Tuesday, March 17, 2009

you're gonna love my nuts

Well, I'm back from my homeland where, don't you know, I managed to pick up my old accent. Oofta! Hot dish!

It's really a beautiful thing. Or at least beautifully irritating. Oh yah.

However, while I wasn't exaggerating my vowel sounds and talking about Jello casseroles, I was exaggerating my vowel sounds and going to some pretty sweet places and learning what I think most of us already knew -- Minneapolis is way more legit than DC, and not just because it hosts the Town Talk Diner, which serves its 40 ounces on ice and its PBR cans in cozies, although that is just about enough to make any city cool. But no, what I'm referring to is the general feel of the city. See, unlike DC, which is a soulless, concrete succubus, Minneapolis actually has an identity that doesn't begin and end in a chili restaurant. (No offense, Ben's Chili Bowl, but one longstanding establishment does not a legitimate city make.)

To illustrate this comparison I've formulated yet another example from my generic knowledge of both Minneapolis and DC: Purple Rain, starring Prince (!), was filmed in Minneapolis. St. Elmo's Fire, starring a bunch of has-been assholes, was filmed in DC. Let's see -- awesome rock star vs. a bunch of brats who need acting lessons. Rock star wins.

But I digress, this comparison is rather pointless as I'm pretty sure I can compare DC to any number of things and DC would always lose. Think about it: National Asbestos Awareness Week -- DC loses; the SlapChop infomercial ("You're gonna love my nuts.") -- DC clearly loses; a rabid raccoon -- DC loses; armed terrorists -- OK, this one is too close to call. But threats to our lives aside, I'm guessing if you're not profoundly retarded (that's the technical term, look it up!), you get what I'm saying. DC sucks. Duh.

More importantly for this post, however, I want to emphasize that Minneapolis pretty much rules. Besides the Town Talk Diner, there's Grumpy's (if you order an appetizer, note that you will not need to order a meal), First Ave. (featured in Purple Rain, mind you!), Pot O' Gold Bingo Hall (although, unfortunately, I missed this establishment this time around), Zantigo, the best little Mexican fast-food dirthole restaurant around, and even the Mall of America, which never fails to give me a headache, but mostly because I have to leave my pistol in the car.

Not having my gun handy became extraordinarily frustrating when I ran into several large Lego® dinosaurs because, naturally, I wanted to shoot them. Luckily, I quickly realized they weren't live big game, so I used my camera to shoot them instead. (Get it? Har har!)

Now that's some Lego® art! And speaking of art, we also made our way down to the Walker Art Center's sculpture garden, where I found this:

They popped the cherry off the spoon! Damn maintenance. But at least my footprint may be forever immortalized (well, until April) in the refreezing ices and snows of the North.

And if that's not enough to convince you of Minneapolis' superiority to DC, entertain this: You can get a 1 bedroom apartment (not a studio, mind you) in one of the coolest areas of town for UNDER $700. Oh yah, just think about that next time you find yourself getting shot while going home to your tiny basement apartment in the ghetto or the "group house" you share with 314 other people. Oofta, indeed.

Oh and lest I forget it's St. Patrick's Day today, please accept this Anti DC Original E-Greeting Card For Those Who Want To Simultaneously Impress and Alienate as my welcome home e-gift to you. Greetings!


Stevious said...

So does everyone in Minneapolis talk like the people in Fargo?

If so I might have to go and live there.

Marissa said...


Shelley said...

We're not *that* bad. My accent can get thick at times but not even my relatives up in northern Minnesota talk like they do in the movie Fargo.

I just stumbled upon your blog because I was looking for some DC bloggers. I'm moving to DC for a year and this post is making me wish I were moving back to Minnesota like I had originally planned before I got a job down in DC. Minneapolis is awesome but I think I'll have fun in DC... even if it costs an arm and a leg to do so.

Marissa said...


I must admit I am not a very good DC spokeperson. There is some stuff to do here, sure, but this city definitely lacks a soul or something. Something is definitely missing. I'd check some of my blogroll links for a better perspective. Or something like DCist or Brightest Young Things.

FoggyDew said...

Sounds like a fun place. What did you do after your three-hour homecoming tour was done?

Truthfully I've never been to Minneapolis and my only view of the city is through John Sandford's "Prey" novels. But authors usually write what they know and it seems like there's an awful lot of serial killers up there in the North.

Marissa said...

Murder shmurder. Minneapolis is awesome. The activity I left out is playing Mario Cart on the Wii. That might be the best video game ever.

Peter said...

Have you experienced Al's Breakfast, the best goddamn breakfast joint on the planet, bar none? I'm not even joking. Dinkytown, check it out:


matt said...

I second Peter's comment concerning Al's... It's the best, Marissa. The BEST!
I walk past the Lego store about 4-5 times a week. I gotta tell you... making it safely past, then firing up the laptop and seeing them again? Made me a little jumpy.
Glad to have you back on the interweb, though!

Marissa said...


Heard of it, but never been. Next time. Which I hope is soon. I love the Cities.


Duly noted on Al's. Sorry to upset you with Legoland. The MOA makes me kind of jumpy too.