Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Well, this sucks. I was hoping The Anti DC would get to 600 posts before DC got to 100 murders, but alas, I failed. Counting this post, I only have 595. Counting last night's murder in Petworth, DCist pointed out that DC's already at 103. I hate losing. And while I suppose I could've posted more often, The Anti DC is only one woman and a plastic turtle with a limited vocabulary. Really, there's only so much TADC's team of 'tards can do, while being able to also enjoy life's other wonders, like sleeping in, taking naps and going to bed early. And so here's another idea -- STOP KILLING PEOPLE.

Seriously, stop. And as if the notion of someone's trigger finger mucking up my writing goals isn't disturbing enough, when people go about their murders, they're also prematurely ending people's lives. That's all sorts of f*cked up. Sure, DC is a tough place to live (like New York, the rent is just too damn high), but I and common sense assure you that murdering will not make it better. I don't care how much you hate someone, murder is never the appropriate answer. In fact, it's a solution for stupid people. Really, it's the least funny revenge. A stream of seltzer water in the face or giving someone Exlax® and telling him it's chocolate -- those are much more clever and funny means of serving someone. Yes, it's time to get more creative and ask, What Would Bozo Do?

Certainly, Bozo wouldn't do Baltimore. That city makes DC look good when it comes to crime. They've already tallied 172 murders this year, making their murder rate about 27 per 100,000, compared to DC's 17 per 100,000. But alas, until both cities are zero per 100,000, I won't be happy and, sadly, we have a ways to go, as I believe funny prank statistics are inversely related to the murder rate. That is, before we'll see a decrease in killings, we'll have to see an increase in shaving cream pie-in-the-face incidents.

See? That wouldn't have been nearly as enjoyable to watch had Elvira been shot with a bullet instead of a pie. Also, we're all old -- Elvira turned 58 last month. Deal with that.

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