blogger, who thinks she's smarter than everyone else, often to her own detriment? It's so easy... E-mail me! ♥

*A special thanks to BAD for coming up with "douchebaguette." You are truly a brilliant man.