every douche can be undone

Not to keep harping on bad advertisements I've spotted around town, but this morning I found this one:


Now, I'm not sure about you, but I personally don't see the connection between a buxom, bosomy blonde bouncing on a breadmill (just let me have my alliteration!) and home refinancing. Do you? Maybe I'm missing something.

Or maybe I'm just not the target audience. See, I saw this seemingly ineffective advertisement this morning floating next to an article on TBD.com about a pick-up artist seminar taught by boys with stupid nicknames. (I'm regretfully e-looking at you, "Maven.") Taking that into account, I think this ad may actually be incredibly effective if its specific aim is at horny dudes who spend their money on stupid things. In that case, kudos to the marketers at TBD.

But on the other hand, ew. Who are these dudes? It amazes me that corny pick-up artists can make a living off of charging desperate men $300 a pop to learn how to now be both desperate and creepy. This is truly a disservice to society, and to women in particular. And while I could probably now charge $300 for the counter-advise I'm about to dole out, after reading about the "technique" offered up by some weirdo named "Speer," I feel like it's my civic duty to do the world a favor and correct the errors of their ways for free. So, let's remove those rape-goggles, shall we? (And judging from the typical fashion sense of one of these PUAs, I'm sure I mean that literally.)

1) NEVER try to pick-up a woman while she's shopping for underwear. There is no way for that NOT to come off as creepy. Especially if she's 16.

2) NEVER be that old guy in the college bar. You're already weird for being 49 and thinking you can date 22-year-olds.

3) NEVER try to guess a woman's bra size. Do I really need to explain this one?

4) NEVER stick your tongue through your fingers pretending it's a vagina when introducing yourself. For an example, see Vince (if you dare).

5) NEVER...mind...

This isn't even worth it. If you're dumb enough to think any of the above is seductive, let alone acceptable behavior, you probably have Asperger's or, worse, you really are a rapist. Honestly, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System is probably more effective than what these a-holes are teaching...

But I guess it's one thing to follow these rules if you're just trying to have one-time short sex with the kind of woman who likes one-time short sex. It's another, however, to boast that these PUA rules can actually help these poor dudes get girlfriends. I mean, really, think about your friends who are in successful and meaningful relationships. Is there ever a guy named "Cuisine"? Does he wear a sparkly silk scarf and obnoxious chunky jewelry? Does he have a bikini wax on his face? Does he get weird in a bad way on a regular basis? Is he listed or does he seem like he'd be listed on a sex offenders database? Or are your male friends with cool girlfriends all well-adjusted, funny, socially capable guys, with compatible interests to their significant others? More importantly, have these guys displayed genuine sincerity in their actions? I would venture to guess yes.

One of the most disturbing things about the sausagefest of the pick-up scene is the idea that dudes need to put on some sort of act to impress women. Look Read, women are not idiots. We're not stupid and unless you're Ed Norton, James Franco or someone else with a penchant for method acting, we will not believe you. That is, when you roll up to a group of girls at, say, Lucky Bar and randomly ask them, as it was suggested, "Why is this place called Lucky Bar?" we will ALWAYS recognize that as a stupid come-on because it's not sincere. Worse yet, you're probably interrupting a decent conversation. Worst yet, you're at Lucky Bar...

But don't let your poor choice of bars deter you. You're in DC, after all, you must make do. However, allow me to ask, what the f*ck ever happened to lingering eye contact? You know, you're at one side of the bar, that potential special someone is at the other. You're both giving each other googley eyes. Done deal! And if one party isn't interested, all she needs to do is look away. It's so simple! Why is it commonplace these days for weirdos to think it's necessary to approach an entire group of women and engage in so much unsolicited awkwardness?

Or what happened to asking a woman to dance? Asking to buy her a drink?

And if you're not in a bar (and definitely not in a women's lingerie shop), there's a possibility to be just as straightforward. What happened to striking up a conversation about something apropos to the situation? Something you notice you both have a common interest in. You notice a woman reading the same book as you on the Metro. Strike up a conversation about that! (If you're on the red line, chances are you're gonna be sitting there for the next two days anyway!) Hey, there's a girl ordering banana peppers on her sandwich! You love banana peppers, too! Seriously, "come here often?" is a better way to go about things than "clever," bullsh*t "openers."

And I could go on. Unfortunately, I don't have the time. However, I could have the time for the low, low price of $300. I'll include a trip to the mall and the barber's for a makeunder and un-teach you all the ways tools have taught you to be a tool over the years. Don't you worry, the motto here at The Anti DC is every douche can be undone. You can too. Just believe.