Thursday, March 15, 2012

the anti dc's common sense solution

In case there's anyone who still has this here Web log on his or her Google readers, lucky you! Or lazy you. I haven't blogged here for MONTHS! But alas, your idleness when it comes to clearing out your e-house is about to pay off because I'm back! Well, at least for today. See, I absolutely cannot resist commenting on this Piratz Tavern controversy. Oh, you haven't heard? Because you have better things to do than worry about a bar that uses gratuitous z's in its name? Touché. But whatever, I will not let disinterest (either yours or my own) dissuade me from commentating on all this dramz (see what I did there?). Catch yourself up on the whole story here, or if you're short on time, allow my helper horse Sven explain it in the only way he knows how:

"NEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIGGG-GGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

And while that pretty much sums it up, here's the short list of facts in grammatically correct human English:

  • Piratz Tavern was a dirty sh*thole bar in Silver Spring with a ridiculous theme that was so bad it was good, as long as you didn't care about possibly picking up food poisoning or hepatitis or scurvy...
  • It made no money because, well, see above. 
  • A reality television program came in to revamp the bar, a la Kitchen Nightmares does with restaurants.
  • The TV show turned the bar into an Office Space-themed "corporate bar," hoping its "witty" theme would attract the surrounding white-collar crowd.
  • It didn't, so Piratz Tavern Corporate Bar turned into a slightly cleaner, more expensive sh*thole with a ridiculous theme that was just bad enough to remain bad.  
  • Finally, the owners were all like, "ARR!" and so they're now returning to Square 1. Or maybe Plank 1. Whatever.
So, yes, as you can see, Sven's nonsensical proclamation of "NEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" sums up this story pretty damn nicely because, as that story arc demonstrates, you can't polish a turd with an even stinkier turd. 

But you know what would've worked? Getting rid of all the turds and making a bar where the theme is simply reasonably priced, extremely tasty food and drink in an atmosphere that doesn't make you feel awkward if you're not dressed like an asshole or actually are an asshole (see Milton Waddams)...

Oh sh*t. I'm sorry. How closed minded of me. Obviously, people who dress like assholes and those who are actual assholes (I should know...) need places to drink too. In fact, maybe they need bars more than most of us do. And so, I say, go forth, Piratz Tavern, with your new corporate pirate bar theme. 


As you can see, I'm sure that'll work out swimmingly for everyone. 

4 comments:

Patty Duke said...

Hi
This is the first time I've read your you blog in months. I'm commenting at the risk of talking to myself. But here is my thought on going to a coporate bar. If I want to drink in an office, I'll just drink in my own office for free.Duh

Marissa said...

Patty! I miss you comments.

Patty Duke said...

I miss reading your blog and commenting, but life gets in the way.

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