Monday, February 25, 2008

steak and strippers!

Virginia is a chasm in the space-time continuum. Seriously, it's like a parallel universe over there. True, the people still appear to have two eyes, a nose, a mouth, five senses and supposedly need oxygen to survive; and its true that they still drive cars, go to school, go shopping, walk their dogs and eat meals of food for dinner. But, it's almost like they know how to do all that sh*t better, more efficiently and, of course, classier than we do in the Capitol of the Free World.

Take, for instance, the act of eating dinner. Whereas in DC, we just go for the food, which is often overpriced, in Virginia, a night out at a restaurant goes way beyond the food, which is cheap as hell, by the way. Over there, it's an entire night of entertainment. Naked entertainment, that is.

That's right, my friends, Virginia's "Crystal City Restaurant" has a two-fer strip deal, it seems. In one convenient stop, patrons can first feast on a New York Strip Steak and then feast their eyes on a humanoid lady stripper! And all at very, very reasonable prices!

Tonight we dine in hell with strippers!

The Crystal City Restaurant is not kidding! Those prices are indeed unbelievable! At just $4.99 for a six-ounce strip (for the kids, I assume!) and $9.99 for a whopping 16-ounce strip (for the older and wiser) it's perfect for the whole family! Not to mention, the free unlimited refills of syphilis! Seriously, how is it that life is so awesome across the Potomac?

Alas, the Crystal City Restaurant, which is located just off Jefferson Davis Highway near National Airport (because I trust you're going to go), was closed when The Law and I happened upon it yesterday morning on our way to the shooting range (um, for reals -- look for an upcoming photo and video essay on that). But as two single tears rolled down our respective faces upon learning the Crystal City Restaurant's late-night hours, we vowed to come back. And I may have to sooner than I think because I left a little piece of my life behind in that fair establishment's parking lot -- my ATM card (no comment on how it may have gotten there).

Now, I can only hope dinner (and a round of lapdances) for locals Billy Bob, Mary Sue and their two sons Bubba and Ham-Bone was on me last night. After all, Virginia is for lovers, um, and families that go to strip clubs-cum-restaurants (I'm not going to touch the humor in that phrase) together, right? Right.


Beach Bum said...

I can tell you don't come to our side of the Potomac that often... Crystal City Restaurant (or CCR, as referred by many locals) is very well known here. Mostly for the fact that clueless tourists open the doors with their families, and hurriedly run back out. Fun, fun.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Why do you assume that strippers have syphilis? It's bad enough that these girls (many of them are uneducated single moms) are so desperate that they have to resort to doing this in front of fat, bald, creepy old guys, in order to pay their rent and buy their kids shoes. Do they really need people on the internet calling them sluts?

caroline said...

Oddly enough, one of the best club sandwiches I ever had was at Camelot. Nevertheless, if you're at CCR and getting hungry you should go to the Kebab Palace around the corner. The food is cheap, abundant, and insanely addictive if you're intoxicated.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

LOL the strippers wear pasties as well. Its a good laugh...........its popular when police week comes to town in May.

Good times.....

waiting to hear about your shooting adventures

I-66 said...


Why the poor categorization of my fellow Virginians?

Marissa said...

Wow, why all the touchy-feely-ness today? First, we have some qualms about my alluding to strippers possibly having syphilis, despite that I'd have used the same allusion had I been speaking of a keg party in Georgetown. My syphilis jokes know no occupation or social status!

Then we have Virginians taking offense to, well, me mocking Virginians. BUT, I'll have you know that when I make fun of Virginians I am technically mocking myself -- I am a holder of a Virgina driver's license (my mom moved to Hampton Roads when I was 19).

Although, I don't think I was necessarily even making that much fun of anyone in this post (well, maybe Ham-Bone...). In all honesty, I am fascinated with all Virginia has to offer, which includes and is possibly limited to guns and cheap meats. If only I smoked cigarettes. I'd totally move there.


Marissa said...

Oh, and speaking of guns. I am in the middle of putting together a video montage of my shooting range adventure. It will blow minds.