Thursday, July 23, 2009

simple acts of strangers doing me favors

After watching this video, which made me want to projectile vomit all over humanity or maybe just jerky cyclists who give us all a horrible name by hitting pedestrians in the face with U-locks, I crawled into my crawlspace. (It's actually a panic room. My helper horse Sven constructed it some time ago after getting into quite a bit of gambling debt at the track.) Anyway, while in my crawlspace/panic room's dark confines I rocked back and forth like a scared, possibly retarded infant and let my tears fall as freely as David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing.


Days later, I came to. For one, I was really thirsty. (Sven does not keep the crawlspace/panic room's mini-fridge properly stocked.) And secondly, I had the overwhelming urge to self-publish a non-sensical simile about my tears and David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing. So, I crawled out.

But believe me, I was scared. When I exited my crawlspace/panic room, not only did I now fear getting bashed in the face with a heavy-metal object (and I'm not talking about a Pantera album), but I also feared running into David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing.

Wait. No. I actually was looking forward to that. Unfortunately, that only happens in Australia. (Note to self: Go to Australia.)

But luckily, to make up for DC's total lack of opportunities to run into David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing, fate still managed to restore a bit of my faith in humanity by setting up a few run-ins with people who didn't want to bash my teeth out with a bike lock. In fact, not only did I not get beat up, but people actually did me favors (non-sexual). And for nothing in return but gratitude! In the DC area! PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY NICE AND HELPFUL!

This is a big deal. As big a deal as David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing.

The first incident occurred Monday when I traveled to Virginia for a doctor's appointment. Seeing as I don't drive often and when I do I have about as much directional sense as a gentile dreidel, I get lost easily. Usually it doesn't matter because not a lot of people care where I am at any given time, but in this case, things were different. If I didn't arrive on time, I'd have to reschedule. And with a schedule as busy as mine, that would be nearly impossible. (Hey, it's not easy finding pictures of David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing.) Moreover, let's just say I couldn't put this procedure off. (Abortion.) Just kidding!

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, I'll tell you that to have this procedure that wasn't an abortion, I was forced to park illegally. However, when I begged the receptionist to let me go move my car after I checked in she flatly said, "No. Not if you still want to see the doctor." It's as if she didn't appreciate how much I appreciated David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing.

But to my utter surprise, a nice man eavesdropping on my conversation with the receptionist felt pity on me and offered to move my car. Not only that, but he didn't even steal it! He moved it, found a prime parking spot and then brought the keys back! (Or card rather. It was a Zipcar.) If I had his contact info, I'd send him a lifesize poster of David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing to properly thank him. Instead, all I did was say thank you.

And if that wasn't enough to turn my scowl of disdain into a scowl of slight content, yesterday morning while biking past the DC2NY bus leaving from 14th and H, the man collecting the tickets and handing out complimentary bottles of water to the lucky few heading to New York gave me a bottle of water even though I wasn't getting on the bus! Now, it may sound like I tricked him, say, by distracting him by holding up the picture I keep in my wallet of David Hasselhoff having an orgasm on a tire swing, but no! He saw no photo! He knew I wasn't getting on the bus! Instead, he said he just thought I could use some hydration on the road because it was getting hot out.

Wow! What a truly lovely couple of days! I felt like a nude David Hasselhoff strategically covered in puppies. Thank you, DC. Thank you.

10 comments:

Patty Duke said...

You know if Iwere I were drunk or a complete pervert I coould imagine that knot being David Hasselhoff's private parts.

Lemmonex said...

Dude, that video is fucking insane. The U lock usage is not cool, but the other dude would NOT back down.

Lowrha said...

I have to say, I don't understand your emphasis on Tire-Swing-O-Face DH over NUDE DH MOLESTING WRINKLY PUPPIES. With cocking his head at an unnatural angle. Thanks you to, I will no longer be able to concentrate on my job search for the rest of day.

Norman said...

You know what the Hoff needs in that first picture? A pre-cooked stick of meat by-product.

Marissa said...

patty--

Yeah, if you just do a quick glance, it looks Rated X. Either way, it's Rated W -- for wrong.

lemmonex--

I seriously couldn't handle it. I mean, it's hard to tell what went down but regardless, I'm pretty taking metal to anyone's face was uncalled for...BikeSnobNYC had an excellent analysis.

lowrha--

Um, sorry. To be honest, the only reason I found puppyfile David was when I was double checking out to spell his name...I, too, have not been able to concentrate all day because of it...

norman--

I think he needs that in the second picture too...

Anonymous said...

are you sure you shouldn't be afraid of a Pantera album? It's stuff like that which was used at Gitmo...

-Brian

Peter said...

I think the car-mover's niceness only annulled by the nastiness of the receptionist at the doctor's office. So you're only one up on the world.

Ben (The Tiger in DC) said...

When we abuse people with music, we keep a playlist.

Aroinak said...

I think that breaks the record of number of times I've seen A: David Hasselhoff's name in an article; B: Orgasm seen in a non-porn/erotica article; C: Tire Swings mentioned in an article; D: Any combination of those said items in an article. Way to go.

... said...

Why "microwave"?