Tuesday, June 30, 2009


I've been having trouble sleeping lately. And not just because my mind refuses to rest until I've watched Michael Jackson's greatest video hits nightly before bed. (R.I.P., King of Pop, you will always be my first crush. Hey, it was 1983 and I was four.)

Nor is it because apparently I'm only the fourth funniest blogger of all time. (Wait, how am I on that list at all? I'm honestly flattered.)

And nor is it because I've recently discovered the best show on television, Dexter, which is physically impossible to stop watching. (A likable sociopath? There's hope for me, after all! Just kidding, like MJ, I will only murder you on the dance floor.)

But speaking of homicide, the reason I can't sleep lately is because DC's murder rates are down. Actually, I suppose that's good news. At least it would seem to be. According to the Post:

"With 2009 half over, the number of homicides reported by police in the District -- 66 -- is 20 percent below last year's figure and is on pace to be the lowest yearly total in decades."

Well, that certainly does sound promising. Tell me more!

"If the homicide rate continued through December, the total for 2009 would be 134. That would be 52 fewer slayings than last year and 47 fewer than in 2007. It would be 35 fewer than in 2006."

Hey, this sounds great actually! I want to learn about more statistics that might make me not hate this city as much as I do now!

"The number of homicides in any given jurisdiction has been linked to so many factors that it is almost impossible to predict the rate in any given month based on the rate in the month before."

Wait, what?

"In addition, criminologists say that the rate of killings often rises during the summer months. Reasons include longer days, which send more people outdoors. Summer's heat also has been linked to an upsurge in violence."

Oh. So, basically, the Post is saying, there will be blood? But without the awesomeness of Daniel Day-Lewis' epic early-twentieth-century mustache?

How am I supposed to fall asleep with that in mind? And not just the mustache part, but the murder part! Dexter needs to move to DC. Just kidding! Murder is wrong. Which is precisely why that show (and book, which I'm almost halfway through) is so damn great. Like Nietzsche, it makes you question your own morality compass and your views on right and wrong.

However, there's nothing questionable about DC. This place is clearly just wrong. Not only do I still need to worry about being murdered this summer, but I'm saddened to know that people in DC are still getting fired for telling jokes online. The latest victim according to the Post, David Le, was canned by the DC Department of Employment Services for his activity on Twitter. This story hits close to e-home for obvious reasons. However, instead of erring on the side of rape jokes a la moi, Le opted to call Anacostia "ghetto." Specifically, he twatted, "In america's ghetto anacostia... If I get scared i will just yell chinese carry out! They will not shoot me."

Hmm. Suddenly I could really go for some Kung Pao Chicken.

Well, turns out Le might be able to fulfill his dream (and my order) by becoming a Chinese deliveryman, after all. Either that, or he'll just waltz over to DC's Office of Unemployment Services and collect $384 a week from the government, meaning little will probably change in his work ethic. Because, according to a June 15 twat, he wasn't doing much at his job anyway: "thank goodness my boss is making things easy, he told me to pretend to do work so he can mark me down for hours."

Come again? Forget about Le not doing his job. It seems it was his boss who told him not to do it in the first place. Big surprise, right? Rampant incompetence in the DC city government apparently extends beyond the little guys. We'd probably even have hard evidence of this if Le's boss had his own Twitter account. Unfortunately, he doesn't. But I doubt that's because he's smart enough to realize that sh*t will get you fired. Instead, I simply imagine he's not smart enough to use a computer.

Moreover, I'm sure Le's boss's boss is also probably watching porn in the office rather than doing his job. Or maybe he's too busy not paying his taxes. Maybe that's why Anacostia is still so damn ghetto! Just sayin'. And I'm looking at you, Marion Barry.

It takes a competent village, people!

Meanwhile, Barry, who inexplicably labeled Le a "racist" (of course), has probably put a hit out on me. Maybe I can yell borscht delivery and he won't shoot...


Debbi said...

No, no, no . . . you're not No. 4.

You're No. 3. Better right?

nate said...

I remember the good ole days when DC used to lead the nation in the per capita murder rate on a yearly basis. Damn Detroit.....

BTW, any chance you wandering around Del Ray last night looking lost/drunk/both? Cause if not, you've got a doppleganger.

Marissa said...


Now I'm even more flabbergasted! Thanks!


Not me. I don't know what Del Ray is.