almost heaven, west virginia

This weekend was surprisingly productive for me. And not only because I didn't cry myself to sleep each night clutching a bottle of cheap rum. It was productive because I managed to get back to the shooting range and I made it out to West Virginia to play the ponies at Charles Tooooooooooooown Races'n'Slots! (Come on, you know the jingle.)

In short, I found home.

Not only was everyone incredibly nice, but I won $375! And while, I'd love to tell you I won by betting the superfecta on Stored Kisses, Bigum, Wild and Tricky, and Bald Baby, I didn't. For one, that bet would've been impossible as none of those horses were even in the same race. They did all win in the name department though. And honestly, I effing suck at picking horses who actually win as my method involves betting according to jockey weight, which is a bit difficult as they all weigh about as much as a horseshoe anyway. Instead, I won my $375 on a slot machine, which means I actually won $364.75 as it cost me about $10.25 worth of spins to finally hit the jackpot. (Math!)

True to form, I wasn't even paying attention when I won because I was too busy deciding on whether to put my money on Grazing With Nancy's jockey, M. Cornwell, who weighs 114 pounds, or Git Out Da Way's jockey, E. Ramirez, who weighs 113 pounds (I ultimately chose him and won $2.80!). But when I heard the sweet sounds of computerized bleeps and blips that just wouldn't quit, I began to realize something on my machine was clearly too legit, so I looked up and saw it. I had one red "7" on the payline accompanied by two purple "5x Winner" decals. This may sound like gibberish, and really, it also looked like gibberish, but this combination somehow meant I won 60 quarters times five, TIMES FIVE AGAIN, which equals 1,500 quarters or $375, or, as I prefer to think of it, 6,536,250 Vietnamese dong, the best named currency EVER.

Of course, my moment of glory was slightly eviscerated when the onlookers behind me noted that had I bet the maximum coinage on the spin (75 cents), I would've won $1,125. D'oh! Thanks for raining on my parade, or perhaps more apropos, sh*tting on my slots, hillbillies with mathematical abilities!

But I shant let my non-knowledge of how slot machines work cheapen my victory (at least metaphorically...) because right now, $375 is more than I make in a week...in welfare, er, unemployment.

Whoops! I better not talk too much about my newly found riches. After all, I don't want to attract a bunch of e-golddiggers, so let's regress back to playing the ponies, an activity at which I objectively sucked, not only at the actual betting, but at the photodocumenting of said betting.

Shady people making shadier bets. He gave us some tips. It didn't work out so well.

Run, G's Heavenly Union, RUN!

Or should I say Gallant Whiskey? Which would apparently be MY NAME had I been born a race horse! Thank you, boundless and useless Internet for providing me a Horse Name Generator! It's almost as good as the Wu-Name Generator, which reminds me, please call me Flailing Fanatical Killer from now on. Thanks.

Speaking of killers -- killer road trips, that is -- I'll be taking leave for the rest of the week as I have some things I need to take care of (read: scavenging for beans) that don't involve me logging onto the Internet for five whole days! AHH! Instead, you can bet that during any freetime I may have in between bean hunts, I'll be studying the Daily Racing Forum, or as I like to call it -- the instruction manual to one of my new careers. The other, of course, is greeting cards.