Thursday, December 20, 2007

i'll see dc public transportation in hell

The District's public transportation (PT) system is dead to me. Well, actually, it would be dead to me if I wasn't so damn poor. But, regardless, it's dead to me in my mind.

Like many others, I've become jaded, disenchanted and just plain pissed off at nearly every aspect of the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. I've had to wait up to 20 minutes for a train...during rush hour. (I mean, come the f*ck on! ) I've been on a bus that went the wrong f*cking way by turning right instead of left. ("No, ma'am, your other left.") And more than that, I've nearly been run down by errant (high) drivers at least three times. (Sadly, I'm one of the lucky ones.)

But the most ridiculously retarded -- retardulous, if you will -- aspect about DC's PT system is the idea of a bus schedule. Again, I'm not the first one to comment on this, but I feel the need to add my pithy remarks on the subject, especially against the backdrop of impending fare hikes and schedule changes.

And to begin my retardulous tale, allow me to allude to one of the great philosophical thinkers of our time -- The Golden Girls' Estelle Getty as Sophia Petrillo, "Picture it..." Washington, DC. 2007. A seasonably cold, dark day. I'm walking down Connecticut Avenue toward Porter around 5:15 pm. As I near the intersection I see the H4 pulling out of the stop. Damn. Just missed it. But, lo and behold, creeping up right behind it was the H3. Sweet. Perfect timing. Well, it would've been perfect timing if the bus driver didn't then gun the gas pedal and speed up to run the red light, nearly causing an accident. I mean, God forbid, buses try to stick to their schedules. Oh no, it's much, much better to make sure each bus is directly up another one's proverbial butt. I mean if this isn't the model of efficiency, what the f*ck is?! Unnecessary packs of buses that come only once an hour...DURING RUSH HOUR! Brilliant!

It really seems that DC strives to suck more than it already naturally does.

At this rate of suckage growth, I'm expecting that by the close of 2008 not only will the entire fleet of DC buses start traveling in one, singular pack one time per day, but in order to board, passengers will either have to endure getting bitch-slapped by the driver or offer their foot to get run over. Not tight.

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