Do you ever find yourself standing upright one minute, leaning nonchalantly against your bike like James Dean would a wall only to find yourself sprawled out on the floor the next minute, bike and limbs all askew with a couple of scrapes on your ankle? No? Well, I do. Or rather I did. Yesterday to be exact. Some will deduce that I'm just extraordinarily clumsy while not moving (weirdly, I've never fallen off my bike while in motion; in fact I'm quite stealthy on it when it comes to dangerously weaving in and out of traffic). Others (and by others I mean me) will reason that this unfortunate fall (or fortunate if you were the lucky sole observer of this action) was simply a natural reaction of post-traumatic-stress disorder. Or as we fallen soldiers usually call it PTSD.
Not to make light of war, but the revelation that caused my PTSD-like reaction calls for such a dramatic metaphor because what I'm about to say is truly shocking. See, I found something cool in Georgetown. I told you it was heavy. And I'm not even being ironic, sarcastic or otherwise jackass-y. Nope. I'm serious. Dead serious. War serious. I found a legitimately cool spot in the epicenter of douchedom -- CycleLifeUSA.
Located at the very south end of the Chesapeake & Ohio Canal Trail, which I plan to camp on sometime in the middle of next week to see what my hobo lifestyle will really be like when I stop paying rent, the Cycle Life shop is not only a bike shop with some of the nicest and most helpful employees I've ever met in DC (this is a big deal as good customer service here usually means simply not getting punched in the face), but this joint also has a delicious juice bar and a gym inside. And while, clearly, that last part does not interest me as I don't see the point in indoor gyms when you can bike and run outside, the former -- the delicious juice bar -- is pretty damn sweet, especially after riding the trail. My mango-peach-strawberry-pomegranate smoothie was so damn good I was floored. Literally.
Moving on, however, I want to discuss a topic that really put my circuitry and wires on the fritz today -- politicians are now on TMZ. For those of you who live outside the country or for those of you in this country who are simply profoundly retarded, TMZ is a show that brings what paparazzi do to the small screen. Most of the time you get to see Lindsay Lohan sniffing coke, Paris Hilton sniffing coke, or Mel Gibson hating Jews (which he probably does after sniffing coke). Today, however, it's not uncommon to see your local senator or representative simply being a tool. As if we needed further confirmation of this. Oh look! Politicians refuse to say anything definitive or make jokes because they're scared to piss off their constituents! Wowzers. For once, I'm convinced sniffing a little coke would actually make these people less douchey. For example, when jokingly asked by TMZ which mattress politicians would recommend their constituents store their money under, only Rep. Denis Kucinich (D-Ohio) was able to give a definite response. He recommends a Serta. All the other politicians refused to specify because, douche forbid, they say one brand only to anger one or two assholes in their districts that sleep on another. Or who don't own mattresses. Or whatever.
This culture of neutrality, political correctness and not taking a sides (even if it's clearly a joke and has no meaningful ramifications) explains why things suck so hard in DC. The people in charge are scared of their own opinions. They're scared of humor. Most of all, they're scared of what other people may think of them. We're in a culture here where not having any personality is suddenly the most coveted characteristic in a human being. At least publicly. And it's ridiculous. More ridiculous than falling down while standing still.
So far, TMZ, which is known for catching people off guard, has failed to show any politician not acting like a complete douche, which further confirms my opinion that to be a politician one must not only act like a douche, but actually be a douche.
I guess there is a bright side to learning what I'd already suspected and not only because I'm proven right again. Nope. Hopefully, once TMZ learns that there is nary a smidgen of humor in this town they will turn their attention back to Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. It's about time those kids got caught sniffing coke.
More importantly, the last thing politicians need is to be treated like actual celebrities. Lest we forget, these douchebags are public servants by law. And just because they no longer serve the public as much as they serve themselves (giggity), it's no reason to equate them with the likes of Britney Spears. Although, in all honesty, she's probably just as qualified to hold office as Al Franken (D-Minn.). I will never forgive him for kicking, Norm Coleman, the hottest man to ever grace the legislative branch with his presence, to the curb. Ever.
The only thing that can cheer me up now is a delicious smoothie. A Norm Coleman smoothie!
And so, since it's apparently come to that, I will sign off the e-Web until next week and not solely to cry about the lack of Norm in my life (although that will take up the next 24 hours). In the other 72, I'll be heading to New York City, where, unlike Minneapolis, I probably won't be popping a 40 oz. bottle of Miller High Life and then sipping it out of a champagne glass in a classy restaurant. Instead, I will simply drink it out of a paper bag on the street because New York City is expensive. That's right, if I fall down while standing still again, I'm gonna do it for the right reasons -- public intoxication. Which reminds me of tomorrow, the first day of spring. If ever there was a non-holiday perfect enough for an Anti DC Original E-Greeting Card For Those Who Want To Simultaneously Impress and Alienate, this is it. So, please, in lieu of my impending absence, accept this original e-card as a token of how much I will miss both impressing and alienating you tomorrow. Ciao!