shambles p.i. -- the HOLY SH*T edition

Today I present to you what might possibly be the first true sign that the Apocalypse is nigh. What I'm about to show you is so frightening, so sick, so wrong, that only Beelzebub himself could conjure it up. It's a triple threat of the worst kind -- a trifecta of ungodly elements coming together to form what can only be described as "HOLY SH*T! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON THERE?!" Yes, everybody, courtesy of my new e-friend, Ashley, The Anti DC is both ashamed and proud to bring to you a 20-something female, sporting torn nylons, which she doctored by cutting out a space to place her big toe so she could wear flip-flops to work. Again, HOLY SH*T! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON THERE?! (I warned you!)


Egad! Do you dare take a closer look? I will! (I'm a masochist, what can I say? Bring it!)


From this photo, you can clearly see the web-effect created by the hose, as well as the slightly darker color of the toes covered by the nylons and the big toe left bare. But, like I said, I wasn't the [un]lucky chosen one to witness this firsthand. Ashley was, and her recounting of this very bizarre "HS!WTFIGOT?!" incident reads a bit like a horror film:

I am walking, enjoying the beautiful weather, counting the number of women sporting Rainbows, Havianas, and Crocs when I notice the woman in front of me seems to have some sort of webbed toes. Naturally I speed up so I can see this freak of nature. As I get closer I realize that the webbing is actually pantyhose. With flip-flops. I am thinking, "How is that possible?" I mean, talk about toe wedgie. And then I see the horror. This 20-something woman is wearing pantyhose (with a sizable run in the leg, I might add) that she has altered so she can wear them with flip-flops. She had cut the big toe out of the pantyhose so she could navigate comfortably in her couture flip-flops. And obviously show off her 3-month-old grungy toe-nail polish that was half chipped off.

When I read this E-mail for the first time, my mouth dropped open. I literally went into shock for a hot second. All of this unnecessary ugliness is so avoidable, which is why it makes it so ridiculously infuriating. Although I've broken it down in the general sense already regarding its total retardulousness, allow me to remedy this situation in detail, in the slim chance that the definition of dishabille pictured above stumbles upon this bitchfest of a blog post:

1) It's effing hot. If you're under 40 and aren't currently broken out in hives, nude-colored pantyhose are incredibly unnecessary. Not only do they age you, but they often just look retarded. Especially when they're ripped.

2) Now, if you can't live without your flesh-toned nylons, say, you are broken out in hives, then here's what you do: DON'T WEAR OPEN-TOE SHOES. Now, this is not to discourage opaque tights and open-toe shoes. That sh*t can look tight. But old-lady nylons and open-toe shoes look wack together -- so wack, in fact, it's wacker than me using the word wack and that's pretty f*cking wack. Moreover, to choose a flip-flop as your open-toe shoe of choice? Words can barely explain how wrong that is.

3) But you're smart. You wanted to avoid the toe-wedgie, so you thought up a little trick to doctor your gnarly nylons. Smart. Real smart. Perhaps, you're even a genius. -- a blind genius, it would seem, but a genius nonetheless. Oh, eff it. You're insane, I tell ya! INSANE!