Wednesday, June 18, 2008

express -- i love you

Today, I shall take a break from (amusingly) hating everything around me and instead dole out a little love. And I'm not talking about the tough variety either. I'm talking about pure, unsarcastic, unadulterated love. Today, I want to tell the Express, the Washington Post's free daily, that I love it. And, apparently, it loves me (again...and again...and...)!

Damn photograph machine. Anyway, that's a shout out to my Monday gun show post. (Thanks, by the way, to whomever is in charge of their Blog Log feature, keep readin'!). And yes, while giving me copious amounts of attention is indeed the way to my black heart, the Express' love for me is not the only reason why I love it back. Nope. I love Express because the staff seems to have a sense of humor. The good men and women of Express don't seem to take sh*t too seriously. And sometimes, they're even assholes, and you assholes should know by now that I love a funny asshole!

For instance, check out the Express blurb on the wedding of country music star Sara Evans and former University of Alabama quarterback Jay Barker, also in yesterday's edition:

GODDAMN PHOTOGRAPH MACHINE! Since my technology fails and you may not be able to read this on the screen, I'll highlight the best part, which is located underneath the photo of the happy couple: "Someone we don't recognize has married someone else we don't recognize." Effing gold!

However, not everyone in DC is amused. Afterall, the Express is not for the weak tool at heart. Check out the letter to the editor published in today's paper, from one Marc LeGoff, who claims to be from the city:

SERIOUSLY TECHNOLOGY, WHY DO YOU HATE ME?! Again since, I suck at photographing newspaper clips, allow me to type for you Marc's letter:
Did your snarky editors really need to refer to country music star Sara Evans as "someone we've never heard of" in Tuesday's People section? ...Believe it or not, DC, Maryland and Virginia are home to thousands of country music fans. How about a little more balanced and descriptive headlines and photo captions, and a little less editorializing and child's play? I'm sure there are many Metro riders who are not familiar with Missy Elliott or Coldplay either.
Oh LeGoff. Where to start with you. For one, I will agree that there are probably "thousands of country music fans" in Maryland and Virginia. But in DC? I'm not sure if "DC resident" LeGoff gets here much, and if he does, I'm assuming he either stays within the comfounds of whatever dreary government office building he works in or checks out Adams Morgan on a weekend night. I'm sure if he dared venture out of where all the commuters from Virginia and Maryland work and go to where people live such as U Street, Columbia Heights, or -- country-music-star heaven forbid -- Anacostia, Jeff might find it difficult to wrangle up 100 people who knew who Sara Evans or what's his name is (See? I already forgot.), let alone thousands. And as for the people who've never heard of Missy Elliott or Coldplay? They don't live here. They live in Southern Virginia and they're named my mom. (Hi mom!)

But factual disputes aside, what I'm more concerned about (and perhaps what is more telling of why I hate DC -- oh, whoops, I take that thing I said in the first paragraph about not hating on DC back...), is LeGoff's apparent total lack humor. This "child's play" he speaks of? It's called sarcasm. And it's funny. The editorializing? Well, let's take a step back and examine what is being editorialized -- IT'S THE "PEOPLE" SECTION. We're not talking about goddamn peace in the Middle East, Darfur or, hell, even Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. We're talking about some C-list celebrity and her D-list husband. Dang. I feel bad for Jeff if he takes everything in life as seriously as he does country music stars' weddings. Must be rough.

And now, if I may address this paragraph to Mr. LeGoff personally, as I'm sure he may come across this one day tonight when he Googles himself, I want to thank you for doing your part to douche up DC. I need the blog fodder! But you know, "Jeff," if that is your real name, I'm beginning to think the douchiness of your letter is just a little too douchey. It almost seems...fake. In fact, to make my megalomaniac self a little more comfortable with having chosen to live in this region of the country, I'm going to imagine that it is and you planted that letter in hopes of seeing it on this blog. (I mean, I'm sure you must know about me with all of the Express' mentions of me *woot!*) Come on, no one's that big of a tool, right? Right, Jeff? *wink wink* (Keep up the good work!)


Velvet said...

I love me some country music, however, I doubt there are many fans in the district. Shit, they yanked the plug on CMT for christsake. But, it gets really rural really fast round these parts and yeah, 15 miles west of DC and it's all twang and boot scootin boogies.

Marissa said...

Interesting...DC-based country music fans do exist!

Now, here's my question to you, as a CM fan. Are you offended by the Express caption, or does my original belief that Jeff is a giant douche hold water (douche-water...ew...gross)?

Velvet said...

No. I agree with him. This is why I will continue to believe D.C. is the sad, pathetic younger sibling to a real city like New York. Making blanket statements saying they don't know who someone is, is so typical, disrespectful, "were so cool" D.C. type drama.

You'd never see the Express put some Capitol Hill dillweed up there and say they don't know who THEY are. But you know what? A hell of a lot more people care who Sara Evans is than who some asshole dipshit on the hill who is spending taxpayers money getting his cock sucked.

There. I said it so you don't have to!

The proof that someone (or a city) is self-assured and all that crap is when they are above making fun of and putting others down. Ooh. Let's make fun of the south and country music. We're so cool!

Ugh. makes me sick.

Marissa said...

Ahhh, Velvet. I disagree with our fundamental disagreement here. I guess I don't know for sure, but I don't think the gist of the joke, which apparently is not as universally funny as I thought, is that it's a country music star we end up ultimately laughing at -- it's a musician with very little name cachet. If it had been Billy Ray Cyrus or Garth Brooks or Carrie Underwood (all legit stars nearly universally), the joke wouldn't be funny. It wouldn't make sense.

In fact, I would venture to say that if it was, say, indie musician Chan Marshall (anyone?) getting married to some blue state college quarterback, the Express might have used the same caption. Now, I, being a fan of several indie singer/songwriters, would not get offended had that happened. I might roll my eyes at the lack of Express street cred, but I wouldn't get all hot and bothered and write a letter.

Be that as it may, however, it could be that I'm just incredibly hard to offend. Hell, the amount of time I devote to making fun of myself on this blog is testament to that.

I guess I'm an equal opportunity asshole. South, north, male, female, country, rock'n'roll. Everyone's on my shit list! Yay!

Gilahi said...

I recall the late, great, Lewis Grizzard (satiric humorist) writing an entire article about how the downfall of American society was caused by wimmen not making homemade biscuits for their husbands any more. He was able to get several more very funny articles out of all the hate-mail he got from very humor-impaired people.

Velvet said...

Well, okay, that could be. I thought everyone knew who Sara Evans was though because of that whole dancing with the stars / scandal with her husband downloading kiddie porn last year. And damn, she got divorced and remarried pretty fast.

Marissa said...


Did you see the follow-up letter in yesterday's paper? The saga continues!

Also, mon Dieu! I somehow managed to miss a juicy celebrity scandal? I guess I've never watched Dancing with the Stars...but perhaps I should start. That sounds like some serious shambles.

Marissa said...


True, some people have a harder time than others taking a joke. I might be the opposite. I have a hard time taking anything too seriously. Both can be problematic, I suppose. But I like to think I enjoy life more.

jodeegroupie said...

Marrissa, Marrissa, Marrissa! There are people of all ages and backgrounds who moved to D.C. (and who ride the subway, the main audience of the Express paper) from all over the country. While sarcasm, often referred to as the lowest form of wit, can be funny, it doesn't necessarily have to involve putting people down. You also may not be familiar with the gay country dance club on Capitol Hill (Penn. Ave., near the Navy Yard Metro stop) called Remington's. Stray out of your Gossip Girl comfort zone and go and visit it sometime with your friends. On any Saturday night, there will be 100 men and women there who will know exactly who Sara Evans is! Variety is the Spice Girl of life!

Marissa said...

One "R," two "S's" please.

I know there the makeup of DC's metro. I know enough about parts of DC where it's hard to find someone who's from here. I'm not. I'm from Minnesota. That being said, I still have no idea who Sara Evans is.

Second, my humor is not for everyone. True, I "put people down," as it were. But, at the same time, I put myself down, as well. I've said it before -- I'm an equal opportunity mocker. I will take issue, by the way, that there are "levels of wit." Talk about self-serving elitism...

Third, I will 100 percent go to this bar you speak of. As ma'gays know, I heart 'em, although I can guarantee you not one of them would ever set foot in the type of bar you speak of. Just as not everyone on the metro like country music, not every gay likes to do the Boot Scootin' Boogie. (Although do you hang there? I'm a bit afraid you my challenge me to a duel. Or just shoot me in the face. Ya don't seem to like me.)

And lastly, I wish to all that is old monied, that could stray intp a Gossip Girl comfort zone. Those bitches are loaded.

And I'm sorry I have to do this last one, but you've made it too easy: 1997 called, it wants its Spice Girl reference back. LOL!

Gilahi said...

I thought a PUN was the lowest form of wit. Heck, there are magazines ("The Onion") and TV shows ("The Daily Show"), even classics (anything by Jonathan Swift) that have been popular for many, many years based entirely on sarcasm.

But hey, I like puns too.