Thursday, July 2, 2009

dc okays dognapping

Clearly, lots of sh*t in DC makes me wish I had the power to projectile vomit on cue, like a one-woman slime-machine a la Nickelodeon's You Can't Do That On Television. I'd slime the hell out of just about everything: the bus driver who seemingly has no peripheral vision or possibly just likes grazing bicyclists; the manager at Giant who thinks it's a good idea to keep only one of four self-checkouts open on a weekend afternoon; on most peoples' outfits; on the whole of the government; and, really, so many other nouns around town.

Luckily for us all (maybe save for my thighs), however, on-cue regurgitation kind of grosses me out, which means all I have is this here blog to e-projectile vomit on all the things that irk me about this town.

And what's irking me now is dognapping. When I first read about Molly's disappearance on DCist, I felt a feeling that doesn't come around often -- empathy. I hoped Molly would turn up all right and the sick asshole who stole her would stumble into justice.

Apparently, however, I'm all but alone in that opinion. Turns out, the majority of residents in DC, or at least those who comment on DCist, think it's perfectly okay to kidnap someone's dog if they leave it tied up for three minutes while they run into the store.

typemouse wrote: "As awful as having your dog stolen is, these people were just asking for something to happen. What if she'd slipped her leash and gotten hit by a car? What if she bit someone? Got in a fight? I'm surprised Animal Control doesn't roll right up and toss these seemingly abandoned dogs in the back of their truck."

engineergirl wrote: "I agree-- I would be so nervous if my dog was left unattended in a public area for even a minute. I know someone who had his dog stolen from his (fenced-in) backyard, so why wouldn't someone just pluck one off the street? Aside from theft, I'd be afraid of some crazy person hurting the dog, and what if the dog were to bite someone?"

volite wrote: "In DC, I have seen dogs tied up to the bike rack, telephone poles, fences... even a cinder block outside the Safeway at 13th and Kentucky SE. If you are doing this, you care more for your personal convenience than you do for your dog- it's as simple as that...I hope you find your dog and I hope this blog post will help. Quite frankly, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often."

Drunga, dodgecitydave, deesee, and countless other jerks had similar sentiments.

Then SydPT said it best: Man you guys are a bunch of dicks. Stop lecturing people and go look for that fucking dog!

Although as eloquent and accurate as SydPT's assessment is, I wish to expand. Ahem.

F*ck this place. The fact that we, as a community, should not only expect this kind of sick sh*t to happen but should accept it, speaks volumes to how messed up DC is. Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town, but, um, doesn't it seem twisted to expect your damn dog to be kidnapped? What the hell kind of city is this? I mean, I understand leaving your dog abandoned for hours in the sun tied to a tree is a bad thing, however, these people hopped in a store for a few mere minutes! That's hardly abuse. That's not neglectful. And most of all, that's not outrageous behavior. That's NORMAL behavior. What's outrageous is all the reactionary asshole accusations being made by all the dicks that populate DC.

And to all those who compared leaving your dog tied to a tree for three minutes to not locking your bike or, uh, leaving your kid tied to a tree for three minutes, this is what I have to say: While I think it is perfectly sad that you need a frickin' Manhattan lock to protect even the sh*ttiest of bikes from getting stolen in DC, it makes logistical sense. When it comes down to it, bicycles, while some of us may treat them like pets, are tools. They're inanimate objects. They don't need to be fed or watered. And unless you're a magician, they don't sit, come or sick on demand. While you may know your bicycle, your bicycle will never know you.

Now, as far as equating a dog to a child, I'm not even sure where to start. This is just retarded. I feel the people who make that connection are the ones who abuse their pets by dressing them up like human beings in sweaters, dresses and pigtails. To those idiots, I say, "Your dog is not a baby." But you're right, no, you would not leave a baby tied up to a tree. You also don't walk it on a leash (although, perhaps this wouldn't be a bad idea). And most importantly, babies don't wash themselves by licking their own butts. If yours does, you might want to see someone about that...

And to those who ridiculously assert, "But was live in a major urban area! Sh*t happens!" this is what I have to say: I've seen many-a-dog tied up while their owners run short errands in New York City, Chicago and even Moscow. DC is far less urban than those places, meaning that excuse is total bullsh*t. DC is really nothing but extremely wack.

There! I said it! DC IS WACK!

In closing, I hope these people find their dog.

13 comments:

Ben (The Tiger) said...

Tying a child to a tree... leading it around on a leash... I can think of a few that could have used it...

Well, if I ever get a dog, I'll get a mutt. (Unless I get a Siberian husky. That'd be a fun breed to have.) Only the purebreds get dognapped...

lustyreader said...

oh jesus, i saw the dcist post the other day but never read the comments. thank you for "Expanding" on the what-the-fuckery bc after reading the comments i don't feel so good about my logan circle neighbors.

Norman said...

While I think dog thieves are sad sacks, Nathan's are the only dogs I want to find.

cutteing said...

DC is indeed WACK.....Cheers to that!

Sonya said...

DC is wack!!!! I agree 100% with a bunch of fucktards.

Marissa said...

ben--

Husky's are my fave. If I ever get one, I'm naming it Steve. Although if you get one, you have to get another. Those dogs need to be in packs. IDITAROD!

lustyreader--

Yeah, I think people in DC just like lecturing others. Anything to be on the high-horse.

norman--

Yum. I can't remember the last time I had a Nathan's hot dog. Then again, I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning.

cutteing--

The word "wack" needs to be brought back. Preferably, used only in rhyming clauses.

sonya--

I admire you use of the word "fucktard." Ha!

Ben (The Tiger) said...

Oh, incidentally, "You Can't Do That On Television" was a Canadian show...

Watched it for years on YTV when I was a young'un.

Never understood why people didn't say "water" after saying "I don't know" -- best to wash off what slime one can...

Kelsey said...

"The fact that we, as a community, should not only expect this kind of sick sh*t to happen but should accept it, speaks volumes to how messed up DC is. Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town, but, um, doesn't it seem twisted to expect your damn dog to be kidnapped? What the hell kind of city is this?"

I have been telling folks for awhile that I always feel like DC has no sense of community empathy. This is such an incredibly great example of the collective self-centeredness of this city.

Kelsey said...

Also - I added you to my blogroll, by the way.

Marissa said...

ben--

Never thought about the water after slime thing. Excellent point!

kelsey--

Thanks for the add!

And "I have been telling folks for awhile that I always feel like DC has no sense of community empathy. This is such an incredibly great example of the collective self-centeredness of this city"?

Exactly!

Kelsey said...

@ Marissa: I moved here from Boston, which has a really close knit community, and I have really been taken aback by the lack of community here. I feel like everyone here goes through their life with blinders on and has no interest in getting involved with anything outside their own immediate sphere of experience.

Aroinak said...

This is, for lack of a more sophisticated word, sad. I live in a small town, where you could leave your Mint-Condition Stingray (car) running on the side of the street and still come back to it 2 hours later without it having been stolen, so this kind of thing makes me feel sick. I can't believe someone would justify stealing someone's dog by saying they deserved it for leaving the dog on a leash for 3 minutes while you got groceries. What are you supposed to do with your dogs?
Also: I love how you censor it when you drop an F-Bomb, but not when you're quoting someone else saying it. =)

Marissa said...

kelsey--

I also found Boston to be more community-oriented (I went to grad school there). At the very least each neighborhood has its own character.

arionak--

Sad is actually the perfect word for it. Yeah, I don't know why I censor my swears...I'm a weirdo, I suppose. :)