dc is tasty. sorta.

I'm so nonplussed by the District today. So nonplussed, in fact, that I'm off to South Africa, well, technically anyway. Yes, possibly as you read this, I am imbibing morning brews (of the beer variety, not the coffee -- duh) at the South African embassy in honor of the World Cup, which I hear is some sort of foot game match. But just because I'm not technically blogging today (I am writing wrote this between So You Think You Can Dance segments tonight last night -- GO ADÉCHIKÉ!), doesn't mean I can't dole out my unfair share of obligatory f*ck yous to our fair city. And of course, I pronounced the word "city" using the unnecessary fricative popularized in old-timey noir films.

And speaking of sh*tty (shee?), that brings me to today's subject -- Ben's Chili Bowl cupcakes.

Now, before you barf (or is it too late?), let me explain. There's not actually chili in the cupcakes. (Phew! Close one!) Instead, Dupont Circle's Hello Cupcake, which is f*cking delicious, by the way, held a decorate-a-DC-themed-cupcake contest last week, and three of the 23 entries were odes to Ben's Chili Bowl.

So what, you ask? Well, if you're a regular reader/peruser/creeper on this blog, you probably know that I'm not a fan of B's.C.B. In fact, as a bean connoisseur and, ergo, a chili aficionado, I can officially say I'd rather crack a can of Hormel turkey chili than eat the watery slop at Ben's...unless I'm drunk, in which case, I'd probably mistake gasoline for tabasco and say that tasted good, too.

But sadly, I'm mostly sober (surprise!), so Ben's usually just grosses me out. And no, although I'm fairly ignorant in general (blame my choosing to watch So You Think You Can Dance over reading a word book), I'm not ignorant to the fact that B's.C.B. has been anointed a DC landmark more for its history than for the consumables it serves. And, of course, I'll give it that. Regardless of the Alpo they sell, it's pretty impressive that any place could survive the riots of the 1960s.

BUT STILL! According to all the photos taken by Metrocurean, these clichéd cakes are a kind of a bore, even if some of them are pretty impressively rendered.

Yawn.

Meh.

YARF! This one looks WAY too real...

But moving on (I can only talk about chili cupcakes for so long until I start to get really depressed), for some reason, there were also two inspired by Chinatown, or as it actually exists in DC, Chinathreestorefronts. Seriously, once businesses like Urban Outfitters and Fuddruckers start making up the bulk of "Chinatown," I'm not sure the name really means anything anymore.

That's not a fortune!

I used to garnish everything with raman in college, too.

That noodle one was the winner, by the way. But whatever. Winner-schminner. At least those Chinese cupcakes don't look like a hamster ate something a little too greasy and mistook dessert for a toilet. And speaking of toilets...the requisite Larry Craig spoof!


I'd mock this one, but, quite frankly, we all mocked this three years ago. It's time for some new ideas! For instance, had I known about this contest (I was probably too busy watching episodes of So You Think You Can Dance), I would've made a cupcake that looked like a red, white and blue flaming ode to freedom with the words "Bite Me" written across the top. Ah yes, it'd incorporate that very special (you catch my drift) thing about DC we all love to hate to love -- an overexaggerated sense of self-importance! Long live it and you can be sure I'll try to do my duty to uphold that maxim over here. Did I mention I would make it taste horrible, too? Just for the irony!

My other idea is to make one that looks like a suspicious package. Those are quickly becoming DC landmarks, right?

But alas, I missed the contest bus and failed to enter this year, which sucks for me because the fan favorite on Facebook wins a KitchenAid mixer. And on that note, I'm gonna go vote for statehood via cupcake. Anything to help the cause!

Come on, Congress. We f*cking deserve it. Look what you made us do with our desserts...

world class sidler

I'm sure you can't tell this about me, but I'm a fairly talented sidler. That is, I make friends with people who have a lot more connections to cool sh*t than myself and then sidle up with them to get awesome free stuff.

And so this happened last night, and thank God, because I was getting a little more than depressed while watching the Capitals utterly fail to unleash the fury. Luckily, a sometimes-employer (uh, not for hooking) called and invited me out to sidle at Sei, where he was tasting the nectar of Japan's collective ass -- shochu. Good Lord, that sh*t was disgusting.

However, the food was not. Sashimi pizza on a scallion pancake! Kobe beef sushi! Japanese barbecue pork on sweet buns! And a whole lot of other junk that made up for me drinking Japanese (metaphorical) butt juice earlier.

Oh, and I also convinced my sidle-enabler to pay me to write about "The Room." Although, I'm not sure how that's gonna work out because I can't find a ticket to this Friday's New York City show, featuring a live appearance by writer/director/producer/actor/accidental genius Tommy Wiseau. Won't someone let me sidle?! In return, I'll buy you a moderately priced beverage and tiny meal of food at Sei's fairly decent looking happy hour:


But enough advertising other people's ventures for free. That's why I'm not going to talk about the Waffle House ex-Redskin George Fred Smoot is planning to open in DC. Although I will try to sidle.