Monday, March 8, 2010

yeah, i'm back. f*ck you, too.

Hey, you know why I hate DC? Because everyone who lives here is an asshole. That's right. You're all a bunch of dicks. (Well, except for you.)

And I have concrete proof: I didn't get an old-timey ticker tape parade when I got back. Nope. Instead, all I got were a few emails and comments telling me I've somehow failed them by gracing this city with my exceptionally dressed presence again. But one comment really gave me a heater, probably because it was the most blunt. It's from someone who calls himself (or herself, who knows?) "i formerly loved you."
You're back in DC?! After all that build-up and the ultimate climax of actually getting out? Ugh. M@ deserves more respect at this point.
OK. Fine. So I may have portrayed my escape from DC like I was getting out of prison when I left all those months ago, but you know what? Suck it. Should it really come as that much of surprise that someone who's been in jail before winds up there again? These are statistics, people! (That is, these are statistics that may not have anything to do with this blog, but these are, indeed, statistics.)

So here I am. Again. I am the proverbial second-time offender, except my only crime this time around was getting sick. That's right, assholes, I'm here because I might have a motherf*cking brain tumor.


I bet you didn't see that one coming! (See? I told you you're all a bunch of dicks! Who "formerly loves" someone who might be hosting strange cells on her pituitary gland? An asshole! That's who!)

Uh, but I'm serious. Unlike my jabs at having a tapeworm and rickets (although I am truly Vitamin D deficient), for once, I'm not just joking about disease. Yep. I may, indeed, be growing a second head. But don't you worry your wired little screen-face, Internet, because 1) nothing is confirmed, which I will explain in a moment, and 2) even if I am tumorized, it neither means it's fatal nor cancerous, which I will explain after I return to explain point No. 1. God, you're all going to feel so awkward after this. This is my dream post...

OK, so let me underline that I have not yet been diagnosed with a brain tumor and hopefully I never will be. According to medical professionals with legitimate degrees, a medication I was on (not the crack, which is back, in case you didn't know) may just be making it seem like I have a brain tumor. How the hell does that work? I don't freaking know. I can't even tie my own shoes yet. All's I know is that I had a bunch of blood drawn and my endocrine system is completely out of whack, which could indicate a lesion on the ol' pituitary gland and/or a tumor in the section of the brizain that controls the pit-gland (ew). OR, and this is my preferred outcome, my wacky blood work could just be the fault of a lady pill I was on (AWKWARD!).
And so while I continue to allude to using ironic street drugs and anti-baby pills, I'm stuck here in DC until said medical professionals can get "clean" blood tests to decide whether I really do need to get an MRI to find a brain lump or if I simply need some other sort of medication. (More crack?) So yeah, f*ck you for yelling at me for being back.

And now to point No. 2, which I'd like to add since I dropped the words "brain" and "tumor" in a menacing kind of way and don't want to start receiving Evites to my own funeral. Although I would love to partake in a Make-A-Wish Foundation sponsored activity, I don't want anyone thinking there's something more wrong with me (well, at least physically) than there actually is. That would be a dick move, and clearly, like you, lovely non-hating reader, I, too, am an exception to DC's dick rule.

So, here are the facts: Apparently, the type of brain tumor I'm a candidate for (OMG! I'm just so excited to be qualified for something!) is actually pretty common, meaning up to 10 percent of you may have this sh*t, too. The thing is, a lot of people don't realize it because your second head doesn't cause any symptoms that affect your daily life, or because you're drunk all the time and have no idea what's going on around you. But whatever. Getting back to me, this narcissistic egomaniac is not dying. Duh. I'm immortal.
So yeah. Suck on that poached egg of knowledge, haters!

CLICK. That'll surely lighten the mood.

Hi there. How are we all doing? Good? Are we all googling brain tumors right now? Aw, that's great. Anything I can do to spread mass panic awareness. I'll give you a moment and then I'll propose we never blog about brain tumors again. Agreed? Good. Now, where were we...

Oh yeah. I'm back in DC. Hey, you know what's even more f*cked up than me disclosing my medical problems to the entire Web just to make a couple people I don't even know feel like complete assholes? I'm actually glad I'm back. That's right. The last two weeks here in DC have been great. In fact, I think I've smiled more than I've grimaced, which is weird because the grimace is to me what sturgeon face is to Bill Clinton. That is, I'm a damn natural at looking simultaneously confounded and perturbed and DC presents so many opportunities for this signature look.

But don't worry, those of you who don't just formerly love me but love me (or at least e-love me) unconditionally and still want to read this blog -- I won't ever write about the things that have been making me smile, although I assure you, it's not the tumor. (Oops! I dropped the T-bomb again!) That would all be highly inappropriate, kind of like joking about your possible brain tumors. Plus, after all, this blog is still called The Anti DC. And if my helper llama Eugene's calculations are correct (I picked him up in Peru), no matter how much good stuff is going down in your life, if you live in DC, experience shows there will be more than enough exceptionally messed up sh*t to complain about here to keep up a daily blog.

So, buckle up lovers and haters, I'm back and even more unemployed so I'm going to start blogging like there's nothing else to do because there is nothing else to do. Well, except wait with bated breath for jorts season to begin. Razzle dazzle!


luscious leo said...

Sweet merciful crap. Leo almost didn't believe his eyes when TADC popped up in his RSS feed today ... he was so excited that you e-showed up on his doorstep (or actually showed up on his doorstep, as it were) that he may even bust out his MJ-inspired fedora ...

Welcome back, douche.

Freewheel said...

Well, I'm sorry to hear that it took medical issues for you to return to DC. If you get a clean bill of health, does that mean you're out of here?

No Faith In Humanity said...

Welcome back! Sorry it's under such sucky circumstances. At least now you're just in time to catch the entire season of Real World DC on Sundays (and possibly parlay into a drinking game of sorts).

Sara said...

Hey, I saw your new (old?) name on twitter and I was like wtf?

It's sometimes hard for me to tell when people are joking especially when they use like written sarcasm and stuff, but I seriously hope you get a clean bill of health. Mystery diagnoses are sort of my thing as you probably know from our conversations and my posts. So I really, really hope that everything turns out okay for you. And I also hope that you don't get any idiotic comments like I did. People can be so f*cking moronic at of the time really.

Update soon!

Sara said...

I'll change your name on my blog list.

Marissa said...


OH DEAR GOD! It's so good to hear from you again. I'm going to design for you a brand new accessory.


Excellent question. That depends on a lot of things, I suppose. We'll see... :)

no faith--

Did somebody say drinking game?! In.


Yup. It's the ol' alter ego of borderline insanity. But for reals, I think your blogging about your situation made me just be like, "Why the hell not?" Apparently up to 10 percent of the population may be able to feel my pain, as it were. (There's some head pain involved.)

And likewise, I'll add your blog to the righthand side here. FUERZA CHILE!

The REAL Anti DC said...

1) You may be dying; in which case your remaining days are severely limited. YET you choose to spend them in DC.

2 )We're all dying. Many of your readers latched onto that fact previously, just as you have done now. YES, we're all mortal! Go fucking figure.

3) You're back in DC. Loo-SUH-her.

4) I'm the commenter who said that M@ is better than you. (And I'm right) ((And he is)) (((And I'm not M@))) ((((I actually despise M@)))) (((((But he gets props for getting out and staying out))))) (((((Oh, and he's dying too, just like everybody else; but the timing is all relative n' shit))))))

Marissa said...


I don't care what you comment here, I just ask that you study how to use parenthetical phrases properly. I'm sure you realize I'm kind of an expert on the topic (duh), which is why I think you tried to impress me in Point 4. If you wanted to do a kind of parenthetical-within-parenthetical thing, it really should look more like this:

"4) I'm the commenter who said that M@ is better than you. (And I'm right. (And he is. (And I'm not M@. (I actually despise M@. (But he gets props for getting out and staying out. (Oh, and he's dying too, just like everybody else; but the timing is all relative n' shit.))))))"

You may notice I also added periods. That's because each one of your proposed parenthetical phrases was a complete sentence.

Anyway, I hope this helps so that next time you insult me I can concentrate more on the content rather than the punctuation. (Although, I question whether you had any legitimate content at all. (But do you see how seamless that parenthetical phrase was?!))

Also, maybe you should start your own blog? Just a suggestion!

Oh, and lastly, please continue to suck it,


Cyndy said...

I'm so sorry for joking about dumping the horse for the tapeworm. I guess I didn't read carefully enough to realize that you weren't joking about the tapeworm. I sincerely hope that you don't have a brain tumor and that they find a cause for your symptoms that is much simpler and easier to treat. Please keep us posted.

Lu said...

arghh.. please post results soon! good luck. i love your blogs,...

Patty Duke said...

I,m glad you are back in DC. I'm ready for a Spring happy hour meet up, when you are up to it. Or brunch is nice. Or whatever, just to hi personally. Does that sound creepy? I hope not.

cutteing said...

Wow....nicely put...and a cab ain't nothing but a ho on wheels!


Patrick B said...

Just like crack, the AntiDC is Back! So happy for this even if it's tumor induced. Marissa + Words + DC = Smiles for me! Hope you don't die anytime soon!

Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Re multiple parenthesis usage -- yours is what I use, Marissa.

But if we're being proper, isn't there some combination of square and curved brackets that works? (Putting a limit of two on it, mind you. [Which sucks.]) I forget which is supposed to be where, tho'.

So maybe we'd best stick with the (((()))) usage...

Marissa said...


Oh no! Don't feel bad about the tapeworm jabs. I, too, was joking about that. Hell, I'm even joking about my possible tumor. The line is but a dot over here and I invite all to partake.


Thanks! Unfortunately, because of the previous medication I was on, I have to wait a month just to take another set of blood tests. After that, though, the diagnosis should come quickly. Impending doom! JK, it'll all be fine whatever happens.


Just name the time and place and I'm there!


Truer words have never been spoken. Or typed. Or smoke-signaled.


Barring a freak accident or a straight out hit, I plan to be around till the end of days. Also, it is highly flattering to be likened to crack. Thanks! :)


Thank you for furthering the discussion of the proper punctuation for parenthetical phrases. I think, perhaps, you're referring to a specific style. Is is AP? I would have to do further research.

Debbi said...

I'm late as always, but I'm glad to see you back here (even if the circumstances suck). Hope you get that clean bill of health and get the hell out of here. JOKING!

Really, hope you get a passing grade on those test results.

And just so you know, I was so thrilled to see you post to this blog again, I blogged about it:

Marissa said...


Ha! Thanks and yes, me too. And thanks for the shout-out! I will do what I can to continue to stay on your radar!