if the white house is rockin' don't come a-knockin'

Recounting some ridiculous story about when some random dude hit on his gigantic ginger wife in front of him, Democratic presidential hopeful Dennis Kucinich told the Washington Post in a Dec. 5 article, "Now you know why I think I can be president? ... If I can marry this incredibly brilliant, beautiful woman, I mean, why wouldn't I think I can be president of the United States?"

Hmm, small man, what a concept because, I mean, it's not like it's that common for ugly, but rich and powerful men to wrangle willowy foreign women into marriage. How novel!

Ahh yes. Isn't sarcasm the best? But seriously, what an utterly moronic sounding statement to make. (Although, for the record, I do think he was joking...at least I hope.)

OK, I think it's time we have a full disclosure moment: I spent most of my early-20s living in Moscow, Russia, where, at one point, I worked as a paralegal for an American immigration lawyer. I did this for about a year in-between jobs as Embassy whipping girl and editor of a now-defunct English-language nightlife rag, in which I would tell tales similar to what I'm about to tell you now.

My main duty as a paralegal was to fill out K-1 fiancee visa applications for young, diaphanous teenagers and run them over to the U.S. consulate. After all, no one wants a little paperwork to get in the way of true love! And by true love, I mean, green card. Dang, I don't mean to be a cynic, but, um, mein eyes hath seen some sick sh*t. (OK, maybe one time out of 100, some 19-year-old village girl from Sergeev Posad really did want to marry her fleshy, 50-something, pock-marked, toupee-topped man-of-her-dreams because she was in love, but in most cases, the look of frightened dread shone through the feigned excitement.)

The most depressing "couple" I had to work with was a mail-order 17-year-old girl for a 61-year-old man. The paperwork for that was extra tough because, well, the union between a child and a swarthy old U.S. citizen isn't exactly street legal. After that, I soon realized my legal pimping days were over, so I left the law biz and never looked back.

Anyway, my point here is that tricking, er, I mean, wooing a young, good-looking woman into marriage qualifies old men for nothing, unless being qualified as creepy is their actual intention. Most definitely, although I'm sure Kucinich said what he did in jest, acquiring a young wife is not a reliable indicator of a qualifed president.

So instead, I'll chalk Kucinich up once again as just being a crazy old hippie. And actually, because of that, he and his wife may just be that one couple out of 100 that is truly, madly, deeply (Savage Garden, anyone?) in love. See, she's also a crazy hippie. And, as we all know, hippie love is ageless since hippie love is all about "soul connection" or some other such mystical tomfoolery.

To illustrate, let's once again turn to the Post, "The story of Dennis and Elizabeth Kucinich involves: Indian nuns, a bust of Ghandi, a portrait of 'conscious light,' a mystical opal ring, congressional legislation, an Indian guru and the meeting of souls. " And probably a lot of weed, although, strangely, the ol' wacky grass doesn't appear once in the 3,216-word Post article. Hmph. Glaring omission? I think so!