Thursday, February 3, 2011

every douche can be undone

Not to keep harping on bad advertisements I've spotted around town, but this morning I found this one:

Now, I'm not sure about you, but I personally don't see the connection between a buxom, bosomy blonde bouncing on a breadmill (just let me have my alliteration!) and home refinancing. Do you? Maybe I'm missing something.

Or maybe I'm just not the target audience. See, I saw this seemingly ineffective advertisement this morning floating next to an article on about a pick-up artist seminar taught by boys with stupid nicknames. (I'm regretfully e-looking at you, "Maven.") Taking that into account, I think this ad may actually be incredibly effective if its specific aim is at horny dudes who spend their money on stupid things. In that case, kudos to the marketers at TBD.

But on the other hand, ew. Who are these dudes? It amazes me that corny pick-up artists can make a living off of charging desperate men $300 a pop to learn how to now be both desperate and creepy. This is truly a disservice to society, and to women in particular. And while I could probably now charge $300 for the counter-advise I'm about to dole out, after reading about the "technique" offered up by some weirdo named "Speer," I feel like it's my civic duty to do the world a favor and correct the errors of their ways for free. So, let's remove those rape-goggles, shall we? (And judging from the typical fashion sense of one of these PUAs, I'm sure I mean that literally.)

1) NEVER try to pick-up a woman while she's shopping for underwear. There is no way for that NOT to come off as creepy. Especially if she's 16.

2) NEVER be that old guy in the college bar. You're already weird for being 49 and thinking you can date 22-year-olds.

3) NEVER try to guess a woman's bra size. Do I really need to explain this one?

4) NEVER stick your tongue through your fingers pretending it's a vagina when introducing yourself. For an example, see Vince (if you dare).

5) NEVER...mind...

This isn't even worth it. If you're dumb enough to think any of the above is seductive, let alone acceptable behavior, you probably have Asperger's or, worse, you really are a rapist. Honestly, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System is probably more effective than what these a-holes are teaching...

But I guess it's one thing to follow these rules if you're just trying to have one-time short sex with the kind of woman who likes one-time short sex. It's another, however, to boast that these PUA rules can actually help these poor dudes get girlfriends. I mean, really, think about your friends who are in successful and meaningful relationships. Is there ever a guy named "Cuisine"? Does he wear a sparkly silk scarf and obnoxious chunky jewelry? Does he have a bikini wax on his face? Does he get weird in a bad way on a regular basis? Is he listed or does he seem like he'd be listed on a sex offenders database? Or are your male friends with cool girlfriends all well-adjusted, funny, socially capable guys, with compatible interests to their significant others? More importantly, have these guys displayed genuine sincerity in their actions? I would venture to guess yes.

One of the most disturbing things about the sausagefest of the pick-up scene is the idea that dudes need to put on some sort of act to impress women. Look Read, women are not idiots. We're not stupid and unless you're Ed Norton, James Franco or someone else with a penchant for method acting, we will not believe you. That is, when you roll up to a group of girls at, say, Lucky Bar and randomly ask them, as it was suggested, "Why is this place called Lucky Bar?" we will ALWAYS recognize that as a stupid come-on because it's not sincere. Worse yet, you're probably interrupting a decent conversation. Worst yet, you're at Lucky Bar...

But don't let your poor choice of bars deter you. You're in DC, after all, you must make do. However, allow me to ask, what the f*ck ever happened to lingering eye contact? You know, you're at one side of the bar, that potential special someone is at the other. You're both giving each other googley eyes. Done deal! And if one party isn't interested, all she needs to do is look away. It's so simple! Why is it commonplace these days for weirdos to think it's necessary to approach an entire group of women and engage in so much unsolicited awkwardness?

Or what happened to asking a woman to dance? Asking to buy her a drink?

And if you're not in a bar (and definitely not in a women's lingerie shop), there's a possibility to be just as straightforward. What happened to striking up a conversation about something apropos to the situation? Something you notice you both have a common interest in. You notice a woman reading the same book as you on the Metro. Strike up a conversation about that! (If you're on the red line, chances are you're gonna be sitting there for the next two days anyway!) Hey, there's a girl ordering banana peppers on her sandwich! You love banana peppers, too! Seriously, "come here often?" is a better way to go about things than "clever," bullsh*t "openers."

And I could go on. Unfortunately, I don't have the time. However, I could have the time for the low, low price of $300. I'll include a trip to the mall and the barber's for a makeunder and un-teach you all the ways tools have taught you to be a tool over the years. Don't you worry, the motto here at The Anti DC is every douche can be undone. You can too. Just believe.


Debbi said...

In DC, you may have your work cut out for you.

Think of it as job security.

Malnurtured Snay said...

I don't know what's creepier, Vince's "vagina" intro, or that no-food-tax-on-soda commercial.

Matt said...
Well, it's not like it is a brand-new phenom... guys have been acting rapey-sick for decades (I nearly typed decadent... for the record, there's Nothing wrong with Decadence!)
I just linked to that sonic creepyness, to bolster my statement: Creeps have always been creepy.
Oh, and ew.

Boomhauer said...

While I agree paying $300 for a pickup seminar is dopey, you have to realize that most normal guys are about six months of celibacy away from a Falling Down moment, less so if they're striking out badly every weekend while watching one of these guys taking some barely legal skank home.

Now I'm sure you're saying, "Boomhauer, why don't you be yourself and try to talk to a nice girl on the metro or at the coffee shop?" or "How about buy her a drink?" Well, I've tried that and all the nice girls seem to be stuck in the electronic hamster balls that are iPods, cell phones, and MacBooks. Striking up a conversation is tough enough, but keeping it going is even tougher once you get that face full of pepper spray and she starts blowing the rape whistle. Even if I manage to catch her by surprise, she's usually not impressed by my eyepatch or that the only book I carry around in my napsack is by Vladimir Nabokov and I'm sure you can guess which one.

Anonymous said...

Is that douche Roissy still blogging? He and his commenter followers provide evidence that you CAN pick up girls with a lame, aggressive, creepy schtick. That's girls on the lowest end of the self esteem spectrum, mind you, but guys like that aren't too troubled by that.

Pablo said...

You know that like 85% of marketers cater to horny dudes, right? So, anyway, what's your bra size?

Nutz said...

If you've ever had to give a speech in front of a large crowd, that anxiety you feel, that's what men feel when they see a woman they're attracted to and want to talk to her. Pickup artists, dating coaches, or whatever you want to call them, all they're doing is giving men the tools to mitigate that anxiety so they can get their foot in the door and allow the women to judge them for who they truly are and not the exterior aspects exposed to the world day in and day out. The ultimate goal is for two people to connect openly and honestly. Quite frankly if women stopped turning men down based on what they see instead of after getting to know the guy, none of this would be necessary. Remember ladies, when a guy approaches you and you reject him, well, you're just rejecting his approach because you don't actually know the man! Giving men the skills to approach in an effective manner is just so they can get their foot in the door. Only then can they can actually show you who they really are, and that's what it's all about.

Nutz said...

Oh, and Vince is a character. If you actually got to hear him speak you'd know that he actually professes being honest with women, that you can't connect if you're feeding them bullshit. His style of Game is a little more flamboyant that most would use, but you've also got to put it in context, that he lives in California and is approaching the same women that actors and rocks stars are, hence the amped up style and personality.

Chief aka Dad said...

I took notes :-)

Patty Duke said...

"You're already weird for being 49 and thinking you can date 22-year-olds."

I acually know that guy.

Marissa said...


If there's anything about DC, it's that it makes you appreciate things that are looked at as common sense elsewhere...


Vince would make a suitable spokeperson, no? Both are idiotic...


Creepers gonna creep. Very true. But I wish they wouldn't proselytize.

Marissa said...


I usually hate it when commenters use funnier references than me. But for this, you'll get a pass. Still laughing...


I have no clue. I would guess yes, considering the scene seems to be alive and hell. I mean well. Oops.


I'm aware. I watched a lot of the dreadful Superbowl ads that played on that cliche. What was your second question? I forgot because I'm a dumb female.

Marissa said...


First off, congrats on the username. It's brilliant. Secondly, women also can get anxious around men. It's true! Although we're really bad drivers and really, really bad at math and learning things besides about how to do dishes good and stuff, we do experience feelings.


I hope I just saved you $300.


If that's the case, I hope you set him straight!