Friday, April 30, 2010

i will unleash my own fury

Sorry for not getting a post up of earlier. I'm sure I've ruined all your days. And if I haven't yet (we all know I haven't), I probably will later (now, that's a definite possibility). But first, I want to ruin the day of the Washington Post's very own advice columnist, Carolyn Hax.

As regular reader(s <--- wishful thinking) know by now, I'm vying for her job by taking the questions she publishes in her column and rewriting her answers, so that they're actually useful. Wait, I mean useless. And because my answers are so useless, I probably should be going for an opinion columnist position, however, I'm afraid @buttscratcher69 has already got dibs on that.

Anyway, back to Ms. Hax and her half-assed, yet regretfully useful advice. Today, she did a live advice column, during which desperate fools get to ask questions in real-time regarding their proverbial skeletons in their closet. Or, in the case of Washington, DC, the proverbial horrible outfits in their closet. Wait. That's all too real. If you don't believe me check out Carolyn's introduction: "I was wearing a Caps shirt, since I'm on to next year in spirit, but it got drooly at the dog park and I had to change." TOO SOON, HAX! TOO SOON!

OK. I took five minutes to sop up the tears and I'm ready to revisit some of the more poignant questions from this afternoon's live session. Oh, indeed! Welcome to another edition of The Anti DC's Advice Column (NOT!). (Speaking of, I'm pretty sure I need advice about renaming this weekly-ish feature. That name is terrible. But I digress...)

Minneapolis, MN: I hope you can find time to answer this. My fiance's father and stepmother (SM) are coming to visit us in a few weeks. The SM likes to drink a few beers every night and then becomes a little nasty to her husband and my fiance. My fiance and I drink rarely and don't keep beer in the house, so my question is whether we need to have beer ready for the SM or if we can politely ask her to not drink while she stays with us. Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.

I hope you can find time to answer this: What is your problem? Your SM sounds awesome! That said, Minneapolis, MN, I think you need to shut the f*ck up and let a bitch have her nightly brews. Nothing's worse than being a little nasty after some drinks than being a lot nasty because you can't get your drinks. Case in point, clearly, I haven't had my drinks yet today. Dick.

Undisclosed location.: Ugh. Cheated on my wife for the first time last week.


Wait. How is that a question? Jesus. This live session sucks more than the regular column. And so does this blog post! Funny how things always come full circle around here, even if that circle is as long as a tapeworm and shaped like a giant middle finger.


Yep. I feel good about this one. And I feel good about it being Friday. Enjoy the weekend. :)


Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

I thought the "Everyone chill the f*** out, I got this." thing was for Obama back in 2008.

Or was that a parody of this?

(Well, he did have it, in the end. By chilling the f*** out when McCain ran around like a chicken with its head cut off, in the financial crisis.)

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