monday morning mayhem!

I must apologize preemptively. The first thing I did this morning was read the Glenn Beck profile in the New York Times magazine so I'm a little depressed. And not just because the character "Glenn Beck" exists, but because I just found out he makes $2.5 million a year at FoxNews (soon to be bumped to $2.7 million, and which, by the way, is only a fraction of what he actually makes) for saying the most ridiculous sh*t he can imagine. Now, I don't know how long you've been reading this particular blog, but I like to think I say some pretty ridiculous sh*t, too (I've mentioned the word "Nazi" a total of eight times!), yet here I type, making only dozens of pennies per year. Either I need to start mentioning Nazis more and associate them with something not very fascist at all, such as President Obama (like Mr. Beck did 134 times in the past year), or I need to get more readers interested in clicking on ads for Men's Speedos, Meeting Senior Singles, and, uh, supporting DC's Republican party. Hmm...

GODDAMMIT, Google Ads! Don't you have an algorithm in your system that takes context into account? When I went to the Restoring Honor rally in August, I didn't go because I believed in Glenn Beck's idiotic prophecies. I went because nine out of 10 suckers who attended that deep-fried American jamboree were dressed like the kids on the short bus.

But alas, that doesn't matter because I guess the old wive's tale is true. If you say Candyman type Glenn Beck three times in your mirror blog, he will appear. Or at least his Google-generated ads will. Which means, because there are maybe three registered Republicans in this town, all of whom I'm quite certain don't read this blog, the maximum sum of money I could make from these right-wing ads is about $0.79. Really, it's an unsweet irony -- Republicans and capitalism, apparently, don't mix.

And so, for that reason, from now on, whenever I want to refer to Mr. Beck, the GOP or the Tea Party on this blog I will use the following code names in hopes of generating better, more money-in-my-pocket-friendly ads. Glenn Beck will heretofore be known as Gladd Bag®; the GOP/Republicans will get the title of Smirnoff Ice®; and the Tea Party will now be named Poopy-Time Fun Shapes®.

And speaking of Poopy-Time Fun Shapes, they recently released a coloring book for kids. The publisher and copyright page describes it as: "A wonderful book of the Poopy-Time Fun Shapes for Kids! Teaches children (and parents) about the origins of the Poopy-Time Fun Shapes and what it involves...the Poopy-Time Fun Shapes Movement of Current Day is inspired by a protest that happened in Boston, Massachusetts in 1773.” It sounds wonderful.

But let's move on. Let's talk about a more local polarizing figure -- Michelle Rhee. I read the article about her in the NYT Magazine, as well, and I was a little confused by it. And no, I didn't grow up in the DC public school system, so it wasn't a reading comprehension problem. (ZING!) What I didn't get was how the author said that those who didn't like Michelle Rhee are just like those in the Poopy-Time Fun Shapes who don't like Obama. "[E]ven people who seemed destined to most benefit from the work of a committed reformer like Rhee...don’t like to get the message that their communities are on the wrong track." The author goes on: "This sentiment...runs through much of the chorus of opposition to President Obama and his reformist policies -- health reform in particular -- and it's easily tapped into by candidates who position themselves as plain-talking 'real people,' alternatives to the powers that be. Which explains, perhaps, why so many primary elections this year left some outside observers reeling, as was the conservative Washington Post columnist Charles Krauthammer, at the 'reckless and irresponsible' decision of key Smirnoff Ices to endorse Christine O'Donnell, who was backed by Poopy-Time Fun Shapes members, as the Smirnoff Ice Senate candidate in Delaware."

So, this author is saying Michelle Rhee is to Obama as Vince Gray (and anyone he might appoint who isn't Michelle Rhee) is to Poopy-Time Fun Shapes darling Christine O'Donnell? Really?? Because, whether you believe in Rhee's tactics or not, that's ridiculous. It's like saying a regular six-pack is to the Situation as a slight paunch is to this beer gut eating EZ-Cheez. (Holy sh*t, that is gross.)

And on that messy, messy note I'll let you carry-on with this rather dreary, slow Monday. I've got Google ads to click. And Nazis to mention!