Thursday, June 26, 2008

as long as my ninja weaponry isn't affected...

Oooo yippee! What a glorious day! Not only was the salad bar at the Van Ness Giant grocery store relatively untouched when I went to fetch my lunch earlier today, but I found out that I could've gone and picked up a firearm too since the Supreme Court struck down DC's gun ban! Oh, fine day!

Or wait...

See, I have a bit of an affinity for the firearm, it's true. However, at the same time, I have a strong distrust of people. Because they're stupid.

While I trust myself with a weapon (um, I think) I'm not so sure I trust this guy to have one. But then again, it's not like criminals -- and stupid ones, at that -- don't already have handguns, so, really, why shouldn't I be able to pack a little heat for self-defense? After all, there are some extremely sleek-looking firearms out there (you know, to go with your 24-karat grenade) that would fit nicely in my handbag.

Ahh, but then there's that tiny problem of conscience, I suppose. As cruel and heartless as I am, I'm not sure if I could ever shoot a human unless it was in one of those old-timey duels where we'd take 10 paces and draw on three to settle some sort of long-standing score that began with the exclamations of "Carpetbagger!" and "Rapscallion!" and ended with someone getting pansy-slapped in the face with a pair of fine leather gloves. In that case, it seems like a fair-and-square deal. However, when you're facing a criminal, it's a little different. I mean, I have no problem shooting skeet, or possibly even shooting an animal if I was going to eat it immediately afterwards, but just drawing a deadly weapon out of my bag within seconds and shooting a person? I'm much too calculating for that.

So, in short, I'm not exactly sure what I think of SCOTUS' ruling. I'm down with the Constitution, of course, but I'm not sure I'm down with even more idiots being able to legally carry weapons that could kill me if they mistook my reaching out for a hug as a call to arms (arms, hugs -- see what I did there?). Ha! Who am I kidding, I don't like human contact.

I just want to know one thing, can I still carry around a pair of Chicken Sickles? Or was that ever street legal? Forget I mentioned that. Carry on...

6 comments:

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

the SCOTUS term cracks me up everytime I read a law enforcement bulletin lmao

I-66 said...

...because it makes her think of scrotum.

It's okay to admit it.

Tippi said...

Your picture is from the Catropolitan Opera! Best coffee table book ever, no contest.

And I'm sure we will soon be enjoying your take on the consequences of allowing Hill employees [read: smarmy elitist frat boys] to play with guns during happy hour...

Marissa said...

cap hill--

Ahh SCOTUS. It's a fine, yet hilarious acronym. I also giggle at POTUS. I think it's the -US suffix.

i-66--

You are a nasty freak.

tippi--

I'll divulge a little secret -- I'm actually scared of cats. Like, straight up phobia. It's their eyes.

Stevious said...

I don't understand why you have to have the right to shoot someone?

If we ever get a constitution in Scotland I want the right to give people wedgies.

Marissa said...

stevious--

Now you're on to something. What's worse: a shot to the heart (Bon Jovi...heyyy!) or an atomic wedgie? Dang, I need to visit Scotland...