dc is tasty. sorta.

I'm so nonplussed by the District today. So nonplussed, in fact, that I'm off to South Africa, well, technically anyway. Yes, possibly as you read this, I am imbibing morning brews (of the beer variety, not the coffee -- duh) at the South African embassy in honor of the World Cup, which I hear is some sort of foot game match. But just because I'm not technically blogging today (I am writing wrote this between So You Think You Can Dance segments tonight last night -- GO ADÉCHIKÉ!), doesn't mean I can't dole out my unfair share of obligatory f*ck yous to our fair city. And of course, I pronounced the word "city" using the unnecessary fricative popularized in old-timey noir films.

And speaking of sh*tty (shee?), that brings me to today's subject -- Ben's Chili Bowl cupcakes.

Now, before you barf (or is it too late?), let me explain. There's not actually chili in the cupcakes. (Phew! Close one!) Instead, Dupont Circle's Hello Cupcake, which is f*cking delicious, by the way, held a decorate-a-DC-themed-cupcake contest last week, and three of the 23 entries were odes to Ben's Chili Bowl.

So what, you ask? Well, if you're a regular reader/peruser/creeper on this blog, you probably know that I'm not a fan of B's.C.B. In fact, as a bean connoisseur and, ergo, a chili aficionado, I can officially say I'd rather crack a can of Hormel turkey chili than eat the watery slop at Ben's...unless I'm drunk, in which case, I'd probably mistake gasoline for tabasco and say that tasted good, too.

But sadly, I'm mostly sober (surprise!), so Ben's usually just grosses me out. And no, although I'm fairly ignorant in general (blame my choosing to watch So You Think You Can Dance over reading a word book), I'm not ignorant to the fact that B's.C.B. has been anointed a DC landmark more for its history than for the consumables it serves. And, of course, I'll give it that. Regardless of the Alpo they sell, it's pretty impressive that any place could survive the riots of the 1960s.

BUT STILL! According to all the photos taken by Metrocurean, these clichéd cakes are a kind of a bore, even if some of them are pretty impressively rendered.

Yawn.

Meh.

YARF! This one looks WAY too real...

But moving on (I can only talk about chili cupcakes for so long until I start to get really depressed), for some reason, there were also two inspired by Chinatown, or as it actually exists in DC, Chinathreestorefronts. Seriously, once businesses like Urban Outfitters and Fuddruckers start making up the bulk of "Chinatown," I'm not sure the name really means anything anymore.

That's not a fortune!

I used to garnish everything with raman in college, too.

That noodle one was the winner, by the way. But whatever. Winner-schminner. At least those Chinese cupcakes don't look like a hamster ate something a little too greasy and mistook dessert for a toilet. And speaking of toilets...the requisite Larry Craig spoof!


I'd mock this one, but, quite frankly, we all mocked this three years ago. It's time for some new ideas! For instance, had I known about this contest (I was probably too busy watching episodes of So You Think You Can Dance), I would've made a cupcake that looked like a red, white and blue flaming ode to freedom with the words "Bite Me" written across the top. Ah yes, it'd incorporate that very special (you catch my drift) thing about DC we all love to hate to love -- an overexaggerated sense of self-importance! Long live it and you can be sure I'll try to do my duty to uphold that maxim over here. Did I mention I would make it taste horrible, too? Just for the irony!

My other idea is to make one that looks like a suspicious package. Those are quickly becoming DC landmarks, right?

But alas, I missed the contest bus and failed to enter this year, which sucks for me because the fan favorite on Facebook wins a KitchenAid mixer. And on that note, I'm gonna go vote for statehood via cupcake. Anything to help the cause!

Come on, Congress. We f*cking deserve it. Look what you made us do with our desserts...