Thursday, August 6, 2009

here in body, clearly not in mind...

There's nothing worse than being insulted because of your appearance, well, besides, say, terminal illness, famine, war, murder, injustice, or having to sit directly in front of a crying kid who keeps kicking your seat on a plane...that's about to crash. Also, see: poverty, stupidity, living in Washington, DC, and irregular bowel movements. And, of course, being evicted, being dumped and being caught, which brings me back to my original point -- being insulted because of your appearance blows. But being caught and insulted for your appearance doubly blows.

The Post wrote a couple days back: "Montgomery County police released surveillance photos Tuesday of a broad-shouldered shoplifting suspect who they said left Saks Fifth Avenue with a $2,000 Chanel dress and could have been a man masquerading as a woman."

BURN!


Seriously, for this possible woman's sake, I really hope she is a man. I can't imagine that does anything for the self-esteem to be an actual woman who's mistaken for a man...even in a $2,000 Chanel dress...

Alleged cross-dressing crime aside, though, there's a larger point to this blog's nonsense. What's worse than being caught and insulted for your appearance is reading in the Post about a "woman" who apparently stole a piece of overpriced cloth (sorry, I'm not much of a Chanel fan) from a store in the suburbs. I mean, is this the most important news the Metro desk could come up with? It really makes you wonder when a local blog run by someone who has a fulltime job that isn't "reporter" can come up with more legitimate news items than one of the nation's best newspapers.

And sure, you can argue, "But Marissa, what have you done?"

The answer is nothing. I simply act as the city-wide ombudsman (and village idiot), whose job it is to complain and point out flaws while doing little to nothing to fix them. Not to mention, when you've been reenacting scenes from Sideways for the past week, it's hard to keep up with what's been happening in DC, let alone care.

But, yes, I'm back from my grand West Coast escapade. Let's hope I can come up with some better material tomorrow...

However, in an effort to save what is objectively probably one of my worst posts, I will leave with a little taste of what my helper horse Sven did while I wasn't drinking Merlot in California.

Sven, The Anti DC Official Helper Horse with Vladimir Putin and his Impressive Man Boobs.

Sven says he's never washing his muzzle again. Once you go Putin you never go back.

13 comments:

Brian said...

I believe the operative terms is: moobs. Putin and his Impressive Moobs.

Dave said...

aw, thanks for the link. i think this is probably the best complement i've ever received on the internets. i appreciate it. i'm working on the next piece in the series, but alas, the whole full time work thing does make it harder. i only wonder what someone who gets paid do this could put out. oh wait, probably articles about shoplifters and hipsters.

LiLu said...

Moobalicious. I kind of want the Official Helper Horse to motorboat him.

JFo said...

Clearly Medvedev is too scared to tell Putin that he's past his shirtless photo op prime.

Marissa said...

brian--

Moobs...I think you're right...

dave--

Really, it's just a fact. The Post doesn't seem to care much about its Metro section.

lilu--

Sven says those pictures shall remain private. He was elated, however, when Putin asked him to "tickle his tits." It was a weird vacation for Sven, it seems.

jfo--

Actually, I bet Medvedev is probably jealous of those moobs.

Anonymous said...

When I saw the shirtless Putin photos (I have a google alert set for that), you were the first thing I thought of Marissa. I'm pretty sure that's a compliment.

Anonymous said...

oops, Anonymous at 8:52pm is me, Brian (which clarifies nothing)

Brian said...

Not me Brian...Anonymous must be a different Brian. There can be only one!

I should be banned from posting for that reference...

Marissa said...

Oh my! So many Brians! One of my best friends is named Brian too! But sometimes he's known as Brown because this mafia don in Georgia (the country not the state) couldn't pronounce his name. "Brown want prostitute, yes?" Oh man, those were good times...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous Brian here: Yeah, I realized after the second post that there was a Brian as the first commenter, but I felt like three posts clarifying who made the first post was a bit much. Apologies to all other Brians. I'll go as Anonymous Brian from now on to avoid such confusions.

Norman said...

Haha! Putin. Take out. Putin. Take out. Is sex, yes?

Norman said...

I have to apologise: I'm practicing my bad Russian accent in case I get deported. Also, happy belated 30th Geburtstag.

Marissa said...

anonymous brian--

Glad to clear that up!

norman--

Putin sex joke! YES! And Geburtstag? I will have to remember that.