Friday, July 2, 2010

it's a hax off.

Capping off an incredibly slow week over here on account of lots of people who can read skipping town for "vacation" (assholes), I've decided to take a little vacation of my own. That is, I'm going to add absolutely nothing original to the blogosphere this Friday and, instead, simply do what I've done before (here and here) and just rework Carolyn Hax's weekend advice column into something much more entertaining, albeit far less useful, for your and my reading enjoyment.

Of course, the rest of the day won't be all fun and games (well, until I hit up the Mets Nationals game tonight). Nope. I've got business to give to handle. I've got some B-roll to go shoot today for an upcoming new video feature that will blow your minds like a light breeze. Look out for that next week. But for now, look out for this:

Dear Carolyn The Anti DC:

I have been with my boyfriend for seven years. We began dating because I asked him out. I was the first to say, "I love you." I was the one, after two years, who brought up moving in together. He had no children and wanted a child, but I am the one who brought up children: My daughters were adults when my boyfriend and I had our child. In seven years, I seem to have been the only one making decisions about our future.

So I refuse to bring up marriage. I wanted it to come from him, I needed him to want it, and I waited very patiently. I find myself becoming bitter that this man obviously does not want to marry me. I know he would if it became an issue.

I do not want to break up my family. I want to be in a relationship knowing the other intends to spend the rest of his life with me. We split expenses. He has a financial cushion, I struggle paycheck to paycheck. I was a single young mother and struggled all my life. He lived with his mother for the majority of his life and has managed to invest and save.

It is not about the money, though I do feel as if we are two separate islands. I feel so very lonely. I feel like I would be happier without him, but what cost would my child pay for my happiness? My boyfriend and I rarely argue and get along quite well. Our child is happy and content. Only I seem to be miserable.


First of all, that was WAY too in-depth. You really could've just written, "He lived with his mother the majority of his life," because that's the only thing that's really relevant here -- THE DUDE LIVED WITH HIS MOTHER THE MAJORITY OF HIS LIFE! The fact that you expect him to be anything less than really f*cking weird is your fault. Leave him; get a Brownie Husband.

And because that advice was so damn obvious and boring, I'm going to take a look at last weekend's column, as well. Let's hope it's something more exciting than, "I want marry to a middle-aged child..."

Dear Carolyn The Anti DC:

If a woman's husband has been verbally and emotionally abusive toward her throughout the course of their marriage, and the wife finally becomes fed up and wants to leave, what do you see as her obligation toward him and the marriage, if he says he -- now -- wants to change his behavior?

Is she obligated to give it a shot, go for counseling, give him another chance because he says he needs her help and feedback in order to change? I don't want to give it a shot, but he has me thinking I should. I feel as if I've given him many chances over the years and he ignored me until faced with the prospect of losing me.

Not a hypothetical question

Well, your husband's clearly not a hypothetical DFL (Dick for Life), he's a real one and possibly the DFL spokesman of the decade because he's obviously still trying to manipulate you by guilting you into "helping" him change. And if The Anti DC knows anything about helping a DFL, it's that it should never be done unless you're a prostitute and your "help" is being reciprocated with cash. (Get it, girl!)

So, there's that: You can become a hooker. However, if you're not into that (although I cannot understand why you wouldn't be), you only owe this born-a-dick, grew-up-a-dick, and-shall-remain-a-dick-forever one thing -- a junk-punch telegram telling him you're leaving. It's just like a singing telegram, but instead of a song with the message, he'll receive a swift punch in the junk instead. That will be the entire message. If we learn nothing else today, remember abuse can only be solved with more abuse, as long as that abuse is amusing.

Dear Carolyn The Anti DC:

My husband is angry that I won't see a marriage counselor. I have asked him for a divorce. I have been unhappy a long time, and have been in individual therapy. I am not in love with him anymore, and the reasons I want out are not external, but those internal things that add up to a strong distaste as an intimate emotional partner. I still enjoy his friendship. I don't want hum to hold a grudge as we move forward, but I think counseling together would give him false hopes.


This is Lisa from The Room, right? Are you sure you want to talk about it? I know you don't love Johnny anymore and Mark's your "lover boy" and all, but he's also Johnny's best friend. I'm pretty sure he told you that. I don't understand you Lisa, Johnny treats you like a princess and you stab him in the back. I don't like all these stupid comments that are coming out of your pocket right now, Lisa. In fact, I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb, waiting for it to go off. And while that may be because of the scotchka or that weird, gigantic loaf of bread you passed off as food at Johnny's birthday party or maybe even "me underwears," I think more likely it's because you're TEARING ME APART, LISA! You're a chicken -- cheep cheep cheeeeep. Don't you know lahv eez blind? I fed up with this world! Oh, hi Mark! Anyway, how's your sex life?


Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Punch in the junk? Ouch.

Shannon said...

THe only way the last answer could be improved is if Marissa turned into a completely different person, named Steven, halfway through.

Patty Duke said...

She had a baby with a "middle-aged child..." Marrying him seems to be the least of her problems.

A punch in the junk seems reasonable.

Marissa said...


It really will solve a whole lot of problems.


I did!

xo, Steven


As always, good point.