.......................................*and fart noises* .................
Fine. I'll ask myself: "Hey Marissa, what'd you do yesterday?"
"Oh, why thank you for asking, Marissa. You look good, by the way."
"No problem. You always look good. But to answer your question, I was standing in line yesterday."
"Why? This is the USA, which stands for the United States of America, not Usually Standing Aroundinline!"
"Lolz! That 'joke' wasn't forced or corny at all! Gosh, first you're lookin' good and then you're clever? Marissa, you're the Apis Mellifera's patellas!" [Google it.]
"Thanks, Marissa. And you're not so bad yourself and your jorts? They're FAAAABULOUS!"
"Hey, I learn from the best! But as I was saying, I was standing around in line."
"Boo! That is totally buns."
"Totally. It's like the opposite of freshly dipped. But yeah, I'm going to be volunteering with underprivileged foster children and I have to go through all these police checks and stuff to verify that I'm not some sort of creepy molester. Or some sort of uncreepy molester. Or, I guess, any type of molester at all."
"Well, that makes sense. And might I add, wow, Marissa! You really have surpassed my expectations with this good Samaritan stuff. You're like Mother Theresa, but not really because, well, you know...*wink.* But getting back to the matter at hand, why, pray tell, were you in line all day just to prove you are neither a creepy, uncreepy nor any other type of molester? That should be obvious as you don't sport a pedophile beard or wear rapist glasses!"
"You mean I don't sport a pedophile beard or wear rapist glasses anymore. *sigh* Those were the days...But regardless of my non-rapey spectacles and hairless visage, that's just how the system works, so I had to wait in line. The funny thing is, I was the ONLY one in the line! Check it out!" *whips out a cellular phone to show a photo*
"Well, I'll be damned, Marissa, and correct me if I'm wrong, but that office looks completely empty!"
"Once again, Marissa, you're 100 percent, undeniably right -- just like you always are. But let me try to explain: The second office, where I needed to take the receipt I got from the window on the third floor that the man in the room across the hall told me to get then bring here then bring back up to the window so that I can fill out the form that the original man from across the hall had the entire time, was abandoned!"
"What?! I'm having a hard time keeping up with all that!"
"I know! That's because you're not a Communist."
"Of course not! I can't even look at the color red without dry-heaving! *pets bald eagle* Ahem, but moving on: Tell me, then what happened? You're such a good storyteller!"
"I waited for 20 minutes."
"Well, that's not that bad of a wait...and, by the way, did you not hear me? I just said you were a good storyteller, so, like pony up, bitch. That story sucked."
"Marissa, stop being a dick. If you were there then you'd know that 20 minutes is bad, especially when you add that to the other 40 minutes I waited at the other rooms and windows, despite that NO ONE ELSE WAS THERE. All the rooms and windows were just inexplicably empty in the middle of a workday! Plus the fact that apparently the DC authorities that be, (smokin' crack) randomly moved the fingerprinting office for the foster kid program to some other building that meanwhile had closed for the day, meaning I'll have to wait in these same lines again in the future! And to think, all's I want to do is change an underprivileged kid's life...!"
"Oh, Marissa. You are such a good person, you know, when you're not being a dick and stuff..."
"Nothing. I was saying it's too bad DC can't get their sh*t together so you can put your good-personess into action."
"I know. It's as if the city of DC hates children."
"Indeed. That's exactly what it is. But thank DC's slew of unsolved crimes for you, though. You're the best. Trying to turn this city around. I like your gumption, kid."
"Aww, shucks. But you wanna know what I think, Marissa? I think, you're the best. You're so understanding and reliable. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Let's embrace, Marissa."
"Agreed. Let's celebrate the Siamese twinness that could've been."
*the two Marissas embrace tenderly then turn to the crowd, which as alluded to earlier is made up entirely of crickets with flatulence problems*
"Hey remember when I told you all that story that began and ended with, 'A cab ain't nothin' but a ho on wheels'?"
"Wait. I thought I wrote that post..."
"Shut up, Marissa. I'm trying to make a point here."
"I like wheels."
"That's not the point. Just let me address the e-masses!"
"Fine. Whatever. But I'll have you know that the invention of the wheel was a wonderful achievement of humankind."
"OK. We got it. Just shut the f*ck up for a second; I'm talking to people who aren't
"I still like wheels."
"GOTTDAMN, Marissa. It's amazing I haven't gone absolutely bat-sh*t crazy yet because of
"Uh, you sure about that, home-fry?"
"No! OF COURSE I'M NOT SURE ABOUT THAT! But have a good weekend, everybody! And stay safe in your taxi cabs!"