You know how people around here love to talk about surveys and things that say things like we're the smartest city in America? Well, that's some bullsh*t. Maybe it's true that we hold more degrees per capita than the rest of the country, but I certainly don't think that makes us smarter. For one, look at me. I'm a huge moron. The only way I'm even able to go about my day-to-day business is with, like, six helper animals. One does the reading, one writes, one handles the finances (which means finding change in the couch), one answers the phone, and two play Settlers of Catan with me. In fact, right now, as one of them writes this, I'm actually asleep in a hyperbaric chamber resting the few functional bits of my mind that are smart enough to know I'm more successful when I outsource my work to a menagerie of farm animals.
But still, I'm not the dumbest. The dumbest person in DC, I'm pretty sure was in front of me in line at the Subway vittles establishment in Dupont Circle attempting to eat fresh on Wednesday. (I was there in a rare public outing being towed in a child's red wagon by my helper horse Sven.) Here's what went down:
Idiot: "Can I get a 24-inch meatball marinara on wheat please?"
Sandwich Artist: "What?"
Idiot: "A 24-inch meatball."
Sandwich Artist: "We don't have 24 inches."
Idiot: "What's that one?"
Sandwich Artist: "Twelve."
Idiot: "I thought it was six."
Sandwich Artist: "It's 12."
Idiot: "So you don't have 24 inch subs?"
Sandwich: "You can get two 12 inches."
Idiot: "What do you mean?"
And no, this wasn't a kid playing a joke, a foreigner getting weened off the metric system, or a drunk and confused hobo. This was a mid-twenties, probable college graduate in a suit. Thank God my helper horse Sven (incidentally, besides wagon-tower, he's also the one in charge of the finances) was able to use a series of neighs and hoof stomps to explain to this fool that 12 + 12 = 24. Hell, even I knew that...
So yeah. We're definitely not the smartest...
No, the smartest, I think, are in Philadelphia. Or at least the smartest vampires.
Eeek! How suspenseful! Don't tell me I was the only one waiting in fear that this would happen. Now time for the weather. Tiffany!