Thursday, March 26, 2009

house me

I hate responsibility, which is probably one of the reasons why I am so good at being unemployed. I'm really good at taking naps. I'm an excellent bad television watcher. And I am exceptionally talented at going to museums and making friends with prehistoric creatures:

Hi, friend!

Doesn't he look like a gentle soul? I met him in New York this weekend. You don't find these kinds of gentle souls while being a reporter on the Hill, I tell you what! Anyway, this giant tortoise skeleton's name is Dewey, which also happens to be the name of my niece. And wouldn't you know it, my niece also happens to be a tortoise! Of course, she's not related to me by blood, as I don't believe any of my kin carries the tortoise gene (to our shame); instead, she's adopted, but I don't think my brother or sister-in-law have told her. Anyway, here she is, doing what most babies (and tortoises) do best -- chewing on random sh*t:


And speaking of family, Dewey's parents recently went to Florida where my sister-in-law bought what might be the coolest, or more appropriately (wait 'til you see it), "most boss" item to be found in a Goodwill store in the history of ever:

However, owning a jacket this boss could be tough, as I can only imagine, much like raising a tortoise (and having a fulltime job), wearing this much freedom on your back entails a great deal of responsibility. You can't just pop this on and walk out the door. I imagine to sport this properly, one need also don a trucker hat, a gun holster and a belt buckle large (and boss) enough to depict a trucker in a hat holding a gun. Moreover, I'm pretty sure wearing something as boss as this also requires you sleep each night naked wrapped in an American flag, which means, despite my lack of those other boss accessories, my sleeping habits allow me to be at least boss enough to view such a boss item. That reminds me, it's time I put away my winter flannel flag in exchange for a much more spring-appropriate cotton one. No one likes waking up in a cold sweat. That's not boss.

Unless you're a tortoise. Apparently, they can be stored for months in the fridge. Now, that's boss. And maybe I'd look into adopting my own tortoises to live in the vacant spaces of my refrigerator, but, unfortunately, it looks like I may not have my own fridge for much longer. See, I need to move out of my studio apartment, which shouldn't be that hard considering I will have no tortoises to transport or much bedding to move (just the two flags).

And while eventually I'll type "I need to move" followed by the phrase "out of this hell hole," right now I simply mean I'm looking to move into a cheaper DC abode...with (gasp!) roommates. Which, I suppose, could be boss. And don't get me wrong, it's not that I can't afford my hobo lair anymore, but with big plans coming up this fall, which may or may not involve an around-the-world trek in search of my very own boss Signature Marine Co. windbreaker and finding good homes for wayward tortoises, it's time for me to start tucking away some cash between the folds of my mattress and Old Glory (the cotton one). The $25 stimulus bonus I'm getting each week courtesy of President Obama just isn't cutting it. So now I'm looking for a new spot under $700 starting in May. So, if you know of anyone with a room cheap enough to house an unemployed rogue blogger with dreams of becoming a badass jacket-wearing, tortoise-rescuing bike messenger, drop me a line. That'd be super boss.

In the meantime, I'll be spending my days scouring Craigslist, where I will continue to be disappointed because of all the un-boss ads like this:

$600 ******Beautiful room for rent******* affordable

Reply to: [redacted]
Date: 2009-03-26, 11:54AM EDT

Don't spend Inauguration week commuting for hours! I offer a suite on Capitol Hill, FOUR BLOCKS FROM THE CAPITOL BUILDING and Obama's swearing-in ceremony, 4 blocks from the metro, and two blocks from historic Capitol Hill bars!!! No cars, buses, train tickets needed -- just wake up and go to all the events and trendy bars/restaurants at your leisure. This beautiful, fully-furnished 2 br suite at 4th and E. Capitol SE is available...

Let's see here. This ad was put up just before noon today. Now, I never claimed to be the most punctual of people, but I do believe this ad is a good TWO MONTHS TOO LATE. So, yeah. Like I said, if you know of any rooms for rent IN THE PRESENT TIME, I'd greatly appreciate a head's up.

In closing, I would like to add that I was just giving you the business about me not being responsible. I love paying bills on time, paying rent on time and cleaning up after myself. Seriously. I'm boss like that.


Anonymous said...

You should just find a man and marry him.

belmontpink said...

i might know about a place...4th and elm NW, would be living with a new mom and an infant though, a lovely new mom and an infant though...interested? its cheep.

Anonymous said...

Any interest in subletting a Crystal City studio for a few months? It would give you more time to look for a permanent place!

Peter said...

Parks are nice. Benches. And it's free!

Marissa said...

anon 11:43--

Only if that many can get down with my hobo tendencies.


I'm not sure I'm responsible enough to even breathe near a baby, but email me with the details if you have time.

anon 3:09--

What's the cost? I'd much rather stay in the vicinity of the District as it helps with keeping up my discontent with this place, but if the price is right, I could consider it...


That's definitely Plan B.

Anonymous said...

Young lady, I'm sure that you can find a man. When I was your age I thought finding a man was so hard, but the reality was that I knew all sorts of men. I just wasn't paying attention to them. I had an image of an ideal man in my mind and only had eyes for that ideal. Eventually, however, I realized that the ideal would never come and I married my dear Frank. We have been together for 30 bliss-filled years. You need to find your Frank. Besides, if you were married you wouldn't have to be a hobo in the first place.

Marissa said...

anon 3:32--

Well, since I don't talk about my personal life online, I won't be too specific regarding my specific situation. But rest assured, anonymous older friend, I'm doing A-OK in that department. And I'm not just talking about my helper tortoise, Vladimir, either, although he really is a terrific consigliere. Also, I'll reveal that his name isn't Frank, although I do honestly love that name. It's so old-timey. Btw, I am happy you found your Frank.

I must disagree with that last comment, however. You said, "Besides, if you were married you wouldn't have to be a hobo in the first place."

But what if I married another hobo?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

Well bless your heart! I just assumed that all your swearing was keeping the men away. Remember, nice boys don't like girls who sound like sailors.
Have a nice day!

Marissa said...


Nice boys are boring, though, so it's actually a good way to weed them out! Take it easy, Myrtle!