at least buy us dinner first...

As it turns out, DC was robbed of the dishonor of being named one of the Top 10 worst states for women. I suspect that's because we're not a state. D'oh! Of course, of all the things to be good at, being hostile toward women is definitely not the most desirable. But still, I'm pretty pissed about this exclusion because DC women -- specifically the least wealthy and of reproductive age -- are getting the shaft from Congress, who due to our lack of statehood oversee DC law. This is extra screwy because we here in DC don't even know where that shaft's been since we don't have representation in the body that's ultimately in charge of our local code! And, really, the fact that most of the nation seems OK with this (as loosely and unscientifically, although schmientifically, evidenced by DC's exclusion from the aforementioned list) is infuriating because, unlike Mississippi's local officials (the worst state on the list, by the way) who make Mississippi's local policy, those faraway assholes are also making ours. So, when they band together and proceed to penetrate us with their God-knows-where-its-been shaft, we have no choice but to take it. It's Congressional date rape, I say, and afterwards we're left without the power to even use our own city taxes to take care of our own city's sexual health.* And you'll see I mean that literally if you click on those links

And I'm sorry that I'm using such a crass metaphor (please direct all complaints to The Anti DC's creative director, Terry the Tourette's Turtle), but I'm trying to get a point across here. We're treated like convicted felons even though we're the ones getting our rights trampled on. And what's our crime? As far as I can tell, for most of us it's simply choosing to live within a reasonable distance to our employers. Stupid.

But actually, many convicted felons have it better, as once they've served their time in certain states, they can vote again. So, yeah, someone who holds up your grandma with a gun in New Hampshire ("Live Free or Die!"), will sooner get to have a representative in the government -- and, ergo, in DC's local policy -- than the hundreds of thousands of non-grandma threatening masses here in DC who want nothing more than your grandma to be safe -- and looked after when it comes to her female parts should she live in the District.

But lest the vision of octogenarian lady parts start to formulate in your mind, turn your attention real quick to this:

O[bama]MG!

As per usual, The Daily What slays me with its ability to wrangle the most ridiculous sh*t on the Internet so I can easily find it and repost. That's right I just went Tumblr on all y'all's asses. But it was for a good cause -- to get octogenarian lady parts out of your mind. Remember? Oh sh*t.

Well, then let's try this again. Here's a lovely 15-minute cooking show featuring a recipe for pad thai.



*And just to clarify, I'm not "pro-abortion," I'm pro-choice. And while I hope people use abortion as a last resort (the first is hopefully avoiding pregnancy either via abstinence or reliable birth control), the ability to get one safely in a clinic opposed to dangerously in a back alley should always be an option in a free country, no matter what income range into which a woman falls.