Friday, July 24, 2009

???

In place of writing anything legitimate (although whether I do that ever is pretty questionable), I'm going to steal an idea from fellow DC blogger Lemmonex and offer a Q&A post. That is, if you have questions, I have answers. Well, let me clarify. I have retarded answers.

So, let's get to it. Let's get to know each other better. Ask me anything, you know, if you care.

Maybe you want to know what the official Anti DC view on "sexting" is? Or maybe you want to know how many feedbags of oats my helper horse Sven goes through in a week? Tips on how to build a crawlspace/panic room, perhaps? How to make a living as an ironic hobo? How would I solve the healthcare crisis?

Really, anything goes here.

In return, also like Lemmonex did, I will ask you a question, which I've been thinking about since yesterday. Which image is more disturbing: David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing or David Hasselhoff lounging at a strange angle with puppies on his gens?


I really want to settle this debate. But if nothing else, have a lovely weekend!

34 comments:

nate said...

Puppies. Without question. It's not even close.

As for the question, I'm gonna have to go with:

"What is your all-time favorite bean recipe and why?"

Just cuz.

Marissa said...

nate--

OK, one vote puppies on gens.

As for my favorite bean dish. I like black beans, with diced chicken and onions over rice topped with a fried egg and mango salsa. It's effing delicious.

Shannon said...

The swing. Because I've heard of bestiality, but a tire swing fetish is a whole new frontier.

What blogs do you follow?

Patty Duke said...

The puppies. There is something obscene going on there.

Do pass a a lot of gas? I mean you do eat bean everyday.

Marissa said...

shannon--

One vote for swing.

I don't "follow" blogs in the sense where I'm on Google reader or anything, mainly because I don't like having any sort of e-responsibility to read something every day. But I check in with a variety of DC blogs on a regular basis, yours, Lemmonex, Manufacturing Rarity, LivitLuvit, Freewheeling Spirit. Occasionally, BYT or DCist or Gwadzilla. Out-of-DC blogs, my favorite is BikeSnobNYC. He's freaking hilarious. I'm probably forgetting some, but if it's listed on the right, then I've probably checked in with it at least once in the past month.

Marissa said...

patty--

Excellent, fiber-filled question. You'd think I would, but strangely I do not. I am, however, extremely regular. Thank you, impressive digestive tract.

N said...

Puppies. He's naked. That is all.

Anonymous said...

I disagree with the question itself, since I find neither "disturbing." In fact, I think a little more Hasselhoff in the District would be a good thing.

My question: For a funemployed person, you seem to do a lot of traveling. Since DC pays so little in funemployment benefits, what kind of illicit activities are you and your helper horse Sven involved in to fund your travels?

Followup question: As a fellow funemployed person, do you and Sven need a third partner in said illicit activities?

-Brian

Marissa said...

n--

I do believe I'm leaning toward that myself...

brian--

Excellent point and excellent question. I'm lucky in that I have no consumer debt because, well, I don't own anything. Combine that with my inherent genius, which has allowed me to make it through undergraduate and graduate school with no debt, and I make just enough in funemployment and savings from my previous job that paid an actual salary to afford myself travel that involves going to either 1) third world countries where a month's rent can cover a plane ticket and everything you can possibly think of in said countries for a month or more; 2) visiting places where I know people who agree to house and often feed me; or 3) places where I can pitch a tent and cook beans over a fire in a garbage can. I also have a lot of air miles to cover ticket prices. There are many ways. The only thing illicit is the underground craps ring. JUST KIDDING. Everything I do is street legal.

Anonymous said...

Puppies. Yuck.

My question:

1. What are you going to do next? Get another job or write a book, start a cult, "monetize" this blog...?

and a a follow-up: If you were to start a cult, what would be the tenets of said cult?

April said...

Puppies more disturbing than tire swing. I can pretend tire swing o-face is some sort of juvenile jubilation, however, cannot pretend that innocent puppies aren't touching his genitals. They clearly are.

At 7 years old, what did you want to be when you grew up?

More than anything, I wanted to be a Price is Right girl a.k.a. Barker Beauty. I could showcase the hell out of our living room.

Marissa said...

anon--

Puppies. Duly noted. This seems to be the consensus.

As for your questions: Well, if all goes as my dreams indicate, I will be a novelist like the female Chuck Palahniuk. I've got about 80 pages done of what will probably be around 300...so we'll see. To make ends meet for now, however, I've been toying with the idea of becoming a Waffle House line cook, as well. (Not joking.) If there's anything I've learned in my past employment, it's that I'm not cut out for office work.

Re: the cult, well, I don't like rules, following or making them, so I guess it would be some sort of hippie cult where we all just had orgasms on tire swings or something.

april--

Puppies again. I think we have the clear DH disturbance winner...

When I was seven I wanted to be a ballerina. When I was nine I decided to become the president. Now, at 29, I've decided to become a Waffle House line cook/novelist (see above). Wow, how times change...

Price as Right girl, though. That's the best thing I've ever heard of a 7-year-old wanting to become. :)

cutteing said...

It is my belief, that one can never really truly escape from, what I'd like to term, the Douchbag, here in DC. Do you feel this statement rings true? Also, the female version of this would be a Trixie.

As for your question...the Hasselhoff with the puppies...makes me want to remove my glasses..and I'm pretty much blind as a bat.

That is all :)

Marissa said...

cutteing--

Indeed, it is impossible to escape the douchebag unless you are within the confines of private property that does not allow douchebags to enter (i.e. your own home or that of a trusted friend). Re: Trixie -- that sounds like a pet's name. Like, maybe the pug that's on DH's gens...

Hill Rat said...

Naked with a puppy means pedo-bestiality, and that's tough to beat.

Hill Rat said...

I forgot to ask a question, so here goes. I recently had the front tire stolen off one of my bikes, do you think I'll ever get it back?

Anonymous said...

Marissa,

Anon (of cult question fame), here again. I'm actually a lawyer now, but used to cook. Don't do a breakfast place like WH or IHOP. Worst. Job. Ever. Really. If you want to cook, go do a lunch place. Breakfast places are nuts.

Marissa said...

hill rat--

LOL! Pedo-bestiality...wow...this blog has gone to places I've never dreamed.

As far as your bike wheel? It's as gone as the innocence of those puppies on DH's jock. Sorry.

Marissa said...

anon--

But I like the idea of being in the center of the action at WH. And the lingo...I love the lingo there. I'm also toying with small-town cop.

aak said...

In The Master and Margarita, why are the Devil and his crew so likeable? Is it that hell would have been preferable to 1930s Russia?

Also, have you read The White Guard?

Marissa said...

aak--

Well, let's be honest. Woland, Bigemot, Fagot, etc. are hilarious and incredibly smart compared to the Soviet figures described in the book. They're just a fun bunch. But I think you're on to something, in that the real hell is life in the USSR, a place that tears two lovers apart. It was the devil that allowed them to be together.

As for The White Guard, nope. Never read it. Heart of the Dog though...I love that one. :) Nice questions!

Stevious said...

Both Hoff pictures make my eyes sick.

Question: What's the difference between a ship and a boat?

Marissa said...

stevious--

Ah, the most interesting question yet. The difference between a ship and a boat. Well, I've always been under the impression that a ship is much bigger than a boat. Hence, life boats being attached to cruise ships, instead of life ships being attached to cruise boats. Is it the same in the UK?

katelin said...

I'm going to have to agree with Shannon, tire swing fetish is a whole new frontier. My question is how does one become "Facebook famous." I don't know why I put quotes around it. perhaps it looks more professional.
Best,
kate

Marissa said...

katelin--

One more vote for tire swing noted. As far as "Facebook famous" (and I think that does belong in quotes because it is such a ridiculous notion), the only thing I can think of is nudie photos. Maybe with a couple of puppies on your gens.

Ben (The Tiger in DC) said...

The puppies. The tire swing is just the Hoff playing games with perspective again (see "Hooked On A Feeling" video). Whereas the almost-nudity disturbs.

Why has this blog become all Hoff, all the time?

Marissa said...

ben--

I'll answer that question with another question: Why wasn't this blog all Hoff, all the time until now? That I will never know...

Ben (The Tiger in DC) said...

You finally averaged out the Russian and Irish and came up with German?

Matt said...

A) Well, the puppies-on-Hoff pic makes my tear ducts vomit a little each time I see it, so that gets my vote.

Q) Do you think it is more fair to treat people justly or arbitrarily ?
And which is more fun?

Marissa said...

ben--

Well, I'm actually a quarter equal parts German and Irish from what I understand (1/8 each or something). The Third World, a.k.a. the Russian, dominates at one whole half. And to boot, it's mostly Belarussian -- when I mean Third World, I really mean Third World. The other quarter is a random grab-bag of European crap. My ancestors got around, it seems. But, really, it doesn't matter because all nations unite under the power that is David Hasselhoff.

matt--

Well, being of the Libertarian perspective, I am all for justice and freedom and the like. I think arbitrariness leads to wishy-washiness and wishy-washiness leads to David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing while puppies rest on his gens. Right?

Matt said...

Good point!

Debbi said...

The puppies get my vote. As surreal as Hasselhoff making the O-face on a swing is, it's nowhere near as disturbing as puppies on his pubes.

(shudder)

Oh, yeah, the question. What did you study in college and grad school? (Just kind of interested in the educational background of one who decides to be an ironic hobo.)

Marissa said...

debbi--

I think the puppies are the clear winners...er, losers...

But let's see. I have a BA in Russian language and literature. And an MA in International Relations and Communication with a Journalism concentration. I really hit the ball out of the park when it comes to useless degrees I'll never use...

Although the first one, the BA, that was really enjoyable to get. I love learning languages and reading books, so, yeah...but not enough to ever roll toward a PhD. Ever.

All future learning I plan to glean from the streets. Or at least the security guy in my building who just taught me how to jimmy open a door with a credit card and break into a car with a hangar. Now those are marketable skills.

... said...

Why "microwave"?