Friday, June 13, 2008

all hell's broken loose

You know, despite The Anti DC's steely cool demeanor and general pessimistic outlook on life, there are still a few things I look forward to on a near-daily basis. For instance, I look forward to not paying my taxes, going off the the grid, and fortifying myself in a compound in a remote locale one day. However, that pipe dream lives in the distant future, like, 2010 or something. So, for the present time, I find myself looking forward to the littler things in life like not having to ride the metro.

Seriously, DC's metro is a hot mess. It's definitional actually. I've seen a lot of metros in my time -- third-world metros -- and, while those metros suffer from the occasional suicide bombing (psshah!) or skinhead riot (double psshah!), not one of those metros has broken down because of ridiculously poor infrastructure.

For those of you lucky enough not to live in DC, the metro self-immolated twice today, jumped its tracks on Monday and died via electrocution last Wednesday, resulting in hundreds of thousands -- perhaps even millions -- of stranded douchebags and tools unable to get to their boring day jobs. However, scattered among the white-collar nightmare were a few objectively awesome readers of this smug little blog.

In fact, while I was enjoying watching some dude made of rubber dance and not working this morning, an E-mail popped up in my Inbox alerting me to these first-world-cum-fourth-world goings-on. And word on the information superhighway is that people were forced to exit the trains MacGyver-style in pitch darkness.

"I got off at Farragut West in pitch blackness and had to use my cellphone to see," wrote my new e-friend. "I was expecting to come out of the metro and see the Cloverfield monster wreaking havoc on medium-sized gray concrete buildings."

Man, if only the Cloverfield monster hated life more, then maybe he'd move here, but alas DC's gnarliest architecture is still standing. Also, I must add that I was delighted that my new e-friend did not say he used his BlackBerry to escape the madness. That's how I know he's good people.

Anyhoo, what the f*ck is happening to this place? The apocolypse? The rapture? Judgement day? Doomsday? Armageddon? Or, perhaps, since I'm just about out of synonyms for the biblical last day on Earth, maybe DC's public transportation system just plain sucks.

That's right, I've said it before, I'll say it now and I'm sure I'll say it again (lucky you!) -- I'll see DC public transportation in hell.

Have a good weekend and Godspeed.

OH AND THIS JUST IN: R KELLY IS A GODDAMN FREE MAN! I will add Trapped in the Closet Part III to my list of sh*t I'm looking forward to.

And, on a sad note, RIP Tim Russert. :(


Proustian said...

I gotta say...if the apocalypse means that I get to go home because the power is off and no one knows if and when it will come back on....then I'm all about it.

But seriously, as someone else who has lived in Moscow I must advise that it's unfair to compare the Moscow metro to almost other system, I mean there's no women in cubicles watching the wonder it can't run.

I-66 said...

The Information Superhighway? My 2nd cousin.

Sarah E. Moffett said...

9 people. That's how many people needed medical attention from climbing up the stairs at DuPont Circle's broken metro stop once the escalators and elevators broke. I can't decide if that means DC-ites are that out of shape or the weather is that apocalyptically hot.

Marissa said...


Oh my! We need to talk! When/where did you live in Moscow? I love talking about those shambles...


*ba-DUMB-ching!* ZING!


Wow. Well, Dupont's escalator is pretty long. And it was pretty hot. But then again, people are also generally pretty out-of-shape. This is quite the conundrum, indeed. If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Or, well, perhaps it's stay in the metro. I dunno.

maryjanejeff said...

Can't say I've ever been to Moscow but after reading this blog post I want to go. Best subway I've ever ridden was in Montreal. Clean, efficient, and half the stops seemed to have mini-stores right above them for the shoppers out there.

I guess in the 26 months I've lived here I've lucked out with Metro. I've only been caught in a station during a meltdown once. The fire near Braddock last year. The car I was in made it to Crystal City after a 15 minute delay, they told us they'd let us get off and use the restrooms. Me? See ya, free shuttles are an appreciated thought but time's money too so I made a mad dash for the 9A bus.

9 people needing medical attention: doesn't surprise me. I haven't used the Dupont Station too often, but I wonder if that number would have been even higher if it was Rosslyn. I timed that escalator once for the hell of it, it was 2:15 or more when it was working. I hope everyone ended up being okay.