Thursday, March 11, 2010

broverkill...?

During my "break" from DC, I probably lost about 75 percent of my readership, which means instead of four readers, I now have one. Although, I guess that is still an assumption. Perhaps this lone holdout also doesn't read, but instead spends his time searching for places for me to live on Craigslist. Scratch that. I mean he spends his time searching for ridiculous places for me to live on Craigslist. Last week, before I revealed that I was back and had managed to already move into and predictably lock myself out of Fort Kickass, he forwarded me this. I've been sitting on it because, well, I think you'll see why after you look at it. It's a bit of a mindf*ck.


And because I'm told by those who can read that it's impossible to read the words from that screenshot, here they are. Make sure whatever helper animal you're using doesn't have any kibble or bits in its mouth, because it just might gag:

$770 1 Bedroom in a 6Br, 3 story Bro Palace- America (Mt. Pleasant)

WARNING: If you are not a complete Brohemouth, do not read this ad. The awesome of this house will make your face melt like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We've had this Temple to Broseidon under our control since W. went Ameri-bro and Mission Accomplished the shit out of Iraq and it has seen some of the greatest bros of the last decade pass through its hallowed halls: 2 direct descendants of the A-Team, they guy who came up with Under Armour's "We must protect this house" campaign, Nicholas Cage, and a surfer bro (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-5F_7DwPpo) that made Keanu Reeves in Point Break look like Lionel Richie. After coming to America to learn the ways of the brah, our recent international brotege (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlWNg4k0MLY) has flown by the seat of his pants back Down Under, most likely to bang as many foreign chicks as possible. We're looking for a bro of epic broportions, talent and exploits to fill his spot in the brahacracy.

About the house itself:
• The house, as any true Brotel should, has its own brah-niker: Sparta, because what's more brah than being the most cock diesel fighters of all the ancient world? Slaying mad bitches that’s what, which were pretty sure the Spartans did too. if these guys were around today they'd wear Affliction Tees for sure bro
• Kitchen equipped with multiple blenders for protein shakes
• if you need to know more, then you’re no bro, and your face will start melting any minute now

The bros in this house like to party hard and bang chicks even harder. If you hate China and Russia winning any Olympic medal and shed a bro-tear when Phelps won his 8th gold medal, join the club. However, only real Teddy Brosevelts know the true tragedy was that the IOC (also known as Vichy France) didn’t let Phelps compete in every event.

Moving on, owning some container capable of holding more than 4 beers at once is an absolute requirement. Having recently banged a chick born in the 90's is a plus. If it was doggy and you didn't call her ever again…BRO-FIVE!

If you think you're brah enough to enter the kingdom of brah, respond to this ad. Our response will either come in the form of an email or by means of bald eagle courier. RamBros love America.

Brahsta La Vista.


Bro. My. Gawd. While I can understand why people refuse to keep up with fashion trends here (90 percent of this city's population is composed of disheveled tools), I cannot understand why DC's douchebags can't keep up with douche trends (90 PERCENT OF THIS CITY'S POPULATION IS COMPOSED OF DISHEVELED TOOLS!). I mean, COME ON! If we're going to be on the cutting edge of anything, being a tool should really be high up there. Like, we should be telling Brody Jenner what slang to use, not the other way around, and definitely not three years later. I'm guessing while Mr. Jenner was perfecting his bronunciation, these tools were still debating which band was cooler: Limp Bizkit or Crazy Town (um, don't pretend like you've never heard their one hit blunder).

Anysugarbaby, before I go ahead and judge the brahsiers who wrote the above ad, I'm going to postulate the theory that perhaps they're just joking. Maybe they're just f*cking with me like the way People magazine did in 1992 when it named its sexiest man alive:


Nick Nolte?! Really?! Did the editors see the picture? Were they still coming off their coke benders from the '80s? Because that is a brotastrophy of epic broportions. (What's worse? He also won a Golden Globe that year for The Prince of Tides. *shudder*)

So yeah, that happened. (I'll give you a moment to really let that sink in.)

Seriously. Jesuz. We live in a world where Nick Nolte was considered the sexiest man alive. *dry heave*

But the fact that Nick Nolte, at one point, was not only considered attractive, but THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE (I will never come to terms with that), we cannot control. What we can control, though, is the world directly around us today and I am thankful to be living in (and subsequently locking myself out of) Fort Kickass opposed to DC's very own "Sparta," where I'm sure the bros look more like Nick Nolte than Gerard Butler.


Now if only I can swing an invite to this Bro Palace for a dinner party sometime so I can say, "Tonight, we dine in hell!" and truly mean it. That, e-friends is my one and bronly dream.

Bros, I'll be waiting for your Evite.

15 comments:

firecracker! said...

i would so live in the bro palace, for nothing but the sheer entertainment. temple to broseidon? teddy brosevelts? sign me the F up. haha.

just take a lifetime supply of hand sanitizer.

James said...

Shouldn't that be Broosevelt?

Celia said...

To be totally, fair, its an excellent example of self segregation. No one who hates that type of person will accidentally end up living there.

Marissa said...

firecracker!--

I know what you mean. I've forwarded this to some males I know hoping one of them will bite. And, really, I kind of want to attend a dinner party.

james--

Bro, you're brotally right.

celia--

That is true. But there's still that Nick Nolte cover...

Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

Clearly people need a dose of Brozac.

James said...

Uh...sorry....


"Bromancing the Bone"

James said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marissa said...

ben--

Nice one, brah!

james--

Don't ever apologize for being brolific again. I really admire how you think outside the brox.

comment deleter--

I'm sad I'll never know your addition to the brosaurus. :(

James said...

Sorry. I accidentally double-brosted it.

Another David said...

I saw the Bro Palace thing on another blog this morning. I have GOT to find these people!

Marissa said...

james--

Don't ever apologize for a Double Cheesebroger.

another david--

WHAT?! There are other blogs??!?! I need to stop re-reading my own so regularly. If you don't mind, what was this other web log you speak of??? I'd like to check their take on the subject matter.

FoggyDew said...

Is this like an ad for "The D.C. Shore"? GTL D.C. baby!

I don't know about attending one of their dinner parties. The main course would probably consist mainly of bro-oofies followed by a dessert of, well, the Anti-DC (even though you weren't born in the 90s they'd probably make an exception).

Multiple blenders for making protein shakes? Not gonna help since they're probably shrinking their little bros with the roid shots. Any real man will tell you those blenders would be better put to use making frozen beverages with twice the recommended daily allowance of alcohol.

Ben (The Tiger in Exile) said...

I'd room with them. They love America and think the IOC is Vichy France.

So their hearts are in the right place. (Though sleeping with a girl born in the 1990s... well, some of them could be twenty by now. Still ultra-sketchy.)

Marissa said...

foggydew--

Ah! GTL in DC! Although I think in DC that stands for Going To (get a) Law (degree). OK, that was a stretch.

Hmm...

Anyway, I like your thoughts about the usages of blenders. Couldn't agree more.

ben--

BUT YOU'RE CANADIAN!

FoggyDew said...

How 'bout:

G-town (a place)
T-eabagging (an action)
L-NS (a thing)

Could work on it a little more, I know.