All this talk about AIG is a little annoying. In fact, it's downright offensive. Why can't we just let those who failed to do their jobs adequately get money from the government? There's nothing wrong with a little welfare. Even if that welfare means getting a bonus for $6.5 million for totally f*cking our economy. So what! As if AIG employees were the first ones to receive money for failing! Just look at me!
What a fine screenshot capture...for a hawk. For those of you without the eyesight of an accipitridae, allow me to retype the "NEWS!" printed in red that popped up from the DC Office of Unemployment on my account summary this morning:
"It is our pleasure to announce that your weekly benefit amount has increased by $25.00 as a result of the Federal Stimulus Package. This increase is effective the week ending 02/28/09 and ends the week ending 07/03/10 and is based upon your continued eligibility for benefits."
While I hate to talk sh*t about money I'm receiving for no good reason (i.e., apparently this blog was just too cool for school, or rather too offensive for the workplace), I can't help but draw a parallel here. In essence, aren't AIG employees and I both getting rewarded for failure? Granted the former's failure affected the entire state of the nation, while mine simply affected the state of my personal finances, but, really, if you warp your brain a bit, drop any modicum of common sense and maybe get a little drunk, you'll see that these situations are simply two sides of the same devalued coin. We're both getting money for doing absolutely nothing!
Why is it OK to give a bunch of unemployed hobos (I can say that because I am one of them) stimulus money while we're seemingly embarking on a modern-day witch hunt of the rich? In fact, to really get all libertarian-crazy on you, I'll take it a step further: The former situation is possibly even more unjust than the latter. After all, the government is not contractually obligated to give me my $25 bonus each week. AIG was. Had AIG not paid those bonuses (or as I prefer to pluralize it, boni), the government would have probably had to spend more on a bailout to settle several thousand lawsuits than it did to simply follow the law (flawed as it may be) and do what modern American capitalism is designed to do in the first place, that is to make the rich richer. Good ol' freedom...
So where does this leave me and my reprehensible welfare? Well, I still have $9,000 more to collect and, considering I possess no true morals, I'll easily be able to ignore everything I just said and continue to happily cash your checks. (Thanks employed taxpayers!)
However, just because I'm raking in a fat $359 a week doesn't mean I'll continue to laze about rationing beans and watching Tyra Banks all day (I only do that from noon-1 p.m.). Oh no, I'm intrepid. I will continue to look for work. In fact, I just applied to work as a bike messenger. Why not? I own a bike. I own a bag. I use both on a daily basis. I might as well cash in on that.
Yet while delivering sh*t in a timely fashion sounds like a good temporary fit, I think my more permanent path might be peddling the SlapChop. And yes, I mentioned the SlapChop yesterday, but fear that not all of you clicked on the link. Even if you did, this clip bears repeating. Firstly, because of Vince, who, unlike derivative traders, is definitely earning every dollar he makes, and secondly, because of the SlapChop. It's not just about chopping sh*t, it's about making your life exciting via tuna salad. Also, it's about listening to what Vince says 55 seconds into the video and then listening to it again 50 more times (100 if you're unemployed).
"YOU'RE GONNA LOVE MY NUTS!"