thrift store shorts, "needy ho's" and the artist you've been waiting for

A funny thing happened while I was trying to take a self-portrait of my outfit last night. I captured myself tripping over a wayward sneaker.


Clearly, I need to do two things: 1) Get a camera that has a self-timer that doesn't operate in another space-time continuum (that was not 10 seconds); and 2) Get my helper horse Sven to do a better job of cleaning up after myself.

Or, I suppose, I could just watch where I step, but then where would the joke be in that?

Anyway, balance issues or not, this is what I wore yesterday. In the rain. In the hail. In the cold.

Let's just say it wasn't necessarily the smartest choice a girl could make, but at least I looked cool, right?

Or maybe just poor, as most of the items I'm wearing are from thrift stores. The rest of the ensemble comes from discount bins in various already-discount stores like Target and H&M. Really, the only item that should've cost me money is the Argentine leather jacket, which I found several years ago marked down from about $400 to $100 in Bloomingdale's Soho location.

But despite the frugality of the above ensemble, I think it worked out well, you know, as long as I stayed indoors. My doorman certainly thought so...which is actually a little more creepy than it is complimentary now that I think about it.

What was complimentary, though, was when my favorite coworker at the sex shop (he's fabulous!), called me a fashion guru.

But as nice as it was to hear a sincere non-sexual, strictly fashion-related compliment on my chosen ensemble, I know in my heart I am no fashion guru. Nope. I'm just a girl who coordinates well. The only true fashion guru in this world is Russian pop sensation Vitas. Not Karl Lagerfeld. Not Marc Jacobs, whose last few collections I actually despise. And certainly not Gordon Smith (R-Ore.), who consistently ranks at the top of what is probably the dumbest category ("Best Dressed") in the dumbest survey ("Best & Worst of Congress") I've ever heard of existing. Seriously, turning Congress into a high school popularity contest does not make it any more appealing. But back to business, fashion business, nay, Vitas business. Behold!


Not only is Vitas's outfit ions more fashion-forward than mine, but it's also more weather-appropriate. In fact, look at him there. He's telling that large piece of steaming hail that he'll see it in hell!

And speaking of hell -- hella awesome, that is! -- get a load of Vitas's skills. He's not just all sequins and platform shoes, he's also the self-proclaimed "Artist You've Been Waiting For." And by artist, I mostly me he's, um, a totally competent dancer with, uh, the voice of an angel?



Dreams, indeed, Vitas. Dreams, indeed.

So, while flannel and a pair of DIY cutoffs may count as guru-level in this town, I think it's only fitting I deflate my overinflated ego by reminding myself about what Europe, well, Eurasia was doing seven years ago. Thank you, Vitas. More importantly, thank you to your outfit that looks like its about to Little Shop of Horrors your ass.


Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make like a DC cop and go join the Make It Rain On Them Ho's Foundation, whose mission is as serious about making it rain on "needy ho's" (or hoes, rather, although not to be confused with the garden tool) as mine is about spreading the gospel of Vitas.

All too often, at strip clubs and bars or just on the streets, ho’s go without getting rained on. But who cares it not your ho. Why should you care? Because it is a ho, and she needs you. When you join the make it rain on them ho’s foundation, you’ll know she has a strip club to go to. You’ll know she has a bar to dance at so she won’t die like thousands of ho’s did last night. Not your ho? Once you start getting to know each other that will change. All you have to do is step up and say I’m going to make it rain on them ho’s, because you can and because she needs you. Do an extraordinary thing and call and ask us to send you a picture of a "Ho" that needs you. For one dollar a day, you can put a smile on a Ho’s face and bring hope to her future days. We’ve done our part, have you?

In fact, I haven't done my part. But is making it rain on needy hoes truly my duty? I mean, in the outfit I was wearing yesterday in the inclement weather, I pretty much looked like a needy ho, so, really, someone should be doing something for me. Why then wasn't I rained upon by anything other than precipitation? Once again, the DC cops have failed me.

What say you, Vitas?



Yeah, you're gonna want to watch that until the very end when he hits the elusive brown note. Seriously, you're going to sh*t in your pants. Or if you're a ho, into your G-string. Or if you're a needy ho (like myself, apparently), into your thrift store shorts. Or if you're lucky enough to be Vitas, into your metallic shroud. I can't wait to don one of those and take to the streets, you know, for when I start busking by covering Vitas songs. Godspeed, DC, godspeed.

***

Outfit details: Jacket -- doma from Bloomingdale's Soho; tank -- H&M; flannel -- Jone's New York from Goodwill; shorts -- Abercrombie DIY cut-offs from some Iowa thrift shop; knee-high soccer socks -- Champion from Target; rain boots -- Target.