your flattop brings all the boys to the senate

As a professional reporter working in DC covering issues that pertain to the security of the so-called "homeland" [Sidebar: Why can't it be the Department of the Motherland Security? That's got so much more cachet.], I come across many a retardulous press release. Whether it be Customs and Border Protection confiscating some poor fool's "love potion", the Transportation Security Administration announcing its search for a laptop-sized Ziploc bag or the Federal Emergency Management Agency getting ill, I can always count on my Inbox for blog topics.

Take, for instance, a press release I received today from "Friends of Conley" entitled Democrat Looks to Oust Graham. First of all, who the f*ck is Conley? Second of all, who the f*ck is Graham? Well, upon scanning the subtitle, I began to find out: "'FlatTop' Bob Conley Wants to Shake Up Washington." Whoa. This Conley, Bob Conley, has a nickname and that nickname is FlatTop -- one word, two capital letters. Hardcore.

Naturally, I was intrigued. How does this "FlatTop" plan on shakin' things up? Let's find out:

Bob Conley of North Myrtle Beach [of course] is running a race for the U.S. Senate that focuses on the issues of everyday folks [like me?!]. Running on the Democratic ticket, Mr. Conley is making a name for himself both for hard-hitting proposals and his signature look: a flattop. [YES! But shouldn't the flattop be listed first, you know, before the "hard-hitting proposals" that Americans clearly don't care about?]

As Senator, Mr. Conley plans to help people with their most basic needs: gas prices, jobs, and peace. [Hmm...a hippie with a flattop?! Whodda thunk it!] With everyone feeling the pinch at the gas pump, Conley sets energy policy as his top priority. ...An engineer, he understands the great potential in developing the alternatives from sun and wind to water and biodiesel. [Well those are certainly groundbreaking ideas that could shake up Washington! Next thing you know, FlatTop will be parroting every other reasonable politician blowing everyone's minds by calling on the United States to draw down its forces in Iraq!]...

Mr. Conley feels it is important to support the troops and offers a simple solution: end the occupation and bring our soldiers safely home. [By jove, he said it! He really said it!]

Putting Conley's "hard-hitting" proposals aside, let's move on to how he'd really shake up the Hill...with his fabulous flattop! "I plan on joining Jon Tester (D-Mont.) up there to form the flattop caucus," said FlatTop. EFF YES! If ever a Congressional caucus should be willed into existence, it is the "Flattop Caucus." Not only would this lend Conley and Tester a serious amount of street cred, but it would appropriate on them a clout of epic coiffure proporations, which undoubtedly would culminate in Christopher "Kid" Reid being nominated for President and Duke Nukem for Vice President by the Flattop Party in 2012. May this blog post be the start of a fruitful campaign!

And sorry, Barack, that means you're only going to get one term. Unless you grow a flattop. Think about it.