shambles p.i.: the false positive edition

It can all change in a passing sentence. You wake up feeling great. But then you flip on the radio and learn Melissa Joan Heart a.k.a. Sabrina the Teenage Witch, is thirty-f*cking-five years old today. Thanks, NPR, for making me feel old as hell. And I know it will only get worse when I make it to the bathroom, and God forbid, flip on the light while I wipe the anti-aging wrinkle cream from around my eyes, which, by the way, I've been using since I was twenty-four because my passive viewing of roughly 50 kajillion air-brushed beauty ads has effectively scared me into forking over $45 dollars per half-ounce bottle twice a year to this $40 billion industry in a desperate attempt to defy physics.

Yup, welcome to the life and mind of a 31-year-old woman. (See also, "Babies, babies, babies, babies...") I found my first gray hairs last week, too. Which means I'm pretty sure I've reached the peak and it's all downhill from here. I should probably just give up. And with that in mind, this weekend I decided to wear this:

At first glance it all looks fine, if not a little boring (it is, after all, just a pair of jeans and a Hanes T-shirt, which actually, I did cut-up and re-tailor together, although you can't see this handiwork under the blue Member's Only-style jacket that I picked up in Latvia in 2002). But take a closer look:

I think maybe you see where this is going... If not, let me give you a hint -- I'M WEARING SANDALS AND SOCKS!

Yes, for all intents and purposes, it seems I've already given up. Either that, or all the toxic chemicals I've been applying near my mucus membranes for the past seven years have affected my judgment... Whatever the case, it's clear the shambles have set in. It's almost like I have fashion Alzheimer's. There'll be a popped collar here, a pair of pleated khakis there... All I ask is that if anyone ever sees me trying to wear a pair of Crocs, please first whap me hard upside the head with a rolled up Women's Wear Daily then employ the Ludovico technique using alternating images of Junderpants and Paris fashion week.

Oh wait, what's that? Sandals and socks in certain combinations are in? HA! SUCK IT, HATERS! And also, cancel that re-education procedure. I'm back in it!

Also, you know you're old when...



...This is actually the first thing that comes to mind when I hear the name Melissa Joan Hart.