you're gonna love my nuts

Well, I'm back from my homeland where, don't you know, I managed to pick up my old accent. Oofta! Hot dish!

It's really a beautiful thing. Or at least beautifully irritating. Oh yah.

However, while I wasn't exaggerating my vowel sounds and talking about Jello casseroles, I was exaggerating my vowel sounds and going to some pretty sweet places and learning what I think most of us already knew -- Minneapolis is way more legit than DC, and not just because it hosts the Town Talk Diner, which serves its 40 ounces on ice and its PBR cans in cozies, although that is just about enough to make any city cool. But no, what I'm referring to is the general feel of the city. See, unlike DC, which is a soulless, concrete succubus, Minneapolis actually has an identity that doesn't begin and end in a chili restaurant. (No offense, Ben's Chili Bowl, but one longstanding establishment does not a legitimate city make.)

To illustrate this comparison I've formulated yet another example from my generic knowledge of both Minneapolis and DC: Purple Rain, starring Prince (!), was filmed in Minneapolis. St. Elmo's Fire, starring a bunch of has-been assholes, was filmed in DC. Let's see -- awesome rock star vs. a bunch of brats who need acting lessons. Rock star wins.

But I digress, this comparison is rather pointless as I'm pretty sure I can compare DC to any number of things and DC would always lose. Think about it: National Asbestos Awareness Week -- DC loses; the SlapChop infomercial ("You're gonna love my nuts.") -- DC clearly loses; a rabid raccoon -- DC loses; armed terrorists -- OK, this one is too close to call. But threats to our lives aside, I'm guessing if you're not profoundly retarded (that's the technical term, look it up!), you get what I'm saying. DC sucks. Duh.

More importantly for this post, however, I want to emphasize that Minneapolis pretty much rules. Besides the Town Talk Diner, there's Grumpy's (if you order an appetizer, note that you will not need to order a meal), First Ave. (featured in Purple Rain, mind you!), Pot O' Gold Bingo Hall (although, unfortunately, I missed this establishment this time around), Zantigo, the best little Mexican fast-food dirthole restaurant around, and even the Mall of America, which never fails to give me a headache, but mostly because I have to leave my pistol in the car.


Not having my gun handy became extraordinarily frustrating when I ran into several large Lego® dinosaurs because, naturally, I wanted to shoot them. Luckily, I quickly realized they weren't live big game, so I used my camera to shoot them instead. (Get it? Har har!)






Now that's some Lego® art! And speaking of art, we also made our way down to the Walker Art Center's sculpture garden, where I found this:


They popped the cherry off the spoon! Damn maintenance. But at least my footprint may be forever immortalized (well, until April) in the refreezing ices and snows of the North.


And if that's not enough to convince you of Minneapolis' superiority to DC, entertain this: You can get a 1 bedroom apartment (not a studio, mind you) in one of the coolest areas of town for UNDER $700. Oh yah, just think about that next time you find yourself getting shot while going home to your tiny basement apartment in the ghetto or the "group house" you share with 314 other people. Oofta, indeed.

Oh and lest I forget it's St. Patrick's Day today, please accept this Anti DC Original E-Greeting Card For Those Who Want To Simultaneously Impress and Alienate as my welcome home e-gift to you. Greetings!