Thursday, April 1, 2010

good, healthy advice

Well, it's that time of week again, where I spend so much time outside of DC that I have once again come up empty on actual material.

"But, Marissa, even when you're in DC, you still don't have actual material."


And by "buttscratcher!" I mean, I'm going to once again take the Washington Post's advice column, written by Carolyn Hax, and make it more fun to read, but far less applicable in everyday life. So, listen up!

Dear Carolyn Anti DC:

I have been dating someone for a year. We are very close and 95 percent of the time have a wonderful relationship, lots of fun, lots of cooking, lots of joint "projects" and plans, and we both get along very very well with each other's families.

I am interested in different kinds of politics than he is. He is a debater and can get really aggressive with me when discussing politics. He wants to move in and I want that, too, but I really am scared that the political arguments will strain our relationship. How do you know when someone is the one, or when the tides are just pulling you together?


Dear 202,

Dating a master debater (oldie but goodie!) can be difficult. Well, unless of course, you recognize that violence could solve all your problems. Seriously, you're boyfriend sounds like a cliché, annoying DC douche, who is convinced he knows everything there is to know about the world and, therefore, how it should be governed. You know the type: The kind that only seeks out friends in his own political party so he can master debate in front of this friends, who cheer him on until he finishes. (Ew.) In short, he needs to be punched in the face. Several times. With the brass knuckles on.

But as far as knowing if he's "the one," well, I suggest that if you are so desperate for positive reinforcement that you have to write me (via "Two-Bit" Hax, of course) for advice, then you should probably cut this douche loose and stop letting him master debate in front of you. (Huzzah!)

Hi, Carolyn Anti DC:

How long should one wait for a commitment? I've been dating "Bill" for a year and a half. Bill knows I am apprehensive about marriage because, several years ago, my ex-fiance was pushing marriage and I had reluctantly said yes.

Bill's ex cheated on him, so he is having a hard time trusting that it won't happen again (regardless of who the girl is). I don't like bringing up the M-word. I do not want to pressure him, but it's not like I'm going to be there forever without some sort of commitment.

Signed, Fish or cut bait

First of all, FoCB, that acronym blows and I advise you to think up a new one immediately. Like maybe, Fish or Crap Killer Erudite Rats, which, sure, has no logical meaning, but your acronym would be FoCKER, which is much funnier. I'll give you this one for free this time, FoCKER, but next time, I expect more from you.

And while I'm critiquing what you did (or didn't do) properly in your question for Carolyn me, why did you say you're dating "Bill." Clearly, using the quotation marks around the name means you chose a fake name to protect your boyfriend's identity. But why did you choose such a boring one? I mean, "Bill," really? That's the best you can do? I can think of, like, a million cooler names than Bill to use if your goal is to use a pseudonym: "Seymour Butts," "Harry Assinfeis," "Dick Cole," "Frazzles," or my personal favorite, "Stanky Too-Tight." Seriously, FoCKER, get with the program.

And now for the long-awaited advice. I think you should find the real Stanky Too-Tight and marry him. You're welcome.


Do you have any advice you want answered in a non-helpful way? If so, feel free to write Carolyn Hax. However, if you want some truly, good and healthy advice that will improve your life, then write The Anti DC at theantidc at gmail dot com. My helper animal trainees look forward to helping you.


Patty Duke said...

This sounds like a good idea. I work with lunatics and they all have problems. I'll be emailing you some of them. Of course I'm perfect, therefore, I have no problems.

Marissa said...

Haha. Who doesn't work with lunatics these days? Or stand behind them in line at CVS at midnight...or probably even at noon. Yikes.