Wednesday, March 18, 2009

i'm getting a bailout bonus!

All this talk about AIG is a little annoying. In fact, it's downright offensive. Why can't we just let those who failed to do their jobs adequately get money from the government? There's nothing wrong with a little welfare. Even if that welfare means getting a bonus for $6.5 million for totally f*cking our economy. So what! As if AIG employees were the first ones to receive money for failing! Just look at me!


What a fine screenshot capture...for a hawk. For those of you without the eyesight of an accipitridae, allow me to retype the "NEWS!" printed in red that popped up from the DC Office of Unemployment on my account summary this morning:

"It is our pleasure to announce that your weekly benefit amount has increased by $25.00 as a result of the Federal Stimulus Package. This increase is effective the week ending 02/28/09 and ends the week ending 07/03/10 and is based upon your continued eligibility for benefits."

While I hate to talk sh*t about money I'm receiving for no good reason (i.e., apparently this blog was just too cool for school, or rather too offensive for the workplace), I can't help but draw a parallel here. In essence, aren't AIG employees and I both getting rewarded for failure? Granted the former's failure affected the entire state of the nation, while mine simply affected the state of my personal finances, but, really, if you warp your brain a bit, drop any modicum of common sense and maybe get a little drunk, you'll see that these situations are simply two sides of the same devalued coin. We're both getting money for doing absolutely nothing!

Why is it OK to give a bunch of unemployed hobos (I can say that because I am one of them) stimulus money while we're seemingly embarking on a modern-day witch hunt of the rich? In fact, to really get all libertarian-crazy on you, I'll take it a step further: The former situation is possibly even more unjust than the latter. After all, the government is not contractually obligated to give me my $25 bonus each week. AIG was. Had AIG not paid those bonuses (or as I prefer to pluralize it, boni), the government would have probably had to spend more on a bailout to settle several thousand lawsuits than it did to simply follow the law (flawed as it may be) and do what modern American capitalism is designed to do in the first place, that is to make the rich richer. Good ol' freedom...

So where does this leave me and my reprehensible welfare? Well, I still have $9,000 more to collect and, considering I possess no true morals, I'll easily be able to ignore everything I just said and continue to happily cash your checks. (Thanks employed taxpayers!)

However, just because I'm raking in a fat $359 a week doesn't mean I'll continue to laze about rationing beans and watching Tyra Banks all day (I only do that from noon-1 p.m.). Oh no, I'm intrepid. I will continue to look for work. In fact, I just applied to work as a bike messenger. Why not? I own a bike. I own a bag. I use both on a daily basis. I might as well cash in on that.

Yet while delivering sh*t in a timely fashion sounds like a good temporary fit, I think my more permanent path might be peddling the SlapChop. And yes, I mentioned the SlapChop yesterday, but fear that not all of you clicked on the link. Even if you did, this clip bears repeating. Firstly, because of Vince, who, unlike derivative traders, is definitely earning every dollar he makes, and secondly, because of the SlapChop. It's not just about chopping sh*t, it's about making your life exciting via tuna salad. Also, it's about listening to what Vince says 55 seconds into the video and then listening to it again 50 more times (100 if you're unemployed).



"YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS!"

10 comments:

JFo said...

1. Great infomercial - thanks for sharing. As impressive as his nuts are, it's more impressive that this chopping device releases the sparkle and glisten from seemingly ordinary foods.

2. This is my current fave infomercial.

"Set it to cook and you're off the hook!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HrVWyj-XcbQ

3. And the remix:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0LDP8a-kEM&feature=related

Marissa said...

Like he said, your life won't be boring after the SlapChop comes into your life.

Now if only Mr. T and Vince would show up to make the perfect informercial storm...

Jack said...

This seems to totally misunderstand the nature of a stimulus. It's not to incentivize good behavior (theoretically, that's what state-directed capitalism is supposed to do, and that worked out just great), it's to redistribute funds with the goal of creating the largest multiplier of funds in order to spur demand. And since you will be buying primarily beans and beer (which have large multipliers as they are non-durable consumables and are produced domestically) you are doing your part to put America back onto it's narcissistic, free-spending track. go hobos!

Marissa said...

Wowza. So basically, it's really easy to outsmart me. See, I knew I put that caveat in there that to understand my logic you had to go against logic itself, as well as drink heavily. But agreed, GO HOBOS! I think this blog just found a mascot.

Dave said...

In theory, though, people fired for cause are not eligible for unemployment. So, if you fuck up and get canned, you don't get to live off the govt teat. Unless you really piss off an employer, though, they generally won't challenge your collection of benefits.

So, the idea is that unemployment goes to you losing your job for reasons other than failing at your job. So it's not exactly like AIG.

Patrick B said...

http://cyberhobo.com/signs/hobosigns.html

maryjanejeff said...

Bike messenger work would be fun and healthy if not for the self-indulgent, self-important idiot drivers here. It would be a ton of fun otherwise.

Marissa said...

dave--

Like JFo, you have also wasted no time outsmarting me. Fair enough. I admit I left a few very wide loopholes in logic there.

patrick--

You just changed my life.

mjj--

Half the fun is dodging the cars. It's like that old Nintendo game paperboy. Unfortunately, I can't find a company that is actually hiring right now...

maryjanejeff said...

I remember Paperboy! That game was even cooler than Frogger and the Seinfeld Episode where they played Frogger. Viva 80s video games! Screw the modern ones with 145 buttons to remember, that's hard work.

Dodging cars is fun, just not here. Never had to dodge cars in the hinterlands because you just made sure it was safe to walk/ride and just went. But if you were in a crosswalk they would usually respect that, unlike here.

Marissa said...

mjj--

Yeah, riding here can get dodgy at times for sure.