oh media, please just stop trying...

My mother forwarded me an, um, forward today that featured a parakeet dry-humping a cat. Or maybe they were just good-naturedly playing. Whatever. The point is, I think I've failed to make some things clear here.

Mainly, I don't like cats.

In fact, I'm terrified of cats. That's why I have a helper horse named Sven and not a helper cat named Begemot. Don't ask me to explain my irrational fear, just know that if you ever send me a forward that involves a cat in any way, shape or form (save for big cats like lions and tigers and bears, oh my!) I will react by cursing you, projectile vomiting and dancing around in circles screaming, "Kittens belong in hell!"

My other irrational fear is mummies, which extends to pyramids, which, if you think about it makes sense because a pyramid is really just a giant grave and to break into one is really nothing more than grave digging. Yes, along with my increasingly shrinking brain, some things are better left alone.

And speaking of being left alone, may I please ask Time magazine to stop mocking this city so blatantly? Clearly, since it was printed in Time, it's not worth reading the whole article, but I'll tell you it's supposed to be a guide to a 24-hour visit to the Capital of the Free World. I'll summarize the parts that made me laugh the hardest:

"But of all the places I have lived, none has the accidental loveliness of D.C." LOL!

That is actually the only part that made me laugh. The rest of it just made me bored and/or depressed.

Surprise! The author, Amanda Ripley (believe it or not!) suggests you stop by such unheard-of must-sees as the U.S. Capitol, the Smithsonians (except for the Native American one, which Ripley says is unfortunately not a casino reminiscent of "something designed by a committee"), the Holocaust Museum, the Cathedral, the Vietnam Memorial, the zoo and (drum roll please) Ben's F*cking Chili Bowl.

Oh, that's depressing. You have 24 hours in DC and the best you can think of is grab a greasy bowl of chili...

What the hell? Is fast food really that much of a reason to come to DC? Look, I dined there once. I didn't hate it. But then again, I was also 1 trillion sheets to the wind, so I probably would've been happy eating mokh-mokh, a Dagestani delicacy which roughly translates into English as "sheep's anus." Perhaps I simply don't appreciate cheaply mass-produced food enough, but, Jesus Christ, if one more media outlet jizzes in their pants over this, I swear to God I'll...I'll...pet a cat! This is truly unacceptable. Not only that, but Ripley goes on to note this about the neighborhood in which Ben's F*cking Chili Bowl exists:

"At night, you have three main choices in D.C.: Georgetown, where the tourists and frat boys go to party; Adams Morgan, where the frat boys go once they've graduated; and U Street, where you won't find any of the above."

Has Ripley even been to U Street? That sh*t is chock full of frat boys and tourists. Mostly because of Ben's F*cking Chili Bowl. And Marvin, which I think is an overrated sh*t hole. But according to the author, it's "good" and "upscale."

Um...first of all, the adjectives "good" and "upscale" are clearly misused. Had Ripley actually set foot in Marvin, I'm sure she would've described it as "sub-par" and "douchey." Seriously, if there's a place on U Street that represents the neighborhood's transition to "the new Adams Morgan," it's Marvin.

And don't try to argue with me because you know I'm right. These are facts.