Friday, June 20, 2008

shambles p.i. -- the HOLY SH*T edition

Today I present to you what might possibly be the first true sign that the Apocalypse is nigh. What I'm about to show you is so frightening, so sick, so wrong, that only Beelzebub himself could conjure it up. It's a triple threat of the worst kind -- a trifecta of ungodly elements coming together to form what can only be described as "HOLY SH*T! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON THERE?!" Yes, everybody, courtesy of my new e-friend, Ashley, The Anti DC is both ashamed and proud to bring to you a 20-something female, sporting torn nylons, which she doctored by cutting out a space to place her big toe so she could wear flip-flops to work. Again, HOLY SH*T! WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON THERE?! (I warned you!)

Egad! Do you dare take a closer look? I will! (I'm a masochist, what can I say? Bring it!)

From this photo, you can clearly see the web-effect created by the hose, as well as the slightly darker color of the toes covered by the nylons and the big toe left bare. But, like I said, I wasn't the [un]lucky chosen one to witness this firsthand. Ashley was, and her recounting of this very bizarre "HS!WTFIGOT?!" incident reads a bit like a horror film:
I am walking, enjoying the beautiful weather, counting the number of women sporting Rainbows, Havianas, and Crocs when I notice the woman in front of me seems to have some sort of webbed toes. Naturally I speed up so I can see this freak of nature. As I get closer I realize that the webbing is actually pantyhose. With flip-flops. I am thinking, "How is that possible?" I mean, talk about toe wedgie. And then I see the horror. This 20-something woman is wearing pantyhose (with a sizable run in the leg, I might add) that she has altered so she can wear them with flip-flops. She had cut the big toe out of the pantyhose so she could navigate comfortably in her couture flip-flops. And obviously show off her 3-month-old grungy toe-nail polish that was half chipped off.
When I read this E-mail for the first time, my mouth dropped open. I literally went into shock for a hot second. All of this unnecessary ugliness is so avoidable, which is why it makes it so ridiculously infuriating. Although I've broken it down in the general sense already regarding its total retardulousness, allow me to remedy this situation in detail, in the slim chance that the definition of dishabille pictured above stumbles upon this bitchfest of a blog post:

1) It's effing hot. If you're under 40 and aren't currently broken out in hives, nude-colored pantyhose are incredibly unnecessary. Not only do they age you, but they often just look retarded. Especially when they're ripped.

2) Now, if you can't live without your flesh-toned nylons, say, you are broken out in hives, then here's what you do: DON'T WEAR OPEN-TOE SHOES. Now, this is not to discourage opaque tights and open-toe shoes. That sh*t can look tight. But old-lady nylons and open-toe shoes look wack together -- so wack, in fact, it's wacker than me using the word wack and that's pretty f*cking wack. Moreover, to choose a flip-flop as your open-toe shoe of choice? Words can barely explain how wrong that is.

3) But you're smart. You wanted to avoid the toe-wedgie, so you thought up a little trick to doctor your gnarly nylons. Smart. Real smart. Perhaps, you're even a genius. -- a blind genius, it would seem, but a genius nonetheless. Oh, eff it. You're insane, I tell ya! INSANE!


Beach Bum said...

In defense of the nude pantyhose... At my old job, back when I still worked in NYC, we HAD to wear suits. I have one of those body types that with a humongous ass & thighs and a proportionally much smaller waist, it is much easier for me to find skirts that fit, than pants, specially when it comes to suits -- the jacket would fit, but the pants wouldn't.

And our dress code was strict, if you're wearing skirts, then you MUST wear pantyhose...

And black pantyhose makes my legs look even more humongous than they are. And not all colors match the black pantyhose, which means, 90% of the time I would wear nude pantyhose with my suits.

I already admitted here to being a flipflop loving kind of girl (Havaianas are Brazilian after all, gotta represent!).

My one redeeming quality? I did have the sense to walk to work wearing my flipflops sans pantyhose (it was a 25 minute walk to 56th and 5th, and the flipflop & suit combo was much nicer than the flipflop & sneakers one, IMO), then when I got to the office I'd put on the pantyhose, ditch the flipflops, and trade them for pumps.

For me hose and sandals are always a no-no, regardless of their color. It sort of defeats the purpose of the sandals, no?

Marissa said...

beach bum--

Ahhh, interesting. A job that requires hose. In that case, then you really have no choice sometimes, I suppose. Be that as it may, however, there is no excuse for the nylons/flip-flops combo. I'm glad we agree on that. It's kind of like sandals and's pretty much a universal no-no.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

omg this was hilarious - I think you should come out with Shambles P.I t-shirts seriously.

Sell them at Potomac Mills - hehe

Smash said...

Yeah, unfortunately a lot of old school law firms FORCE women to wear pantyhose. But, I feel like if everyone went on a pantyhose strike, they'd cave.

I've been shamed by my mother for YEARS when she has chosen to wear nude hose with open-toed shoes. But, to see a young woman doing this is shocking.

Sky Walker said...

Its odd but unfortnately some companies and organizations (the feds included) have not signed the lax work dress code policy this summer. Gotta love it.

LivitLuvit said...

Nude pantyhose is as early 90s as the New Kids. Unlike NKOTB, however, it is not making a comeback. (I heart opaque tights, but that's a whole different animal.) To think that this (young!) woman went to such trouble to sport this atrocity... I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Marissa said...

cap hill--

Hmm.. I think you might be onto something with Shambles P.I. Ts. Perhaps even a Shambles P.I. romper. Oh, I can see the Shambles P.I. empire growing in my mind...


Wow. The things I don't know about working in a legit office. Meanwhile I'm wearing a variation of this. My office clearly has no dress code. Dang, I'm beginning to think I need a blog consultant.

sky walker--

I can see having a dress code regarding suits, etc., but nylons? They're pretty unnecessary.


Great analogy! To add to it: Like NKOTB, the nylons pictured are a little bit torn up...from the floor up! ZING!

LivitLuvit said...

Ha! Step by step... ooo baby, really think you need some style girrrrrl...

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