Monday, July 20, 2009

i want the president to stay in the white house

That is, I don't really want to see him everywhere I go. And not because I hate him. Because I don't. President Obama seems like a fine, likeable guy with a likeable family and a likeable dog. The thing is, I'd rather he remain in the White House doing his job (which is not a normal nine-to-five government job), than be out gallivanting around DC eating half-smokes and getting stuck in traffic.

Is that wrong?

I mean, a dinner or two is fine, I suppose. Although if you live in the dang White House, why not just order in? You have a cook. I'm sure your friends would not decline an invite. In fact, if I had the choice to meet President Obama at Five Guys or have Five Guys delivered to us in the White House, well, the choice is easy -- serve me.

Speaking of serving, even if I'm not one of the lucky few to garner an invite to the President's home, I would rather never meet him at all and know that he's in the Oval Office solving some international crisis than shake his hand at the ballpark. Especially if he's going to go to the ballpark looking like this:

He looks like he's smuggling a half-dozen pairs of Depends in those.

But anydumpinthepresidentspants, the reason I bring this up is because of an article I spotted yesterday in the Washington Post. It chronicles the President's semi-frequent jaunts about town to enjoy the "local culture," which, according to the evidence presented in the article, seems to begin and end with artery-clogging foods. Murdering people and further corrupting the local government -- two activities that I've always considered prime examples of Washington DC's "local culture" -- were conspicuously absent.

Now, maybe I'm an idiot (keyword: maybe), but why is any of this important? Does anyone truly think the President grabbing a hotdog will improve the city in any tangible way? All he's really doing is mucking up traffic, making the lines at Ben's Chili Bowl longer and providing easy blog fodder for me. And as I demonstrate here almost every single weekday, none of those things are good for the city. Especially that last one...

Not to mention, every minute Obama spends weaving in and out of DC's retarded traffic patterns (Did you know the only street to have timed traffic lights is 15th?) is one less minute he's spending making sure he earns his $400,000 worth per year.

And since I've discovered that it's apparently street legal to earn $2.37 per hour in DC, this means I should be able to expect the President of the United States to work about 168,776.4 hours per year. Or 3,245.7 hours per week. Or 463.7 hours per day.

Yep, that seems reasonable.

There'll be time to "live life" and "spend time with your wife" and "pay attention to your kids" later. Better yet, employ them. Two birds, one stone, right? Michelle can make sure you leave the house in pants not made for a middle-aged woman and the kids can solve the economic crisis. Make them earn their allowance.


Alex said...

The real tragedy here is that you've picked the right material for a funny satirical piece, but you don't have the chops to execute.

Marissa said...

Thank you, Alex. Please come again.

Ben (The Tiger in DC) said...

The White House cooks know how to do burgers -- they had to train up when W came into town.

And they can do hot dogs -- that's what Bush served McCain, once McCain won the nomination.

(Hey, that's good company -- when the King and Queen first visited the USA in 1939, FDR grilled them wieners, too... It was a statement of equality -- you're heads of state, I'm a head of state, and I want a dog. I believe His Majesty enjoyed it... If I were King George VI, I'd have demanded a bacon cheeseburger, myself...)

And I think Clinton ordered pizza a decent amount. (Wasn't there a pizza involved in the Monica story?)


As for your proud tweet just now -- well, hip people just don't diss the president... It's just not done.

Anonymous said...

But Marissa, with your idea, there would be no Real World DC and no Real Housewives of DC (I'm pretty sure Late Night Shots supposed show can sustain itself on its endless douchetosity). Now, do you really want a DC without a Real World and Real Housewives?! I think we both know the answer to that.


p.s. don't forget about the longer lines at Ray's Hell Burger too!

Ben (The Tiger in DC) said...

On the other hand, Americans are a very depressed people.

And polls have it that most of us really like our president. Fewer of us, but still a majority, support how he's doing his job.

So we might want a presidential visit.

Just to buck us up a bit.

He can cut back, on the other hand, on the Urdu poetry reading and the Pakistani cooking till he is an ex-president, whether that be in 2013 or 2017...

Marissa said...


Riddle me this: who doesn't like wieners?!

Maybe Alex.

But I wasn't even criticizing him. I called him "likeable" and God knows I like no one. But I guess maybe me suggesting his mere presence won't be able to magically transform this ass-backward ass-canal of a city is upsetting to some.


True. Very true. I can't wait to watch Real World 102 or whatever season they're on. I hope their job this season is to work for Marion Barry. That would be a damn dream come true!

nate said...

It's nice to see a little Mid-Western pragmatism admidst this sea of fawning, doe eyed acolytes. And from a one-time (should that be hypenated? It's been a long time since high school)journalist, no less. Cheers to ya, darlin'. :)

Now I'm gonna head over to Ben's to see if I can talk the CIC back into an overall plan for world domination. Things are getting so dull....

LiLu said...

For serious. How has Michelle not been granted absolute power of his wardrobe?? Though, if he's serving me Five Guys at his place, I'm inclined to (pretend to) let that slide.

Boomhauer said...

I don't mind Obama doing the occasional jaunt in DC; every President has to pretend to give a shit about the city. The people I hate are the Jonestown-esque windowlickers scrambling to name shittily constructed park (I'm looking at you, 14th and Girard Park) after their messiah who's barely been in office about seven months and hasn't accomplished a goddamn thing of substance nationally and whose sole contribution to DC is helping to stave off Ben's Chili Bowl from being gentrified to death.

Norman said...

Just got back from DC, and I must say, there's nothing that would do that town as much good as converting 80% of the population into high-quality, finely-pulverised mulch for the trees and parks. To say nothing of drinking heavily and riding my bike into the Potomac.

Hi, Marissa!

Marissa said...


If I can talk some fashion sense into those jeans, I feel my life is worth something.


I don't know. I think it'd be awesome to go grab a burger with the leader of the Free World, but to be seen with those pants? Wait, you're right. Ordering in is a must.


Well, if he must carry on "leaving the house" and "enjoying life" (two descriptors that I do believe or firmly NOT in his current job description), I beg him to change his pants. He's doing nothing for DC rep as a fashion retard of the world with those on...


Hi Norman! Well, that's a rather conservative estimate. I'd say more like 99 percent. Just kidding! I'd say no one needs to feed the grass, I just think everyone should be forced to take a course that covers logic, common sense and not be a total dick. Like, whatever happened to holding the door for people? That's my one contribution to society and people act like I just turned water into wine. I mean, it's not that difficult. And the fact that I'm lecturing others about kindness...well, what's this world coming to?!

Jeff said...

I think Obama visiting the various neighborhoods gives them a sense of place.

M@ said...

christ, even korean prostitutes make more than that (w/ tips).

Marissa said...




Koreans are pretty good looking. I'd think they'd make way more than $2.37.

Patty Duke said...

I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Particularly irksome to me was when he was at the reopening of Fords Theater. The entrance to my buidling closed and we could not leave until the President left. Nor could anyone enter the building or the block. No lunch for me that night.

Patty Duke said...

BTW this the first time ever that I have see a President with a wedgie.

Marissa said...


"BTW this the first time ever that I have see a President with a wedgie."

HAHAAHHAHAHA! I love the word wedgie.

But yeah, I just think there are certain drawbacks to becoming president, one of which is that you cannot have a normal life for 4-8 years. You can't just saunter off to dinner in public like it's no big deal when you have to close down streets, adjacent buildings and have 20 dudes with sniper rifles stationed in various locations...

Ben (The Tiger in DC) said...

New Jersey vegans hate hot dogs, and they're going to sue to make sure you do too.