Wednesday, March 11, 2009

get out of town!

Finally, the feds did something right. And I'm not just talking about designating the first week in April "National Asbestos Awareness Week," although I'm still left wondering when other silicate minerals will get their respective awareness weeks. TRY AS YOU MIGHT, CONGRESS, BUT YOU CANNOT, NAY, WILL NOT DENY GLAUCOPHANE AND ARFVEDSONITE FOREVER! BASTARDS!

But I digress, double chain inosilicates aside, what I'm typing about here is the $900 million that the U.S. Department of Transportation pledged in order to build the elusive "silver line" to Dulles International Airport. It's the mode of transportation those of us too poor to pay for a SuperShuttle but somehow rich enough to jet-set have been waiting for. Um, and apparently will be waiting for until 2015. Yay.

Regardless of the delays, though, this is exceptional news--righteous even--because, as regular readers should know by now, there's nary an activity this blog supports more than getting the f*ck out of this backwards village we call Washington, DC. In fact, I'm going to go out on a stalactite here and say that if DC were a silicate mineral, it would be grossular for the sole reason that "gross" is embedded in the word. Get it? DC is gross. And I mean "gross" as in "gnarly" not "gross" as in short for "grossularia," which means "gooseberry" in Greek and is what grossular, the actual mineral, is named after. Oofta! That was a mouthful. Of words, that is, and unfortunately not of delicious gooseberries. Too bad.

Well, now that that's cleared up let's move on to more important business. I am, in fact, getting the f*ck outta town, as I so eloquently put it earlier. I won't be leaving from Dulles, but I will be leaving on an aeroplane, which I am spelling that way to be extra pretentious.

And speaking of pretentiousness, my sojourn away from hell means that I (probably) won't be gracing you all with my e-presence for the rest of the week, which I'm sure you'll all weep over. Instead, I'll be spending my time poppin' bottles (or at least unscrewing them) and sipping the Champagne of Beers® out of an actual champagne glass because that's just the kind of class I like to propagate around here.

And, yes, that is a 40 oz. of Miller High Life being chilled on a block of ice as if it were a fine wine. A fistful of montmorillonite* and a personalized Anti DC Original E-Greeting Card For Those Who Want To Simultaneously Impress and Alienate® to anyone who can guess where I'm going!

*Clearly, I'm kidding about the fistful of montmorillonite. In tough times like these, I can't just go around giving away so carelessly my rainy-day stash of phyllosilicates that I keep hidden under my mattress. That just wouldn't be prudent. The Anti DC Original E-Greeting Card For Those Who Want To Simultaneously Impress and Alienate®, however, I can probably manage.


Anonymous said...

Bashkortostan? Chuvashia? (pv)

Too Tall Jones said...

Montmorillon, Vienne, Poitou-Charentes, France?

I love you, BTW.

patrick b said...

My guess...Boston for a haircut.

Marissa said...

Wow. Those are all excellent guesses, but alas, I am in Minnesota! It's cold. And snowy. And the elongated 'O's are flowing like Miller High Life 40's. Life is grand!

Anonymous said...

have a good time, eh? (pv)

random reader said...

Hey, just wanted you to know that you got at least one vote (mine) for Best Local Blog for Washington City Paper's Best of 2009 survey. And from a fellow Minnesotan, no less!

Marissa said...




That is TIGHT. Thanks! I love Minnesotans.

another random reader said...

please come back from the north soon! i miss my near-daily dose of well-written snark and the occasional bean recipe.

Marissa said...

Wow. I'm flattered by all the non-fellow-blogger attention. Glad to know my retarded smatterings of words are reaching out to the public-at-large slowly but surely. The apocalypse has arrived.

belmontpink said...

man oh man do i hear you about getting out of this backwards village as often as fucking possible...once upon a time had a dream with my bf to get out every 6 weeks or so NO MATTER woes and the rest. but no more. buses and trains are my new best friend! :) love yr writing styles, keep it going please.