questions you never wanted me to answer

Blogging has never been hard for me until now. Maybe it's because I just ate the helper animal I've been relying on lately. But can you blame me? Llama meat is delicious! (R.I.P. Eugene the Helper Llama).

And so I'm going at it alone over here at The Anti DC Headquarters, until I can lure one of my previous two helper animals (Sven, my helper horse, or Vladimir, my helper tortoise) back by bribing them with a delicious meal of, um, llama meat and a fresh bottle of Hendrick's (only the best!). But I promise I won't dine on you guys!

Ahem. Anyways, as I was saying, I'm having a bit of a rough time getting back into the daily swing of things over here after being in retirement so dang long. I don't know how Jay-Z has done this so many times...and clearly this blog is comparable to his music career.

Luckily, however, I've got the e-Washington Post nearby and I have no qualms about bogarting an old gimmick made famous by Gawker, which means I'm going to introduce a new feature! I'm going to take Carolyn Hax's advice column questions and write totally ludicrous responses!

So, while I sit and wonder why creatures without opposable thumbs aren't texting me back, I invite you to read the first edition of The Anti DC's Advice Column (NOT!) <--- Do you see? That's the cleverest title I could think of without the help of an animal who doesn't possess the ability to speak or understand human language. And with that in mind, let's get to the advice.

Dear Carolyn Anti DC:

I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 1/2 years now, and we've been living together most of that time. He moved across the country to be with me, and a year ago I returned the favor. I realized I had been taking some frustrations out on him lately, so I wrote him a letter apologizing and telling him I'd be more supportive.

This led to a conversation that surprised me: He feels like at our age (25) he should know if he wants to marry me, and he's still not sure. Also he wants to live independently, which he feels he hasn't done yet because we've been sharing responsibilities.

He's not ready to break up, but he's pessimistic about our long-term chances. But he loves me and wants to give it a chance because I'm willing to work on things. We are thinking about having him move out but continuing to date. Is this a good idea, or am I kidding myself that this relationship has a chance?>

S.

Dear "S.,"

First of all, I understand why you only used an initial. That sh*tty situation you described above is totally embarrassing. I mean, one of the first things you said you did was "return a favor" by moving across the country to be with your boyfriend. First of all, the idea of reciprocating something nice that someone does for you is already absurd in my book on my blog. Hell, that's almost as absurd as doing a good deed in the first place!

"Hi Marissa, can I help you carry your groceries?"

"Oh really, you want to 'help'?" I'd ask. "SO YOU CAN STEAL MY BEANS?!"

"YES!" this would-be assailant would say. "YOU SAW THROUGH MY ACT! I WAS GOING TO STEAL YOUR BEANS!"

"AHA! I KNEW IT!" I'd say. "NOW, SCRAM, YOU DIRTY RAT BASTARD, SCRAM!"

Oh, if I had a nominal amount paid to me in metal monetary units for every time I've had to ward off a bean burglar...

But where was I. Oh yes, back to "S." You're 25 and you've been with this guy for 5 1/2 years? If my calculations are correct, that means you've been with him since you were 12 1/2 and, I'll tell ya, as someone older and wiser, I think that is much too young to jump into a serious relationship. I think you should dump this man (that is, um, if he hasn't dumped you first by the time I get done writing this) and go at the world by yourself for a while, because in just 5 1/2 years you'll be 103, according to the calculator in my mind, and you don't want to let life pass you by while you spend all your time worrying about some dude who's about to break up with you in slow motion. NEXT!

Dear Carolyn Anti DC:

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, and I am pleased and honored. The problem is that I have been out of work for four months and barely have enough money to pay my bills and buy food. I don't know how I will pay for the plane ticket, hotel room, dress, etc. My friend knows I have not been working but doesn't seem to realize just how critical my financial situation is. I'm afraid I will have to tell her that I just can't afford to be her bridesmaid, but I don't want to hurt her feelings. What should I do?

Broke Bridesmaid

Dear Broke Bridesmaid,

I gotta admit, even though I'm also a hobo (the first step is admitting it to yourself, BB -- say it with me: I'm a hobo...), I can't really relate to your "problem." Mainly because I don't have overindulgent, asshole friends who would demand that I throw hundreds or even thousands of dollars of my own money toward a generic taffeta dress and a room at the Ramada in Toad Suck, Arkansas. Nope, I'm lucky. See, my friends simply wouldn't invite me to their wedding! So, clearly, what you need to do here is get rid of all your friends and voila! Problem solved! But don't worry, you can still be my friend! We'll do fun things like light fires in garbage cans and fashion bindles out of plungers and tablecloths! Hooray! (I'll just be waiting here for you to email me as soon as you read this. TTYL, BB! You're in my club now!)