Wednesday, December 5, 2007

i'll see your khakis and crocs in hell

DC fashion is dead to me. I guess I should've figured as much. I mean, the concept of "DC fashion" is an oxymoron, after all. Unless, of course, Dockers and Crocs are your thing. But those items aren't fashion, per se. Instead, they're more like boring -- and very ugly -- corporeal coverings. However, the descriptives of "boring" and "ugly" aren't exclusive to each other, I've observed. Each exists on its own separately in DC, which brought be to diagram The Anti DC Theory of Fashion. (See Figure 1.)

Figure 1

While I'd say most DC dwellers' "fashion sense" falls into the boring and ugly cross-section of the not-to-scale Venn above, there is a smaller subset that errs solely on the side of boring. These are the ladylike business casual cardigan sets paired with pointy-toed Nine West pumps and the drab two-piece men's suits paired with square-toed leather loafers. They don't look bad in the classic sense, they just look boring. You'll recognize these people easily. Or maybe you won't because they tend to blend in with each other. But I hear if you squint or stare hard enough, one may separate from the crowd, kind of like those optical illusion posters you loved when you were 12...or that you still love now. (See Figure 2.)

Figure 2
(Did you see the 3-D sexual predators? I did. Unfortunately, I didn't see Chris Hansen.)

The other large "fashion" contingent is plain butt ugly. To give you an idea of what I'm talking about, I present to you the winterized version of DC's favorite summer footwear, the Croc, which I have had the displeasure to see more than once this year. (See Figure 3, although I warn you, what you are about to see may make you lose faith in humanity all-together.)

Figure 3However, the bright and sunshine-y person that I am (What? You can't tell? Weird.), believes, nay, knows that there's got to be more out there. I mean, there are plenty of fashion blogs about DC, right? Right?? Anybody???

Well, there's at least one that I know of: Project Beltway. However, despite the concept, which is good and has been done probably most famously and well by The Sartorialist, something about the DC version just makes me sad. The problem is there's rarely anyone pictured who looks like he or she truly has a unique fashion sense. Take this post from Monday. The author clearly started off all right, snapping a picture of the accordian player. His sh*t looks tight. However, take a look at the second photograph. It's two girls dressed like every other girl in the United States right now. There's nothing necessarily wrong with the look and it's certainly not ugly, but it is extremely, very, so so soooooooo boring. It saddens me that a pair of not-even-tight-enough-to-tuck-into-boots jeans, tucked into run-of-the-mill riding boots and a hip-length Zara wool coat suddenly equals interesting DC fashion. Yawn. I'm bored even thinking about it.

But I'm a problem-solver so I'm milling over possibly starting an "Interesting Look of the Week" post on my humble, little bitchfest of a blog. But honestly? I think it might just be too difficult, unless I stood in a full-length mirror and photographed myself every week -- kidding! I'm not that much of a narcissist. Plus, I'm beginning to find myself erring toward the boring side of the Venn these days. DC is seriously sucking the life out of me. Lovely! Anywho...Have a super duper day!


Kiki said...

My lord I agree with you. I don't think there's enough fashion in DC to post a great look weekly, but could you promise to post when you *do* see one?

....those Croc boots are painful to look at. Just painful.

Marissa said...


I left my apartment optimistic this morning, camera in tow. So, I'm on the lookout. We shall see...

I'm sorry about the Croc boots, btw. I considered putting in a link, a kind of "click at your own discretion," but I really wanted to drive home my point so I decided to make the viewing of this most unfortunate footwear mandatory. As you attested to, DC just needs to know. But, ouch, mein eyes hath seen into the bowels of hell.

La Chingona said...

Dear god who art in heaven - I thought that picture was an Onion post - "The Marvelously Banal Fashion of the Beltway." Where is the ADVENTURE, people!!?!? Every day I get dressed for work (I work in a law firm), I am beseiged by the travesty of working in a place where I might get fired for the way I dress (or at least not be taken seriously) but never rewarded. Not saying I want to work in fashion, just a place that appreciates things like layering fishnet stocking and pairing a bolero jacket with wide leg herringbone wool pants. Is that too much to ask, DC??

Marissa said...

la chigona-

Unfortunately, it IS too much to ask in DC. Adventurous DC fashion seems to be trading in a single-breasted Brooks Brothers blazer for a double-breasted version. Ooo...outrageous!

But I say, continue to dress how you want and maybe one sweet, magical day the majority of pleat-clad DCers will come around.

I say that with such hope because I've been complimented on two separate occasions on a pair of grey suede ankle boots. Although, come to think of it, it still makes me nervous that DC seems to like them...hmmm, maybe I should just go ahead and throw those out...