best use of work time ever...the experiment

My office is retardulous.* And of course, I mean that in the most awesome of ways. As it turns out, in a rather pathetic twist of fate, the only two reporters not engaged or married in my office are female (I know, I better start collecting cats and freezing my eggs -- TMI! -- now, right?).

So anyway, the topic last week was "Let’s get Marissa and her female coworker, Juice, to bring dates to the company holiday party." We thought about it, but then quickly rethought -- neither one of us knows anyone we hate enough to subject to the kind of torment that only an office that decks its halls with Putins in Flock-of-Seagulls hair can dole out.

And so, as visions of "Valentine for Perfect Strangers" danced in our heads, we initiated The Grand Sub-Par Blind Date Experiment of 2007.

Step 1: Put an ad up on Craigslist:

Do you like vodka and Polish sausage?

Two 20-something attractive females looking for dates to company Polish-themed holiday party this Friday afternoon.

Must be able to initiate awkward, possibly offensive conversations, that may end in drinks being thrown in people's faces. Bonus points for real or feigned physical ticks or mild Tourette syndrome to make our coworkers uncomfortable.

Alcoholics and native Eastern-Europeans welcome. Trendy Euro mullets or Flock-of-Seagulls haircuts appreciated. If you're gay, that's OK.

Please send a picture so we may judge you on your physical appearance. 'Tis the season!

Step 2: Wait for the replies to come pouring in.

And, man alive!, did they pour in. We received 14 within the span of 36 hours, 13 of which were accompanied by photographs and not all ugly! And I must say, while some of the responses scared the sh*t out of me, there were a couple that actually made me pause for a (split) second before deciding not to reply. Also, in a city so racially divided physically, it was kind of amazing to see the multicultural response our little ad elicited. We received responses from:

• 2 black men (one American and the other from Africa);
• 1 Hispanic guy;
• 1 dude from "the Mediterranean region;"
• 1 "fellow Euro trash" guy;
• 1 man who gave no information other than the fact that he goes by the name of "Kingmast;"
• 7 various white dudes; and
• 1 Middle Eastern fellow.

But on to the best part! In no particular order, here is a random sampling of some of our more entertaining responses and, of course, my feedback. And, while we're at it, let's just go ahead and preface all the italicized paragraphs with a giant SIC:

I love vodka, I love sausage, and I will dance to polkas. My mom even played the accordian. I have the bona fides! I don't actually have Tourette's, but I admired Andy Kaufman's alter ego Tony Clifton, and I have improvisational comedy experience. ... Please advise! Patrick

Dear Patrick: Your resume sounds quite impressive, as is the photo you attached of yourself dressed up like the Cure's Robert Smith. Thank you also for informing that your "skin is not naturally that pale."

I'm 24 and live in Fairfax, Va. I don't have trouble meeting women, it just most of my opportunities to meet new women our at bars, and those aren't the type of people I want to potentially date. And thats why I decided to check out craigslist. --Mike

Dear Mike: Wait, so let me get this straight. You're above meeting chicks you meet at bars but cool with going out with two sick freaks who posted an ad requesting their dates have Tourette syndrome? Yes? Oh, OK cool. Just wanted to make sure. PS -- Your command of English grammar and punctuation is superb.

Well hello there fellow Euro trash, the polska party sounds like it'll be a blast... feed me a few drinks and I can be as much of 'that guy' as you can handle... have you kids seen the tourettes boy before? Wow I almost peed my pants. I am home for the holidays and am definitely looking to break back into the sophisticated DC scene... this looks like the perfect opportunity... Tim

Dear Tim: I like that you're Eurotrash. That sh*t is tight. Your incontinence, however, could prove to be a party foul. Yet I am impressed with your ironic sense of humor -- "sophisticated DC scene." LOL! Good one, son. One last question -- this "Tourette's boy" you speak of, is he free?

I love vodka! -- Zach

Dear Zach: I am stoked you love vodka. I love vodka too. But I am concerned that you may not be old enough to imbibe this libation we both so very much adore. But call me in three years.

Hi, gails.
I actually do not like Vodca, I am a scotch man. OK, Here is the deal, if one of you need a date and/or if you would like to hook me up with one beautiful girl, I will come. And after the party in the evening the drinks will be on me. Sounds Like fun... Asrat

Dear Asrat: Actually, that sounds like the opposite of fun. No.

Nothing like a big buck ni**er hanging out, clogging arteries and getting drunk with a couple of pollacks. -- Edward

Dear Edward: You are clearly a very elegant and eloquent man. Move the f*ck over Robert Frost, Edward's sh*t is so much tighter. But for serious, Edward, I'm guessing maybe you actually do have Tourette's? If so, then you, sir, are invited.

Asshole! --Tariq

Dear Tariq: You had me at "ass." Your addition of "hole" shows me you care. You, sir, are hilarious on so many different levels. I mean, am I the asshole? Is that the Tourette's? You really got me thinking. And LOLing! Will you marry me?

Step 3: The Conclusion

As tempted as I was to actually write Tariq back, I decided against it. Now, before you get all riled up about my lack of follow-through, let me assure you that I came one click away from letting the proverbial Polish gowno hit the fan. But then something happened. Juice jumped across her cubicle, somersaulted over the five-foot periwinkle wall and windmill kicked the mouse out of my hand to stop me.

"Do you want to get fired?" Juice asked.

"Um....no. Not at the moment."

"Then we have to end this madness!"

"But Tariq...asshole...he's probably totally hilarious and awesome all the time and--"

"GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!"

Yeah, it went something like that. But to be brief like my new hero Tariq, we decided against bringing any of these assholes with us. And so we shall enjoy our vodka and Polish sausage alone, before we jet to the fertility clinic to freeze our eggs and later to Petco to buy cats.

*My made-up short version of "ridculously retarded." Merry Christmas. That's my gift to you.